This Isn't Like Me

Chapter 3: Facing Fears

      "Tell me EVERYTHING!" Emma demands. It's like the twilight zone for me, being in a relationship. So many years I kept myself barricaded from everyone. I hadn't let anyone in since Mr Invicta, whom I let in when I was 16. It's slow moving but I'm timidly letting Saul see more and more of myself and trying to be less hostile towards the prospect of love in general. He's patient with me though, thank God. These past two weeks have been a whirlwind. We've kept it a secret until now because I needed time to process all of it before being bombarded by other people

     "Ok well I guess I'll start at the beginning since we haven't really talked about it yet." I start. "Yeah, what the fuck by the way?" She says. "I know, I know but you know how I am. But anyway, so at that party you forced me to go to I went and hid in one of the rooms because there were too many people. So then he came in and told me I could stay and started asking me questions and then he like smiled and it was hard to keep my, y'know, wall up so I like ran away and went home. And then the next day he took my book and made me follow him and we talked for like two hours in this little diner..."

    I tell her all the details and how I was feeling about all of it. She listens intently the whole time, astonished at how much I seem to like him.

    "Oh my God Sparrow, this is like the twilight zone!" She exclaims when I'm done. "I know that's what I thought." I laugh. "Dude you're with one of my boyfriends best friends! Double dates!" She exclaims. Fuck no. I think, the thought of double dates has always annoyed me, I'm not sure why. But I let her be excited. "I can't believe you're actually dating someone, I never thought I'd see the day!" She says. "Yeah me neither." I chuckle. "But he's really great." I add, thinking of his kind voice and caring nature, that shy smile covered by his curls.

     How did you get to this point? I wonder, thinking about how negative I used to be about love and relationships. I'm still not all gung-ho for it but I'm trying to loosen up about it.

      After I leave Emma's place, I head over to Saul's apartment. When I get there I walk to his door and knock. He opens it, smiling. He hooks his finger through my belt loops and pulls me inside, kicking the door shut and pulling me against him. "Hey you." He says. I stand on my tippy toes and kiss him softly. "Hi." I say as I pull away. We walk over to the couch and sit down. "You should come to our gig tomorrow night." He says, tucking an unruly piece of hair that's in my eyes behind my ear. "I'd love to." I say, "What time?" "10 at the Whiskey." He replies. "I'll be there."

      I get up and walk to the kitchen for a drink. I grab a bottle of water from the fridge. Saul walks in behind me, startling me as I turn around. "Shit, you scared me!" I laugh. He chuckles and backs me into the wall adjacent to the fridge. I look at him questioningly. He wraps his arms around me and kisses me hard. I close my eyes and kiss him back. He picks me up off my feet quickly, causing me to gasp. I wrap my legs around his waist as our lips collide hungrily, again and again. He presses me into the curve of his body. The passion between our lips is heavy, spreading through our bodies. It terrifies me. His fingers grip my hips, sending fire through my nerves. Horror grips me suddenly, a strong anxiety forces me to stop. I pull back, "Saul..." I whisper. He just kisses me again, passionately, fear spreading throughout my body. "Saul, please." I whimper. He stops quickly. "Baby what's wrong?" He asks, gentleness flooding into his voice as he sets me down. I start to cry. Why am I crying? I wonder. Because he'll hurt you... Like he did. "Oh God, angel, angel, please don't cry." He exclaims, worry hitting his attractive features. I don't answer. The agony inside my head, I can't explain. He scoops me into his arms like a child and carries me to the couch, setting me down gently.

     I manage to force myself to stop crying and look at him. "Sparrow please tell me what's wrong? What'd I do? I'm so sorry." He exclaims, anguish on his face. You have to tell him. I've never spoken to anyone about this, not even Emma. My mind has all but completely blocked it from my memory, leaving just enough recollection of it to fill my mind with fear of the opposite sex. "Please tell me." He begs