Message In A Bottle ↬Markson

Prologue

Dear whoever is reading this crap,

My name is Jackson. I'm currently fifteen years old and I live in Hong Kong. Although my life may seem glorious to outsiders, it's not that at all. My parents and I fight every day. They tell me that I am acting strange and that I'm being defensive towards them, that I'm not the son they know.

I know my behavior and I know what I'm doing, I'm not some dumb child. I'm not doing it on purpose though, it's just my defense mechanism kicking in whenever they talk to me. I don't want them to know what's really going on with me and how I'm really feeling. I'm not the type to talk about my feelings and so I decide to write it down on this stupid piece of paper and I hope that someone will read this crap and can give me some advice, because I know that what I'm doing right now to my parents is not okay. I shouldn't be treating them this way. I shouldn't be like this to them. I honestly don't deserve them, who wants to try to cope with a child like me who disagrees with everything.

Why do they even bother to still try?

I know this might sound depressing to you and well, it kind of is going to be if this doesn't change. I am being an absolute dick towards my parents, yelling at them every night and telling them there is nothing wrong.

The worst thing is every time I do this I can see the tears in my mother's eyes, to avoid seeing that plus the chance myself breaking down right then and there aswell, I ran upstairs.

I don't want to be weak, I don't want my parents to see me cry, because it will also mean that my defense mechanism has stopped working and broke down.

When I get upstairs, I'll try to go to sleep but I actually spend hours thinking about this one thing. You might want to know what this thing is, otherwise you can't give me any advice. Well, here we go. This will be the first time that I'll be writing this down and confronting myself with this. And honestly I'm really scared to do this and to write this down will be a step forwards but I think I'm ready to face it.

I think I'm gay.

Yeah, that's what all this fuss is about. That's bullshit isn't it?

The fights with my parents has become a routine, we fight, I go upstairs and the next day when I come down we all act like nothing happened.

I make such a big drama just because I doubt my sexuality and yes that's absolute bullshit I know.

I came across this guy that I like in a different way than I like my friends. But it hit me that I am not supposed to be that way. Right? I am not supposed to be gay, I am not supposed to be like this. I should be living a normal teenage life, doing nice things with my friends and discovering new places, maybe not obeying the rules.

But instead I'm here, struggling with something that I'm not supposed to be struggling with. I've been neglecting my friends because of it and honestly they'll probably leave me sooner or later. They won't accept me when I turn out to be gay. Hell I think even my parents won't accept me when I tell them. And what if I don't turn out to be gay? Then I struggled for nothing and I'll be left alone. No friends and my parents will hate me for acting this way.

I want to figure it out as quick as I can but I can't. As much as I think about it and try to figure it out, it won't happen. The only thing I get from the thinking is a headache and bad grades.

I can't concentrate in class anymore because that boy will be on my mind, or he will be in my class. He looks so beautiful, he dyed his hair a dark brown recently and damn he looks so good. I love his laugh. When he laughs, I always end up laughing too, even if I don't know what he's talking about. His eyes light up when he talks to his friends about something he loves. His body is well built and just a bit taller than me. It all just won't help. I came up with trying to talk to him, but I can't get myself to do so. Normally I'm really social and I can talk to someone I don't know easily but with him it's a completely different story. I can't look at him without blushing or smiling. After class I will tell my brain to just walk up to him but instead I turn around and go the other way.

But I shouldn't be like this right?

When I lay in my bed at night I can't do anything but to curse at myself for not going up to him. And after that the regret of yelling at my parents overwhelms me. It keeps me awake for hours. I'll be up until 3 am thinking about how to explain it to them, or in the worst case making up excuses as to why I am acting this way, without telling the truth of course. Or I will be thinking if I'm actually gay or if this is just some phase.

All these thoughts and not sleeping enough at night make that I can't do my homework and that results in getting bad grades.

My dad even told me that if I keep getting bad grades that I'm not allowed to go to fencing practice. My world broke down when he said that. Fencing is the only thing in my life at the moment that will keep my mind off everything. The only moments in the week that I won't think of it. The misery starts when I come back home again and all my thoughts hit me as before I left for practice.

I tried distracting myself from thinking about it. But it won't help, the thoughts will take over my mind again. I can go from being happy to being sad faster than ever before.

I seriously don't know what to do and I am so afraid of fucking everything up. I need help, I really do. If you are still reading this bullcrap, please give me some advice. I will attach my address at the bottom of this letter. I would give all my love to you if you can send me some advice that can help me through this. And maybe after I've figured it out you can be my only friend.

Love,

Jackson Wang

Jackson looks up from his letter as the re-read it for the last time. He rolled it up, making sure it would fit into the wine bottle. He closes off the bottle with a lid and duck taping it so it wouldn't open up.

He stands up from the sand he made himself comfortable in earlier and walks to the sea. The cold sea water touches his feet and he squirms, wanting to head back again but he doesn't. He walks further in to the sea until the water reaches his knees.

With all the power he still has in his body after being emotionally drained, he throws the bottle into the sea. He watches it fall in the sea a few meters ahead. It comes back up again and slowly drifts further away from him.

When Jackson can't see the bottle anymore he decides it's time to head back. He dries himself off and puts his shoes back on. When he heads home, all the can think about is how happy he will be when someone replies. But for now, that's not the case.

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A/N: So yeah, my first GOT7 story. I hope you enjoyed and I'll be updating as often as I can.

Thanks to -yugyums and MissChoiJae for encouraging me to put up this story. I love you guys ❤