remember that you're mine {joshler}

xi. i was like "no please, stay here"

a/n: this could be triggering so pls stay safe! also none of you can hate me more than i hate myself for this fyi :))))) have fun

-x-

"I-I did?" Tyler asked slowly. Josh shifted awkwardly beneath him, lifting Tyler out of his lap and placing him next to where he was sat against the wall. Tyler tried not to whimper at the lack of warmth.

Josh took a careful breath. "You didn't say much, but you were talking about how you used to go to church, that you'd tried to ask God things but it never worked, you said you think that wasn't really why you went to church, you just wanted to see her." Tyler's whole body stiffened. "And then a bit later you called me her name." Josh's eyes flickered to his hands as he pushed himself a little further into the corner of the room at the memory. "You loved her." Josh said brokenly after a pause. The words hung thick and heavy in the air in front of the pair, it wasn't a question and they both knew it.

Neither one said anything for a long time, Tyler sat pressed against the cold wall, resting his forehead against it to sooth the heat of his brow, his eyes closed, head pounding. After what felt like too long in his own head Tyler couldn't take it anymore, he needed to get out of this bathroom. With great effort, every muscle screaming in protest, he pushed himself up the wall to stand over Josh. He waited, catching his breath, but Josh didn't move.

"I won't compete with a ghost." Josh mumbled, chin to chest whole body limp, still slumped into the corner. Tyler can't speak, a lump is lodge in his throat. "I'm not her Tyler," Josh looked up then eyes shiny with tears he refused to let spill. "I never will be."

Silence hung across the room, and after what felt like an eternity Tyler offered out a hand, pulling Josh to his feet. He wrapped his arms around Josh, he pushed every emotion down deep, compartmentalizing it forcing his brain to switch off and just let it happen. Josh held him loosely as though he wasn't sure he wanted to be held, he'd meant what he said to Tyler and he didn't know if Tyler was capable of fully accepting it.

Tyler isn't sure how it happens, he knows he took Josh face in his hands and kissed him slowly and he knows he let Josh lead him back to the same bed they first slept together on. He knows that Josh had every intention of going to sleep and pretending like nothing happened. He knows that it was he who initiated it, the kissing again before clothes are being shed and their lips are hot and heavy and Josh is the one crying this time but he doesn't want it to stop, his nails biting at Tyler's skin as Tyler rides him. It's quick and quiet neither one wants to speak so the room fills with the sound of skin on skin and low moans and soft gasps and the occasional sniffle and whispered "you're so good, so good."

As he comes, Josh lets out a broken whimper and Tyler pulls him closer, lips reattaching to swallow his whispered "I love you" because those words can't be out there, in the room, he must snatch them up before they can tear straight through his chest like a bullet to the heart. But Josh has said them and he's still crying as Tyler pulls off him and neither one has any energy so they fall asleep on their respective sides of the bed, still filthy and broken.

Only Tyler can't sleep, he can't.

He stares up at the ceiling in the static darkness, Josh's shallow breathing his only soundtrack as he begins to pick apart all his thoughts and emotions. Taking them out the box he's locked them away in, placing the puzzle pieces neatly out in front of him before he starts to work them into one whole train of thought, one decision, one course of action.

He's still numb, this process requires a certain numbness to be completed and he's gotten very good at that over the years. He knows what he has to do, complete his plan and then get Brendon out and safe, get him and Sarah out of here, far far away so that his father won't have time to find him while he's dealing with what Tyler has done.

His father will be proud of him he realises, for completing this plan, he's doing exactly what his father might never have been able to. But does he even want that? Why would he ever want to do something his father would be proud of? He's let his revenge, his anger consume himself for so long and now, in Josh's arms it's finally started to wear away, he's remembered who he is, who he was before it was ripped from him. Before she was ripped from him.

Tyler furrows his brow, he's let his desire for revenge eat away at his soul until it's turned dark and now he knows he's exactly like his father, Brendon was right. Jenna would never forgive him, she'd never accept who he'd let himself become, this isn't what she'd want from him. He berates himself for not coming to this conclusion before, before he put himself in an impossible position, before he fell in love with someone else. But thinking about her, just hearing her name was like being stabbed, a permanent dagger to his chest, a tear in his heart that every time he breathed, threatened to open and gush with blood, until his entire rib cage was drowning and yet, he kept living on.

As a slow tear trickled down his face he hated himself, he had got himself into this mess, he owed it to Brendon's child to see this through now. He had no choice, maybe Josh would understand, he supposed it didn't matter, he was still full of anger, he could never be with Josh, not knowing what he'd done, not when every time he looked at him he saw her limp, bruised body, the scene replayed itself in his head and Tyler almost screamed, he'd tried so hard to push it down.

His father telling him, heavy hand on his shoulder that it was too late. The rain drenching through his clothes, of course it had been raining, the heavens were crying with joy, they'd just received an angel Tyler told himself. He looked past his father's shoulder to see his brother broken and carrying her, Tyler ran to her snatching her away into his arms. He cradled her, he'd hoped to hold her in his arms like this as he moved into his new house, their house, and she'd laugh, like sunlight, and cling to him as he spun too fast and he'd laugh as she demanded he put her down. Just married, so in love, and they'd make love and she'd have glowed as she carried his children. But he's looking down at her limp form now, no laugh, no glow, just a deathly blue paleness to her once ivory skin, her expression looked like she was sleeping, Tyler broke down then, collapsing to his knees, clutching her into his chest desperately, cheek resting on her forehead as he rocked back and forth. He screamed so loud it had made his sister break out in sobs of her own hiding herself in Zack's chest. Their father remained stony faced, before turning and walking away.

He'd screamed and cried and tried to bargain with the sky, screaming at the thick grey clouds, at God, at whoever would listen to give her back. Then he'd snapped, rocking back and forth in the rain, voice broken and racked with heavy sobs as he stroked her blonde hair out of her face and pressed his lips to her cold skin and sang to her.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine..." He sobbed out, and Mark had run to him, holding his shoulders, trying to get through to him, begging him to breathe and let her go by Tyler didn't hear, his voice breaking off into another sobbed out cry as he sang the last line "so please don't take my sunshine a-away..."

Not long after that, when he was shivering and no longer able to form words, so consumed by grief he'd shut down Mark and Brendon and his siblings had pried her from his grasp with soft hands, covering her up and carrying her to a car, Mark was the one who drove her body home to her father, who told him his only daughter was gone. Tyler was guided the opposite directions, hands pulling him back inside, but he remained fixated, watching her be driven away. Right before the car was about to move out of sight down the drive, Tyler had shrugged off his siblings, running after the car, chasing it all the way to the end of the drive before Brendon had tackled him to the ground, gravel biting at his cheek and palms, he was just able to lift his head to see her disappear forever, eyes blurring from tears or rain it didn't matter which.

Tyler pushed aside the tears, easing himself out of the bed and back into his clothes. He carefully pulled open the draw next to where Josh slept, his hands were shaking as he pulled something out of it. He moved as gently as possible to straddle Josh, the light seeping under the door allowing him enough visibility. Josh looked so peaceful as Tyler leant forward to place a feather light kiss to Josh's forehead, desperately trying not to let out his sobs.

"I love you too, but I can never forgive you, I'm so sorry." He whispered before sitting up. Tyler moved the object in his hand so that it was pointed at Josh, he clicked the safety off the gun as fresh tears pricked at his eyes. He was shaking so much, he couldn't do this, he couldn't he wasn't this person he-

"Tyler?" Josh's horrified voice made him freeze, their eyes met for a brief second, both wide with fear, before the sound of a gun going off cut through the room.