Harry Styles Imagines

10 - Better without me

BETTER WITHOUT ME

                                            What a cold Saturday afternoon. The rain patters against the window in my living room. My emotionless face stares at the television, my mind not realizing what is going on there. My thoughts are far, far away. My thoughts are with Harry and how I'm supposed to survive the next nine months without Harry next to me, without Harry cheering me up whenever I'm down.

 I rest my chin on my knee and pull the blanket higher. Harry wanted to be here twenty minutes ago. We wanted to spend our last night together before he has to leave for tour. But he didn't ring the door bell nor did he text or call me.

 In the same moment as I make it myself even more comfortable on the couch and close my eyes, I finally hear the door bell ring. I immediately open my eyes and throw the blanket away to run toward the front door. I open the door zestfully and a smile appears on my face when I see my handsome boyfriend standing right in front of me.

 His hair is wet from the rain and a few rain drops are rolling down his nose. I take a step to the side to gesture him to come in. Harry runs his fingers through his wet hair to move it out of his face. His green eyes look a bit tired and dark circles are right under his gorgeous green eyes.

  "Wow, when did you sleep the last time?" I ask him and walk into the bathroom to get him a towel. He rubs the towel over his hair and face before he hands it back to me. We walk into the living room and I plop down onto the couch but Harry remains in the middle of the room.

  "I couldn't really sleep the past few days." Harry mumbles and buries his hands in the pockets of his tight black jeans.

  "Oh what is wrong?" I ask him worried. I thought he would be excited about starting his second tour, this tour even bigger than the first one.

  "I've been thinking a lot lately."

  "About what?"

  "Things." Harry murmurs and refuses to look at me. He faces the painting above my head. His long and slender fingers touching his full and pink lips.

  "Don't you want to sit down and tell me those things you've been thinking about?"

  "I'm soaking wet." Harry reminds me and raises both his eyebrows.

  "I don't care," I reply and pat the free space next to me. Harry sighs and sits down, uncomfortable shifting in his seat, "What is wrong? You seem to be uncomfortable. Did I do something wrong?"

  "You did nothing wrong." Harry says, still not looking at me. Is that this type of 'You-did-nothing-wrong-I-did-something-wrong-conversation'? Because I'm not doing this.

  "Then what is wrong, Harry? You look like a...like a walking zombie and you are going on tour tomorrow."

  "Thanks," Harry says quietly and finally looks at me, his eyes having a sad expression in it, "As I said I've been thinking a lot...about us and well I came to a decision."

  "Harry, you're scaring me." I say with a quiet voice, my bottom lip between my teeth.

  "You know, when I met you I immediately knew that you are someone special to me. I wanted to get to know you and I know how selfish it was to ask you to be my girlfriend and—"

  "But I wanted to be your girlfriend." The shocked expression on my face gets replaced by a confused one.

  "But it was selfish from me to even ask you because everyday I have to see with what kind of hate you have to deal and this is not fair. I can't make you happy if I see you everyday crying because of me."

  "I'm not crying because of you, Harry."

  "You're crying because of what I and my job put you through," Harry corrects me and himself, "I'm going to be away for nine months, we could only see us a few times, I won't be there to cheer you up or to help you through a tough time. I just won't be here."

  "We already had this conversation, Harry. Why are you bringing this up again? I told you I will survive it." I smile at him, desperate that he is just worried about me and wants the best for me.

  "I don't want you to survive, Y/N, I want you to live." Harry tells me and  I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. I struggle with words. What does he mean? I can live without him being here. I just can't live without him being in my life.

 "Harry—"

  "Y/N, listen. I want the best for you," Harry says and stands up from the couch, "but this is not me."

 My eyebrows draw together when I hear the words slipping out of his mouth. My heart aches from his words because they are digging a hole in it.

  "What are you talking about? Of course you are—"

  "No, I'm not. You are better off without me," He continues and my bottom lip trembles while I try to interrupt him. I want him to stop telling me those things, those things that I don't want to hear, "I love you, Y/N and you know that. And I know you love me but this won't work, not with so much pressure from the outside."

  "But who cares what other people are thinking? Why do you want to throw 'us' away?" I ask him, still shocked.

  "I don't want that but it is better for you. I can't see you crying anymore." Harry explains and he looks so desperate at me. He wants me to understand him but I can't. He can't just break up with me, telling me it is for my own good, when he doesn't even know what is good for me. Harry is good for me. I need him in my life.

  "How great that you don't have to see my tears anymore when you leave, isn't it?"

  "I don't mean it that way. I don't want you to cry because of me. You mean so...so much to me and seeing you cry is the worst and to know that it's because of my job...I just—"

 Suddenly I jump off the couch and stand right in front of him. I place both of my hands on his chest and push him away. Anger, sadness and pain—I feel all this at the same time and this seems like a dangerous mixture of emotions.

  "Then leave! Go on and leave and don't you dare to come back!" I scream and push him again. Harry holds his hands up in defence while he stumbles out of my living room, "Just leave, you asshole! Leave! Isn't that what you wanted to do anyway? Fuck, I hate you so much! How can you do this to me? You sick, selfish asshole!"

  "[Y/N], please don't be mad at me."

  "Mad at you? I'm not mad! I'm hurt, I'm really fucking hurt!" I answer and open the front door for him, "Have a great time on tour, Harold. But I hope you know that there is no living soul on this planet that loves you more than I do." My head is spinning and tears are running down my cheeks.

  "You know that I love you too."

  "You do? You sure about that? Why would you break up with me if you love me, huh?"

  "I don't want you getting hurt by me." Harry begs and I snort.

  "Great job, Harry, you just did," I whisper and want to close the door but I stop myself because I need to say one more thing, "Do you know what you are, Harry? You are a liar. The biggest liar on the entire planet."

  "I have never lied to you, [Y/N]."

  "You said you would never leave me and that was a lie." I tell him, tears threatening to escape my eyes.

 I close the door before I break down into sobs. Harry knocks on the door while I close my eyes and ignore the words that are escaping his mouth and coming through the door. After a while the knocking stops and I wipe the smeared mascara away from under my eyes. I lean against the door, pressing my ear against it, but I hear nothing. I open the door and hope that Harry sits there, waiting for me to open the door. I hope he will leap up and wrap his arms around my body but all I see is an empty staircase.

Harry left me and all I have from him is a heart, shattered into little pieces, broken by him.