Angel Left In Hell

Chapter Three

I woke up in the morning, not have a single dream all night. What could this mean? Have I finally gotten past this foolish hope that someone out there thinks exactly like me, that someone could actually be here to love me? It must have all just been a big part of my imagination, none of them will ever change, they will never be able to feel about things the way I do. They will never know of color and of love. They will never experience this type of pain.

 A big part of me was actually hoping that he turned out to be real. That he would one day come after me. But I’ll never have that happen; I guess I just fell in love with the idea of it. I had to know somewhere inside of me that my prince charming would never come and save me. All of that is just parts of fairytales, and well fairies ate very real the stories are not.



 No one who reads those would think I’m an angel; I brought the world’s greatest shame to my parents, at least my world’s greatest shame. Anywhere else it would have been greeted with happiness and celebration. I can’t do anything to change that now. They will never even slightly care about me; they probably wish me to be dead right now as I’m speaking to you. But with my luck I created a hideout long before I needed one, that’s why no one has caught me yet. Hopefully no one ever will, although I wouldn’t mind being killed at the moment.

 This pain is almost too much to bear. Almost as if I was literally being ripped in two, although I’m sure that it was just me thinking theoretically. But I don’t think I could ever describe it, not that I would have anyone to describe it to. Or that even if I did anyone here would be capable of understand what I’m saying. Not even the least bit.

 It makes me frustrated to be the only one like this, why was it me. Why couldn’t it be someone else who would have to deal with all this, I mean sure maybe it suppose to make me “stronger” but no one will ever notice. I don’t understand why I was put down here. I’m starting to think I’m going crazy, I’m talking to you like your real, but you aren’t are you?  Life can be so complicated here; I just wish people would see past the end of their nose. But then again by saying that I’m not seeing past my nose, they might not want to break tradition. I know I didn’t.

They’ve lived this way for god only knows how many years. Change is defiantly not on their minds. But if only they could see, the color, or hear the music, maybe even feel the love. I would give most anything for that. But I’m not am I? I’m just hiding out in the woods afraid to die, afraid that I’ll never get to explain. If I don’t know one will ever get the opportunity to live like I have, I mean besides the hiding out part.

They would have so much fun, although it’s not showing in me. I use to love everything I did, but I never let anyone know, not until I was ready. But was I really ready? Do I really want this life I’ve gotten myself stuck in, there’s no turning back, but I can still wish can’t I?

Sometimes I think that god doesn’t really care for me, I know that I need to have faith, I mean come on I’m one of his angels, but why would he do this to me? Why does he let bad things happen if he loves everyone so much, I just can’t make sense of it? I know he’s out there somewhere listening to me, most likely shaking his head in disappointment, because I do believe that doubting him and questioning him is a sin.

But I just really need to know, I can’t live anymore without the answers, there has to be a way to find out. Maybe if I looked deep within myself I could find the answer, but I have to stay on my guard at all time. So I can’t exactly do that. But there has to be another way, I have to be able to get in contact with him somehow, there has to be a way for him to get to respond, without using my inner-self.

I’ll figure this out all in due time, somehow somewhere I will know the answer to all my questions. Nothing can stop me as long I believe that he will help me. Just like he always has and always will. I mean he does it for others so why couldn’t he do it for me? Well I guess the fact that I’m immortal might play a role, but that shouldn’t really matter to him, we’re all equal to him. He loves and cares for us all the same.

I don’t even know the man but I do know this about him, he’s fair, he’s the only thing fair in this life. He does what’s right no matter what anyone else thinks about it. Even if it has to cause them pain, he has to do it because he cares. Because it’s what’s right, and that’s what it’s all about. I guess that would be my answer, I’m here for a reason; I just have to search for it. I think it might have something to do with me being different, considering that’s a crime here.

 Maybe I’m supposed to change how they think about things, or bring their humanity back. Show them that god never left them; show them that he still cares. But how am I supposed to do this well hiding out? There has to be a way around it. Maybe I just have to think simply, not complicated like I have been. I mean I figured out why he put me here without much thought, so maybe that’s how I should approach everything from now on.

Without so much thought, not everything has a complicated meaning. Some things are just plain and simple. Or at least the problem is. The solution wouldn’t come to me over night and I knew that for a fact. I would be spending months trying to figure this one out. How can I, just one little angel, beat everything that’s around me to give them what they think they hate? There has to be a reason for it. There always is. I mean there has to be a way to, god trust me so I should trust myself.

I think I might just have an idea about how to start this transformation without getting myself killed. I would leave messages around stuck to tree on the opposite side of the forest, that way they can’t track me down. That way I’ll still be here to help them in the end. They need me as much as I need them right now.

 It might seem crazy because I’m might just be thinking these things, making them up. But it’s the only truth I know and I’m going with it. I will make them believe one day they will see. I hope one day that they will see what their life here could really offer if they let it.

If they believe. They could see all the wonderful colors of the flowers; they could feel the power of love. They would understand things better. They would live a better nicer life. They need this more then I need to live. It’s all up to me. There has to be a way to show then what life is truly all about. Hopefully one without getting killed that would definitely be a bonus. But this isn’t about me; it’s about them and their needs. If only there was someone else out there to help me get it through to them. Maybe, just maybe I could do this. But there isn’t I’m on my own. I don’t know if I can do it.