Twenty Days Of Moving On | ✔

20 Days Of | Unsent Mails

Day 19

Unsent mails

What the fuck are you doing here Ryder? I don't remember inviting you to my house." My temper got best out of me this morning, as soon as Alisha's best friend knocked on my door.

"I'm not here for you. I'm here for Alisha." Hearing her name from his mouth, drove me mad and I clenched my fists on sides.

Restraining myself from punching him in the face, I growled out, "Haven't you sabotaged my relationship with her enough? What do you want now?"

He sighed and shook his head.

"How oblivious you could get Alex?" He smiled sadly, making me confuse.

I scolwed, pissed off at him already. I needed time to think how and what I'm going to say to her. I've to persuade her to open up to me and here he was wasting my time.

Seeing my hostility towards him, he sighed and handed me a phone.

Alisha's phone.

"How come it's with you?" I asked him, genuinely intrigued by now.

Retracing his steps back, he spoke; "I figured none of you would talk like mature persons, so I took liberty to steal her phone and I hope it'll clear your misunderstandings. Oh and Alex? she needs you."

My hands gripped her phone tightly. Was I ready for knowing the reasons? Would she finally admit that I was never enough for her? Was she cheating on me? What made her hurt me?

Questions swirled in my mind as I heard Aaron faintly closing the door on his way out.

I swiped my fingers on the screen and a lazy smile took over my face as I looked at her wallpaper.

It was a polaroid of us. I was kissing her on cheeks while she was beaming at camera. Why she still has this photo as her wallpaper?

After searching and scrolling a few minutes, I finally found some unsent mails in her draft.

With shaky fingers and baited breath, I opened it.

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18 Days Before  :

I'm so sorry. I hurt someone who gave me a reason to breathe all these months. You won't forgive me ever, and please don't because I deserve this. I needed to do this. I can't be with you Alex. Because I...am mad... I'm a bitch. And you...you my love has a heart which is worth more than anything in the world. You should save it for someone normal, not me. I'm sorry.

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15 Days Before :

You know what hurts the most? Seeing the one I love in pain 'cause of me. I saw your eyes in school, they were sad. I'm so sorry. I needed to do this. Trust me, this is for best.

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12 Days Before :

I'm loosing it. I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much now. I want to...end my life. I'm so sorry.

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9 Days Before :

Once you asked me, why I like to read so much? Why I don't get social too much? Why my family doesn't lives with me? I had nothing to tell you. Because it's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed. My existence is embarrasing. And that day I realised. If you continued to be with me, you'll be embarrassed too. So I saved you from embarrasment and here we are. I'm so sorry.

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6 Days Before :

I miss you. I need you to hold me, right now before I decide to do something stupid. I'm sorry.

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3 Days Before :

Let me tell you a story but please don't hate me after this. My parents are typical definition of modern parents who didn't have a single moment of day for me. I used to live in states. From always I've craved for love, attention, and care. I didn't get any. I got gifts as replacements. With time, I got used to it. But I guess the day my parents decided to tell me that they're moving to France for some months for business, everything went down for me. I broke down completely. They shifted me here because apparently this is the safest place where they can give all facilities for me while they're gone. So I came here to Seattle.

You know what sucks? It sucks that my own parents doesn't knows that I'm schizophrenic. I'm suffering from schizophrenia and it's like someone else controlling me. I used to get paranoid in that mansion. I started pretending that everything is fine and I've a functional family. I started hearing voices in my head. I started feeling empty. I had disoriented thoughts. I thought change of place would help me. And it did. Because I met you.

You came and lighted my dark silent world with your talks. You almost healed my soul with your kisses and love. Oh, how I was lucky to have you...

But I can't. The fear of loosing you became dominant over my trust for you. I love you more than anything else in world and that's addictive. You're an addiction to me. And I can't let this happen.

I didn't tell you about my disorder because I'm not ready to be judged for it. I know people may have many bigger problems than mine, and many people would think that I'm a coward for pushing myself into depression for a disfunctional family.

But yes, if I'm a coward, then let be it. I've my own demons and I've fought for so long. I can't and won't let anyone tell me otherwise.

I know if you knew, you'd try to fix me. But baby, I'm not someone you can fix. Or love. Or forgive.

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Yesterday

This is the end. In my books they told me it's not end, unless it's happy. But this is it. I can't hurt you anymore. I've to leave. I've to heal.

I'm not going to die. Because battle I've fought for so long does not deserve that. But I need to have control over my mind. I've to beat this schizophrenia. And I've to be the girl you deserve.

So I'm going to a rehabilitation centre tomorrow. I hope these emails remain unsent and you move on with time. You'll hate me one day and it all will be fine.

But remember this... I love you. I love you so much. And I'm sorry for adopting cowardly way but please... don't forgive me. I wanna kiss you for last time, see you once before leaving but... I need to control myself.

Bye, my Alex.

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Tears blurred my vision with her last draft.

She was hurting so much and here I was moaning over a pathetic heartbreak...

Oh my baby.

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I wanna make playlist for this story, drop in your music suggestions ❤ 

there will be a double update, aka last chapter up soon !