bad idea [A&A]

t w e l v e

Austin is a international superstar. I can't believe I'm a songwriter to a international superstar. I can hear my phone just blowing up with so many notifications on Instagram and Twitter. Austin is getting more and more people loving him. It's crazy. I get up from my bed, checked my calendar. I look at the date. October 15th, 2016. Today is my dad's funeral. I'm feeling so happy, but today I'm going to break down. I quickly changed into some clothes that I really don't care that people notice me. I go downstairs and just head out the door.

I look up at the sky, dark clouds, gloomy weather, all I can think about is sadness, depression, feeling like the world is at it's end. But I don't want to feel that way, I want to feel happy, excited, but I don't. Without my dad being in this world, I don't want to feel anything. I reach Austin's house. My knuckles hit the wood on his front door. I can hear his footsteps coming towards the door. "Hey Ally, what's up?" "I need to talk to you" I come in not caring if he lets me come in or not. He shuts the door, I decided to sit on his couch again not caring. "What's up?" I look at him even when his hair is messy, he still looks cute. I look inside those brown eyes. Getting lost, forgetting what I was going to ask him. "Ally?" "Huh? Sorry, today is my father's funeral and.." He looks at me, it felt like he knows how I'm feeling. "I know" 

I put my head on his shoulder, feeling my heart breaking. Pain, hurt is what I'm going through. Tears start flowing down my cheeks. "I'm going to miss him so much" "It's going to be okay" I sat up, looked into his eyes and smiled. "I'm sorry Austin, I don't want you seeing me like this" I turn away from him, but he turns me back around to me, electricity ran through me like a wire, sparks are interrupting, my heart is pounding. "It's okay" I chuckled. I love you Austin. If only you knew. 

12:00 p.m.

I look at myself in the mirror, black. All I feel is black. Black. Black. Black. My life has been through a lot of hell lately, but this moment tops it all, this is the great terrible 10. This moment I want to erase, just disappear from existence. I exit out of the bathroom, going back to Trish, Austin, and Dez who came for me, they are the best-est best friends. I sit down next to Austin. 

I look in front of me, I see the casket. Seeing the casket breaks me down. Tears automatically roll down my eyes, Austin puts his arm around my wast, Trish holds my hand. I put my head on Austin's shoulder again, I want to leave. I want this moment to be a dream. I'm asleep, I'm not awake. This isn't real. This isn't real, but no matter how I try to deny it, I have to accept the truth even through it's hurt like hell. 

"Now we are going to hear from Lester's daughter Ally Dawson" I stand up, went to the stage. Austin stands next to me so does Trish and Dez. "Hello, my name is Ally Dawson, and my father was the best, um, he always believed in me when nobody did, he always told me to follow my dreams. My father and I always had a special close relationship that I will never forget. Dad, thank you for loving me every day, and being there for me. I will miss you so much" A tear rolled down my cheek, I wipe it off. "Thank you" I sit back down trying not to cry anymore, but sometimes you can't hold back your emotions, sometimes it's okay to break down. 

I lay my head on my bed, feeling so broken. My phone beeps every 5 seconds with messages from Austin and Trish. I really don't want to talk to anyone right now. I just want to shut the world right now. I put my phone on my nightstand, I grab my iPod 6, put my headphones on, and listened to Green Day, high volume, on repeat. World off. Music on. 

***

6:00 p.m.

"Austin, I'm sorry, but I can't take this anymore" "Take what anymore? What did I do so badly to you besides be a good boyfriend to you" "Austin, it's not YOU, IT'S ME. I DON'T KNOW ME ANYMORE. I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE RIGHT NOW!" He comes to me, holding my hands. "No. Don't end this for us, I don't want to lose you again" He puts his hand on my cheek, feeling his warmth of his hand on my skin. I don't want to end this, but I don't even know who I am anymore. Sometimes I want to hurt myself, to end my life right here, right now. "I'm sorry Austin" He starts disappearing. I start fading. Goodbye Austin. Forever. 

I wake feeling so hot, my face is wet. Did I fall asleep? I take my headphones off, paused my music, turned my iPod off and went to sleep. I just want this day to end already. My eyelids closed, darkness is all I see, and for the first time I wanted it to be. 

***

a/n- hey guys, I decided to end this chapter like this because I just thought it should. 

here is some advice, if you are struggling with death or pain or even feeling like you are a nobody. 

first of all, you are NOT a nobody, you are beautiful, you are here for a reason, you are somebody, you are somebody that cares for your family or friends, you are somebody. Everyone is so don't forget that. You will find love one day, keep moving forward, try to find a positive in everything, be happy even if it is the worst day, be happy. YOU ARE SOMEBODY THAT IS AWESOME AND HAVE A PURPOSE TO LIFE SO OWN IT! 

second, if you are struggling with pain and death like me, it's going to get better I promise, if you have family that cares about you and will always be there for you, you will be okay. Same with friends, if you have true friends that care about you and won't let you fall on the end of this earth, you will be okay. Just keep smiling, and see the bright side to everything. 

life is good. 

just remember you have a purpose to your life so own it and live to the fullest. 

xoxo fiona.