This Isn't Like Me

Chapter 7: Mending Broken Hearts

    I wake up in his arms. I'd forgotten just how comforting being with him is. I scoot closer to him and sling my leg over his waist. I still can't believe I hurt him so badly, I think the guilt might eat at me for the rest of my life.

     I'm realizing now how much I missed him, how much I missed sleeping in his bed, how much I missed his face when he first wakes up and the sleep is still in his eyes.

      I don't know how we ended up in bed. I don't think anything was on our minds yesterday, other than the fact that we're together again.

      His eyes open as I'm laying there looking at him. I smile at him, almost shyly. I can't help but feel a little awkward. After all, I did break his heart. I can't just act like it didn't happen.

       He smiles back, a big bright smile. My favorite kind that makes me mirror it. But I can sense something behind it, in his eyes. I can see in his eyes that he doesn't know if he should trust me again. He doesn't want to be hurt again. God, I know how that feels.

      "Hi" He says. "Good morning" I reply. "How'd you sleep?" This feels off. "Good. I missed sleeping with you." He says, looking down at the sheets. I smile and nod, "I missed sleeping with you too." 

      "Want coffee?" He asks, reminding me of the first morning I woke up in his bed. "Sure." I reply, throwing my legs over the side of the bed. He gets up and stretches, walking around his side of the bed to the door. I follow.

       I don't know what to do with myself, all I want to do is wrap my arms around him and never let go. But I can't. That's how he's been feeling for the past two weeks but I shut him off. I told him I hated him. And I can't just make that disappear.

      I sit on the counter like I always used to while Saul makes the coffee. "I've gotta catch you up on what's been happening while you were...gone." He says as he grabs two mugs out of the cupboard. He sets them down and pours the dark liquid into them. He pours some sugar into mine, no cream. I smile to myself. He always remembers the little things about me.

     He walks over to me and hands me the coffee mug. He lifts himself onto the counter beside me and sighs. "Saul... we can talk about this." I say, looking over at him. "I'm fine." He mumbles with a halfhearted smile. "So. I gotta tell you about what's been going on since... uh yeah." He changes the subject. "Let's go to the couch." He says, hopping off of the counter. I get down too and we walk to the sofa. Once we're sitting down I look at him expectantly. "Um... Charles's funeral was last week." I feel a pain in my chest, like someone stabbed me in the heart. I don't know what I expected, of course they had to bury him. The whole world doesn't stop when you have a mental breakdown. I sigh, but nod for him to continue. "Did you go?" I ask. "Yeah I did. It was a nice ceremony. Several people mentioned you during their speeches, how you were the person who kept him going, the person he loved most. His kids didn't seem too happy about that but I don't think there was any denying it."

      Tears start to fall silently down my cheeks. I miss him. Saul wraps his arm around me and pulls me to his side. I rest my head on his shoulder and let the droplets fall onto his soft, cotton shirt. It feels nice to just let him comfort me.

       "I talked to his goddaughter a little, her name was Erin. No one else seemed to be interested in being near me. I don't really look like the other people that were there. I think most of them were wondering who the fuck I was and how I knew Charles." He says, which makes me chuckle. "They gave me this to give to you." He says, standing up and walking over to the bookcase adjacent the couch.

      He picks up a tiny box and hands to me as he sits back down. My hands shake as I undo the ribbon around it. I look at Saul apprehensively. He smiles at me and nods encouragingly. I lift the top, revealing a key. I automatically know what it's to. The shop. And it's not just any key... it's his. The top is covered in dark wood, his initials engraved on it in cursive. I hold it tight against myself, a gasp escaping my throat. "I have to go back don't I?" I whisper. "Yeah sweetheart, I think you do."

       We sit in silence for a few moments. "How are you?" I ask, curious as to how he's feeling. The weird vibes still linger in the air. "I'm fine." He says, not looking me in the eye. "Saul..." I start. "I said I'm fine." He cuts me off, a halfhearted smile brushes his lips before he stands up and walks off for his room.

