This Isn't Like Me

Chapter 12: An Ounce Of Pain

    My legs falter and I grab the edge of the counter to support myself. Nothing could be worse than this. It all makes sense now. The sleeping all the time, the secretiveness, the irritability.

     I sit down on the tile floor and cry. The tears flow down my cheeks as I sit there with my legs straight and my hands against my face. How am I supposed to deal with this? How is he going to react when he finds out that I know?

      Fifteen hopeless minutes pass, sitting on the bathroom floor that feels more like an unforgiving ocean, swallowing me in anxious thoughts. I stand up and wipe my tear stained face. The red marks left, a metaphor for what I discovered here, there's no hiding it.

   I get dressed in a daze, thinking of nothing but what's going on with him right now. Why wouldn't he just tell me?

    Once I'm at the shop I try to go about my day normally. But it's a little hard to ignore something this huge. The store is empty, I just need someone to help me sort this out. Around 3, I call Emma.

     I walk behind the register and pick up the phone, dialing her number.

"Hello?"
"Hey, it's me."
"Oh hey, what's up?"
"I... uh I found out some info out about why Saul has been acting the was he has..."
She pauses for a moment.
"Uhm... I'll be right there. You're at the shop right?"
"Yeah."
"Ok, I'll be there soon." She replies before hanging up.

      She sounded a little nervous, why? She's probably just anxious to find out what it is. She's a waitress at Cuvée, a restaurant on Robertson Blvd. It's less 10 minutes away, taking how she drives into consideration, she'll be here in five.

     Sure enough, I hear the bell five minutes later as she walks in. Her face looks concerned as she walks behind the counter and sits down on a box full of books. "Hey." She says. "Hi." I sigh. "Spill it." "So I decided this morning to go through his stuff... I talked to him last night and he comforted me but he avoided my questions. I just needed to know." I explain. "Ok, go on." She replies. "I looked through his cabinet in the bathroom..." I pause, the reality of what I'm about to say choking me.  "Out with it!" She prods. "I found a needle and spoons... it's heroin, Em!" I sob, covering my face with my palms. I look up and she doesn't look surprised, at all.

     She gets up and begins to put her arm around me. I lean back a little to look at her, "Why don't you seem surprised?" I ask. "I am." She says, chewing on the inside of her cheek, that's how I know she's lying. She's not looking me in the eye. "Then why are you chewing on your cheek?" I ask. "Oh cmon!" She rolls her eyes, standing up and crossing her arms defensively. I stand up too. "Did you know?!" I exclaim, getting angry. "No!" She snaps back. "Don't lie to me Emma!" I reply loudly. "... Ok fine... I sorta did." She replies quietly, looking at the ground.

     I take a step back, hurt. How could she not tell me? "I'm sorry chickadee, I just-" "No, no. You don't get to explain yourself! You knew this whole time? You watched me fight this battle and you didn't even tell me?! You knew I was driving myself crazy not knowing!" "Sparrow I'm-" She begins. "Just get the fuck out. It's bad enough my boyfriend is lying to me, now my fucking best friend too?!" I snap, throwing my hand in the air for emphasis. "Spar-" She tries to plead one more time. "Don't." I say with finality. She turns and walks back out into the store, an upset look on her face.

      It feels like I've been stabbed in the heart. I can't believe she didn't tell me, even when she knew the turmoil I was going through. I feel so betrayed, by both the people I'm closest to.

     I hear the door close and know she's gone. Angry and betrayed tears cling to my eyelashes as they try to escape their inevitable fate, shattered on my black t-shirt. I feel debilitated, like crawling in a hole and staying there, like building that protective wall up again. I could really use its reassurance right now.