If I can't be with you, an R5 story

Deep breaths

Olivia's POV

The nurses managed to calm me down after the Lynch's left, giving me a couple of breathing techniques to use for when I leave the hospital.  Then of course I had to put those techniques to use after I began to panic at the thought of leaving the hospital.

I'd be in my house alone or worse, I could find myself alone with Rocky. I really like Rocky, that sounds horrible to say but I know that if I find myself alone with him, he's going to bring up the... concert thing. That's going to overwhelm me and send into another panic attack and look horrible. I just...don't know where my heart stands on that whole thing, thinking about it makes my heart race and then slowly go into another attack. 

Every attack was followed not long after by an intense wave of guilt. Guilt because I was having these intense attacks because of the Lynch's, because of my friends..my family.. people I..loved. But love is a fickle thing, there are so many kinds of love, as if it's an ancient tree, stretching up to the sky. It has many many branches, each one unique and amazing. With it's twists and gnarls and rough patches of bark, but also with it's flowers and luscious leaves. Both make the branches beautiful and amazing in their own light, making each branch different than the last but all still classified as the same thing. 

It's like the differences in your love for each individual person. Your love for you Mom is different from your love for your dad, your brother from your sister, your male best friend from your female best friend, etc, etc. 

The wind pushes against the high branches of the oak tree in the parking lot below, it sways as it's leaves tremble, as if they're feeling it's icy chill. I sit by the window, my arms wrapped firmly around myself, squeezing, as if to imitate human comfort. I scoff at myself, how I managed to get myself in this spot, hospitalized for panic caused by the knowledge that someone loves me, how ridiculous it sounds...

"Ridiculous.." I mutter to the faint refection of myself in the window's glass, my face clouded with anxiety and confusion. Why does everything have to be so difficult..... I sighed.

Waking up the next morning I felt a little bit more settled than I did yesterday, less like someone touching me would cause me to fracture and the wind would shatter me into a million pieces, spreading across the ground. Yes, I am dramatic, I know, this isn't news to me. I got dressed in the clothes that Rydel left me yesterday, a plain grey cold shoulder top and denim shorts, along with some sneakers. Gathering my things into the bag, I took a breath and walked out of my room, checking in with the nurses station to discharge myself before leaving the hospital as soon as possible. I like the safe feeling, but I also feel like they'd just as soon lock me up and throw away the key for being off my rocker.

The warm air brushed my face, a welcoming hello, the scent of grass and sunshine drifting on the breeze. I've always hated being locked inside, lay me in the sun warmed grass if you want me to relax, float me in a pool, don't lock me away from the sun and nature.

Opening my eyes I see a white van pull up to the curb, a familiar long haired blonde popped the door open. "Come on, we're springin' ya." Rydel smiled, I tossed my bag in the back before clambering into the front seat. "Hey stranger." She smiled as we pulled away from the hospital, the van was quiet, a glance in the rearview mirror confirmed the quick look I had gotten a moment earlier. The car was empty, I breathed a sigh of relief as I relaxed a bit, thankful Rydel honored my wishes and picked me up solo.

"Thank you." I smiled at her, she glanced away from the road for a second to look at me, worry obvious but she attempted to hide it, for my sake. "It's what you wanted. No one wants to trigger you, but then again, no one knows I'm picking you up.. You KNOW that.... Certain persons would want to come and then everyone would come. That's too much for most people." I laughed, she was right. "You can say Rocky's name, I'm not going to start shaking and foaming at the mouth or anything. It's not a dirty word either." I breathed. "It's HIM. With all his...Rocky-ness. That stupid smile and smell and...FEELINGS. That's the overwhelming part." Rydel nodded, flipping on her blicker and glaring at a guy trying to pass over our solid white line.

"If only we could rewind to before the Q&A." She muttered, a small sigh following.

I glanced out the window, the trees whizzed by and couples held hands and walked the sunny sidewalks.

"If only."