Ask Tom Riddle

A Rather Long Fan Letter

DanaSump asked/wrote: Dear Dark Lord, Heir of Slytherin, the Last Living Descendant of Slytherin, Voldemort,
I, a Half-Blood Slytherin (also a Metamorphmagus), desire deeply of becoming a Death Eater. I, however, have not met you (or been in the Chamber of Secrets, which I would LOVE to go there!). I would like to become, at the very least, acquaintances. I do relate to you, believe it or not. I also thought there was no one in this foolish world who was like me. Also, what's the use of living if you do not live up to your full potential? You and I seem to be the only ones who believe in the reformation of the true wizarding world. We must have faith in ourselves and others.
This is not a practical joke in any way, shape, or form, I swear on dead wizard god, or I am not a Pureblood Slytherin.
You are a wonderful poet, and your work is incredibly relatable. Have you seen Potter Puppet Pals, a Very Potter Musical, a Very Potter Sequel, and a Very Potter Senior Year? They are on YouTube. Do you have other music suggestions? May I Have a box of Exploding Mars Bonbons as well? And also answer this letter with as many puns as possible! Woah, this letter's rather long! Sorry about that! Anyways, I await your letter in return, leaving all of the windows open. By the way, Owldemort is a brilliant owl love *VERY LOUD COUGH* LEIGE, MY LEIGE.
Faithfully Yours, Dana Sump (#JoinTheDeathEaters2016)
~•~•~•~•~
*Owldemort blushes at the thought of being called a 'brilliant owl' and delivers this letter proudly, along with a box of the Exploding Mars Bonbons you asked for*

Deer Miss Dana Sump,

Of course you can be a Death Eater. I am not one to crush the dreams of aspiring young dark wizards. I suppose now will be a good time to promote my campaign. #JoinTheDeathEaters2017, a worldwide non-profit movement for those interested in changing and developing the world through the use of the Dark Arts.

Now, on the subject of meeting me... I suppose we could plan to get together in the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade? I don't particularly care as long as it's not that ridiculous pink tea shoppe.
However, I don't reckon it'll be a good idea to take you to the Chamber of Secrets. It's a bit dangerous. In fact, you'll probably be frightened to death, and we wouldn't want that now, do we?
I admit, I'm interested in meeting you.

Thank you for complimenting my work as a writer and a poet. I am deeply honoured. I put my entire soul into this book.

Unfortunately, I have not seen any of these so-called "Potter" videos. I've been hearing that name a lot in my letters actually, and all you lot say that he's the boy who'll defeat me in the future.
Bloody hell, you guys, have you no faith in me?
I'll bet you a hundred galleons, all my Horcruxes, and even my nose, that that isn't going to happen.
You lot are bloody ridiculous.

I cannot look up these videos because one of the many downsides of Hogwarts, along with using quills instead of pencils and no telephones, is that there is no Internet here. At all. (I noticed that there's another letter that asks whether Hogwarts has WiFi. Here's the sad, miserable truth.)

As for music suggestions, I have been getting into old, sad Italian opera music. Do not judge me. It takes me on an emotional musical journey.

I trust you received the Exploding Mars Bonbons along with this letter. Do enjoy, but be careful you don't eat too much or you'll blow up (literally, I'm afraid).

Also, I tried, but I did not use many puns in this letter. So I hope this can make up for the lack of punny material:

Since ear lee,
Tom Marvolo Riddle

P.S. Here's an accurate visual representation of how I feel about Mudbloods.