I'll always love you

5

--laurens--

I stared at myself in the mirror, the yellow dress wrapped around my curves. I was born a girl and there was nothing I could do about it, I'm Joan. This is who I am. Tears rolled down my cheek as I repeated the word 'girl' in my head.

If being Joan meant that Charles Lee would stay away from me then give me the bloody make-up.

The events of last night kept repeatedly playing in my mind, the way his hands moved up my shaking body, the way I screamed and no one came.

No one bothered.

--Lafayette--

Hercules and I walked ,hand in hand, to John's house. As usual, Hercules pounded on the door, he was so cute when he did that. Instead of being greeted by John we came face to face with his father, he loomed over us and I instantly reached for Herc's hand. He noticed ,of course, but instead of throwing a homophobic punch like last time he gulped and looked at the floor. Something was up, something was different, his eyes were red and puffy like he had been crying, Henry Laurens never cried. "We're here for John, s-sir." Hercules said, clearly scared by the man. A wash of guilt and....pity? spread across his face, he gulped loudly and started fidgeting with his hands, John was in trouble. "erm, he ,sorry, she is not in right now." he said in a raspy voice.

"what have you done with him?" Herc questioned but before I could here an answer, I sprinted away in search for John.

I searched in the park where we usually hung out with John and when my eyes found him I gasped and felt my legs turn to jelly.

Herc ran after me and when he followed my gaze he shared my reaction.

John was sat at a bench, in a dress and had big pink glossy lips. His father must have really screwed up to make John turn to Joan.

Cautiously, I walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. As soon as I did, he flinched dramatically and let out a terrified scream. He started panicking and flapping about "holy shit!" Hercules shouted as he ran over and helped me calm down John.

"shhhh, John it's Lafayette." I said repeatedly until he finally registered it. His head scanned the area thousands of times before he settled down, taking deep and exhausted breaths. I couldn't think of anything to say so we all sat, the only noise being John's deep breaths. Finally, I got the courage to ask about everything. "John-"
He cut me off abruptly "Laf, my name's Joan." I gulped and looked at Herc for reassurance.
"Why, why are you wearing, what happened?" I stuttered out and he bit his bottom lip.
"Laf, I was born a girl. I was born Joan. Joan is who I am and no matter how much I want to change it I can't. People will still think I'm a girl, I'll still be called 'she', I'll still look better in skirts and dresses, I'll still be cat called, I'll still be raped, nothing will change-" after realising what he said he gasped and covered his mouth with a trembling hand. "John, what did you just say?" Herc asked and I glanced at John who was rapidly tearing up. "Nothing.." He replied, Herc grabbed John's (still trembling) hand and held it tight. "You said that nothing would change, that you would still be....raped. John what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

There was a long pause

A dreadfully long pause before I could hear John sniffling.

"I got home last night....my father....Charles Lee....kissing....touching....it all happened so fast....but so slow....it hurt....nightmare....you see....I'm a girl." John said between agonising sobs. I pulled him into a hug but he still flinched at my touch, at least now I know why. We sat there for a while, him crying into my chest until Hercules sort of growled and shouted "I'm going to kill your fucking father John!" John stopped him though and just went back to crying.
"John?" I whipped my head round to see Alexander staring at John in disbelief. Within a second John got up and bolted away.

--Laurens--

"John?" I turned to see who was saying my name to find Alex staring at me in shock. I quickly glanced down at my rather large chest and the yellow dress flowing to my knees.
Shit
Without a second thought I got up and sprinted away.
Shit
Shit
Shit
Why do all the shit things happen to me?
I ran and ran and ran to nowhere, somewhere.
Slumped against a tree I cried and cried.
Why
Just why
I miss the days of laughter, of fun where there was nothing to be worried about.
Where mum would take me to a shop and not care that I ran into the boys section.
When I could dream and not be interrupted by the harshness of fucking reality.
I miss the days when my father loved me
The days when I could make him proud with any action
The days when I was loved
I miss being loved.

I pulled up my sleeve and stared at the art on it. Red streaks lined the canvas that was my wrist. They were accompanied by splashes of sickly green and blue with a tint of brown.

Beauty

I thought for ages, maybe I could go back. It always feels so good to add a new streak on the canvas, another lie to try and hide. Who would it hurt.

No one loves me

No one would care

That's when I made the decision

Fuck this world

I was never proud of my past self, I spent two years spending my days accompanied with drugs and alcohol but it was better then having to face reality.

Why not let myself go?

<><><>

"Ah, John!"
"George." I nodded at him and handed the money over.
"John, not again, why?" George bloody Eacker questioned.
"Just give me the fucking stuff." I snapped and with that he handed me a small shoe box.

My phone buzzed in my pocket

Hammysandwhich calling

I declined it obviously

I checked my recent notifications

29 missed calls from Hammysandwhich

18 missed calls from LaffyTaffy

17 missed calls from Pantsarehot

42 unread messages from Hammysandwhich

Then all of a sudden I felt myself questioning what I was actually doing

But obviously my fucked up mind decided for me

Screw friends

Where's the father's alcohol?