     I frown, I don't know how to get through to him. I need him to tell me how he's feeling because something is definitely off. And I know it's my fault. All of this is my fault.

       He's always been there for me and let me talk through everything. I'll be damned if I just drop this. I know I hurt him badly but I need him to talk to me, to tell me exactly how he's feeling.
     I peek my head into the room. Saul sits on the bed, his back to me and Lucile, his snake, sliding through his fingers. I walk up to the other side of the bed silently and sit down. The movement of the mattress alerts him and he looks over his shoulder at me. "Oh hi." He says, standing up and putting Lucile back in her terrarium. "Saul, please talk to me." I say, repositioning myself so i'm sitting cross-legged and looking at him. He turns around and walks back to the bed. He sighs before sitting down across from me. I take his hand in my own. "Please."

      "I just... I don't know Sparrow. It's kinda hard to shake what's happened. You completely shut me out and all those things you said, they're not just gonna disappear." He says, not looking me in the eye.  "I know, baby, I'm so sorry. I know there's nothing I can do to change it." I say. "You said you hated me, Sparrow. You said I'm a piece of shit. You said I'm just like all the others." His voice cracks. "You have no idea how much that hurt. All I wanted since the very first day I met you was to make you happy. All I've ever wanted was to be all you needed. And yet you shut me out. And worse, you hated me." A tear slips down my cheek.

       Actually hearing how much I hurt him burns with regret and guilt like a wildfire through my veins. But it's good, I need to hear it. I'm the one who did it and there's nothing to hide behind. I did this to him and I'll regret it for the rest of my life. But the least I can do is listen to his account of it and be an adult about it, not whine like a little bitch and make excuses.

     "I'm afraid you'll do this every time things get hard, Sparrow. I don't wanna be strung along my whole life. I don't wanna be your rag doll. I don't ever want to go through the pain of what I've been going through these past weeks ever again. I won't do it again, Sparrow. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my whole life but I won't keep doing this. I won't go through that pain again. I'll let go." His voice shakes as he finishes, a deep sigh leaving his lips. Tears are streaking down my face now, but I stay strong, not breaking down. No sobbing, no noise at all even, just silent rivulets of regret slipping down raw skin.

      I take his face in my hands and force him to look at me. His eyes are watery and there's a pain on his face, like it hurt him to say all that. Emotion thick in my voice as I speak up, "I love you. I love you so much. I will never do that to you again and I'll have to deal with the guilt of what I've done for the rest of my life. I will never put you through that ever again. And if I do, God baby! Please leave me. I love you too much to want you to go through all that for me. Please if I ever do that to you again, leave and never come back."

     He looks at me for a moment. Mixed emotions written on his face. Suddenly his lips are against mine with a passionate pressure. I kiss him back. His hand finds its way to the side of my neck. It feels as though time has slowed, I know now, that we're going to make it.

•••

       I wake up, a bit disoriented, just now realizing that I fell asleep. Looks like Saul did too, he lays next to me, covered by his curls. I'm overwhelmed by the love I have for him. I smile a little and crawl on top of him, sitting on his stomach lightly. I lean down and kiss him gently. He doesn't move. "Saul..." I drawl in a singsong voice. I kiss him again, this time with a little more pressure. A grin spreads across his lips, his eyes still closed. "Wake up!" I whine. He refuses to open his eyes. "Ugh." I exhale.

      A small scream leaves me as Saul flips me over in a split second. He runs a hand through his jungle of curls and smiles brightly. "I'm awake." He grins. A bright smile is on my face as I pull his lips down to mine. Our eyes fall closed as our lips meet, mine parting to allow his tongue in. I sigh softly as his hands slide down my figure and up again. "God, I've missed you so much." He says as he pulls away.

       Now that we've talked things through, things feel back to normal for the most part. Like everything is right in the world again. But they aren't. Because he's gone, Mr. Invicta is gone. Although, I know I'd be stupid to think there won't be lasting issues stemming from the past two weeks. But we'll be okay, if we can get through this, we can get through anything, together.