Heart of Darkness

Chapter Thirteen

1977

I didn't want Sirius to go home, but he insisted it was fine. "It doesn't bother me." He said.
"Then pull up your bloody sleeve."
He hesitated. "Um... sorry?"
"That's right. I'm not oblivious."
"Okay, but I'm fine."
"You're coming with me. End of story. Go to bed."
He hugged me. "Thank you, Aunt Angie."
I hugged him back. He's taller than me now. "You're welcome. I love you."
"You too." He kissed my cheek and left.
It was the full moon, and I couldn't sleep. I just paced around my office. There was a knock on my door.
"Come in." I said, looking up in surprise.
"Hi, Professor." Lily Evans said. "Did I wake you?"
"No, you're fine. Something wrong?"
"No ma'am. I was just wondering if I could ask you a question."
"Sure." I smiled.
"Sirius and James are best friends." She said.
"They are."
"So you've spent a lot of time with James."
"Yes ma'am."
"What's he like?"
"He's not as bad as you think--come sit down."
She sat down, and I did too. "He's arrogant."
"A little bit, but a little confidence never hurt anybody."
"He's rude."
"Only to Severus. From what I understand, you aren't too happy with him."
"He called me a mudblood."
I nodded. "I heard. James didn't mean for that to happen."
"I know."
"Is there any reason you're asking this?"
"No ma'am. I kind of... a little bit... fancy him?"
"I know." I smiled.
"You know?"
"Yes."
"Does he?"
"No. He still thinks you hate him."
"What's your advice?"
"Befriend him. Then you can see how he really is. But he really loves you, Lily."
"I thought he only loved himself and his broom."
I laughed. "He's not that shallow."
"He calls you Aunt." She said. "All of them do."
"Yeah. They're all very sweet."
"Okay. Thank you."
"Of course."

I watched for James, Sirius and Peter to come out. An hour after I saw them, Remus and Madame Pomfrey come in, I went quietly into the Hospital Wing.
Remus was curled up in a bed, crying quietly.
"Hey, Remus." I whispered.
He sat up straight. "Aunt Angie?" He asked, then cleared his throat.
"Yeah. Do you want me to leave?"
He shook his head. "You know?" He sounded panicked.
I sat down beside him and put my arm around him. Just because he's not a child anymore doesn't mean that I can't pretend like he is. He put his head on my shoulder, gasping.
"It's okay." I whispered, rubbing his arm.
"Does it still hurt?" I asked.
He nodded.
I kissed the top of his head. "I'm so sorry, Remus."
"Are you not scared?"
"I inadvertently slept with the Dark Lord. Not much scares me."
He laughed a little bit. "Thank you, Aunt Angie."
"Sure, sweetie."
When the other three arrived, Remus was attesting to feeling better, even though he looked like Hell.
That boy is so brave.

"I'm heading out." Sirius told me one day that summer. "You don't have to wait up for me."
"All right. Be careful." I said as he kissed my cheek. "Love you."
"Yes ma'am. Love you too." He said, and shut the door.
I was going to wait up. Just because Tom said nothing would happen to them doesn't mean nothing would.
Turns out he told me not to wait up because he was going to get plastered.
I sat on the couch and watched him stumble to the kitchen.
I followed. "What're you looking for?" I asked as he opened various cabinets.
"Cup." He said.
I opened a cabinet and got one down. "Water?"
He nodded.
"I'll get it. Go get in bed."
"What?"
"Yes, you heard me. Go get in bed. We'll talk tomorrow."
"I'm not tired."
"Then sit at the table."
"I'll go to bed."
I figured I'd let it slide that time. After all, isn't that what kids did? I wouldn't know, but it sounded accurate.
But then it starting becoming every night.
"I'm heading out." He said a month later. He kissed my cheek. "See you."
"Hang on a minute." I said, patting the couch beside me.
He sat down. "Yeah?"
"Are we gonna talk about any of this?"
"Any of what?"
"Oh, I don't know. Shall we talk about the cutting? The drinking?"
"Oh."
"Yeah, 'oh.'"
"You aren't going out tonight. You're staying here."
"What?"
"You heard me. I'm not going to let you do this."
"What do you care?" He said flatly. "What does anybody care?"
"What the hell, Sirius?"
"What? It's not like it's a secret that the whole family hates me. What does anybody care what I do with my life?"
"I care what you do with your life."
"Well, you should stop now. I'm throwing it away."
"Yes, I see that, and I'm not letting you."
"Why not?"
"Because I love you."
"No you don't. Nobody does."
"I do. James does. Remus. Peter."
"Well, you shouldn't."
"Too bloody late."
"I'm not worth it."
"You're right. You're worth more."
He cleared his throat and dropped his gaze. "I'm going. I'll be back. Don't wait up." He stood.
"Sit your ass down." I said sharply.
He obeyed.
"Come here." I held out my arm.
He came and curled against me like a child. "I'm sorry." He said quietly.
I kissed the top of his head. "I love you, Sirius. You aren't going to throw away your life. You can be something great. I'm proud of you."
"Thank you. I love you too."
After a while, he sat up. "I'm heading to bed." He kissed my cheek. "Goodnight, Mum."
"Goodnight, sweetie." I said.
His cheeks turned bright red as he stood up. "I'm sorry."
"It's all right."
"You don't mind?"
I shook my head.
He grinned. "Goodnight."