This Isn't Like Me

Chapter 1: Guarded

"You're coming whether you like it or not." My best friend, Emma, urges. "You know I hate parties." I say, rolling my eyes and trying to continue to read my book. She grabs it out of my hand. "C'mon Sparrow, please. I want you to hang out with Izzy more, you still haven't gotten to know him very well."

Izzy is Emma's boyfriend. I like him and all, I'm just not good at... Being around people, I guess. I've been trying to get to know him more for Emma's sake though, because I know it's important to her.

"Sparrow pleeease!" Emma whines. "Oh fine!" I consent. "But you better not try to set me up with anyone." "Fine." She replies.

She looks like she's thinking for a moment and then asks, "Don't you want to fall in love someday?" "No. I don't need love." I reply, dryly. "You're so stubborn." She replies, "But can I talk about Izzy?" She asks with a laugh. "Sure." I reply, chuckling. "Dude he's got these eyes, they just light up my whole world. And he's a really great kisser..." Blah, blah, blah. That sparkle in her eyes that appears anytime she talks about him, I just don't get it. If I ever get that look in my eyes somebody needs to shoot me.

The truth is, love isn't necessary to me. I see so many people obsessed with finding someone and I don't see the point. I don't need anyone but me. I've built a nearly indestructible wall around myself. I've found that if you let people in,they're ultimately just going to hurt you so why give them the chance. Why be in a relationship when inevitably one or both of you are going to end up heartbroken? I don't want my life to be dictated by anyone but me. I want to do what I want, when I want, and I don't want to hurt someone while doing so. Relationships have never gone well for me. People aren't good for each other, in my experience. Shutting people out is the only way I know how to keep people from hurting me. Emma has been one of the only exceptions of that for me. She's always been there for me. Since my parents died, she was the only one who stuck around. The only one that didn't write me off as an unsavable basket case.

All these things run through my mind as she talks about Izzy. I guess people would say I'm a pessimist when it comes to love but I see nothing wrong with that. "You'll go though won't you?" Emma asks excitedly. "Yeah, I guess." I say. "Oh thank you Sparrow!" She exclaims, hugging me. She stands up off my old, worn out, forest green sofa, grabbing one of the frayed pillows. "Listen, I gotta run, I'm meeting Izzy. Be ready at 7:00 tomorrow, ok? I love you, bye!" She says in her usual excited, mile a minute way. She tosses me the pillow and runs out the door before I can say anything.

I chuckle as I grab my book from where she set it down. We couldn't be more different. I guess what they say is true, opposites attract.

The cold morning air blows into my window, gently hitting my face. I open my eyes and smile. I like mornings. Well, I like sunrises and cold, refreshing air and birds chirping. But I don't like getting out of bed. I lay there listening to the bird's conversations, wondering what they're saying.

I'm sitting on my bed reading as the sun is beginning to lower. My phone rings and I grab it. "Hello?"
"Hey it's me, are you getting ready?"
I look at the clock, it's 6:00.
"Yeah, yeah of course I am." I lie.
"Good. I'll be there at 7:00"
"I know. How long is this par-"
She hung up and I'm talking to myself. I shake my head and laugh a little, rolling my eyes. I force myself out of bed and take a shower.

When I'm out, I rummage around in my closet, trying to find something that's "party worthy". Just one of the reasons I hate social events. I finally end up in a Patti Smith t shirt and blue jeans with my beat up chucks.

I look in the mirror at myself. My dirty blonde hair brushes my shoulders. I'm relatively tall for my weight and have bigger hips and a bigger ass than most people with legs as long as mine. My skin is just slightly darker than the average person of European decent. I have green eyes and prominent lips. I don't particularly like looking at myself.