This Isn't Like Me

Chapter 9: He's Really Gone

      I push the door open slightly and walk across the threshold. The air feels somehow different from outside, thick with memories. I inhale deeply, the smell of incense and old books, just like always. My eyes fill with tears. I can practically hear his voice, "Good morning Sparrow! It's going to be a beautiful day."

     I glance at the corner, where I lost it. I can feel the darkness trying to make its way to my heart. I won't let it shut me down again, there's a man waiting for me outside and I can't hurt him again. I slowly venture to the back of the store, opening the door to the back rooms and Mr. Invicta's office.

     The air seems to get heavier, the horrible memories have me in a chokehold and I'm desperately trying to breath. I walk down the hall and stop at his office door, my hand on the handle. I take a deep breath, trying to keep from choking on my tears. I open the door and step inside. I switch the lamp on and walk up to his desk. Sitting down in his big leather chair, I remember first and only time I sat in it...

      "No dear, you sit down there." He says, pointing at his chair. "But... that's your chair." I point out questioningly. "Well yes, but perhaps someday it'll be yours. I'm not going to live forever and I can't think of anyone I'd rather run this shop." I sit down as he said and run my hands along the dark brown leather. "I'm sure there's someone else that could run this place better than me, a kid with too much emotional baggage." I reply, chuckling. "I very much doubt that, dear." He says, chuckling, and yet there's a sincerity in his voice.

      My heart aches like it's going to physically break. I can see him everywhere, I can still smell him. I start to freak out, my breath's becoming short and panicked. He can't be gone. This isn't real, it's just a horrible dream. I can't live without him! My heart races and I'm shaking. I have to stop this, I have to calm down. I slide out of the chair, sobbing. "I miss you! I can't do this alone! Come back, I still need you!" I cry, out loud. I squeeze my eyes shut. The tears don't stop, rushing down my cheeks like water from a dam.

     I finally open my eyes, my vision still blurred by tears. I notice something, just under the desk. A piece of paper with writing on it. My breath hitches as I pick it up, automatically recognizing his elegant handwriting, but I notice that it's a little messier as I look at it. I begin to read.

     "My dearest Sparrow Renee,
      If you're reading this it means I'm probably already gone. I have a rare form of lung cancer, there's nothing the doctors can do. I'm alright though, I've lived a full life. I can't bare to tell you, you're happy right now, happier than I've ever seen you. I could never bring myself to destroy that.
     I want you to know that I'm proud of you, of the person you've become. When we met you were scared of everything and everyone, afraid to accept any kindness. Now you're a strong woman with an amazing head on her shoulders. You've conquered your past, overcome every obstacle and I can't express how proud I am of you.
      I need you to know that you can make it without me. You don't need me, I do believe I'm the one who needs you. Saul will be there for you, I see something special in that one. You and Saul could conquer this whole world if you wanted to. He's good for you, darling. You two will go on amazing adventures together, I know it.
      I've left this little place to you in my will. There's no one else on earth that loves it as much as the two of us. Maybe someday your's and Saul's children will run it. That would make me very happy.
      Just know my dear, I'm always with you in spirit. Never stop fighting for what you feel is right, I know you won't. Experience the small moments in life. Most of all, be happy Sparrow, truly happy. I love you.
       Till we meet ag...."

      My heart aches as I realize that he was writing this as he died. His last moments were spent writing this to me. I hold the letter to my heart, sobbing. I can't be in this room anymore. It hurts, he feels so close. Maybe he is. "I love you too." I whisper before getting up and leaving the room.

     I fold the letter carefully and slip it into my back pocket. I take another look around, it's all mine now. I just want to make him proud. A small smile makes their way through the tears as I walk out of the shop. I guess I already have, and that's all I've ever wanted.

Saul's head shoots up as open the car door and sit down. "You ok, babe?" He asks, wiping a tear away from my face with his thumb. I look at him, a resolved feeling taking over me. "Yeah... I think I am." He smiles brightly and kisses my forehead. I smile back, "But can we go home now?" I ask. "Of course." He replies, putting the car into reverse.

      "Tell me how it went." Saul says when we're home. "It sucked. It felt like he was there, it was like being suffocated by nostalgia." I sigh, laying down onto the couch. He sits down beside me and I lay my head in his lap. He strokes my hair, "I'm sorry." He replies. "I found something though." I say, pulling the letter out of my pocket carefully. His eyes widen a bit. "He wrote me a letter... he didn't get to finish it." I reply, tears pricking the corners of my eyes. "Holy shit!" Saul exclaims.

      When I'm finished reading it to him I look up and his eyes are slightly watery, too. "I just remembered, if it weren't for Charles we wouldn't be together. I owe him... everything." He says quietly. I sit up and smile, "So do I."