I'll always love you

9

-----Laurens-----

I felt so bad, so bad for Alex. I couldn't stand to see Alexander hurt, in pain.

I just hugged him tight, never wanting to let go. He was so small in this world, so vulnerable and he needed help; help to get through.

"Hey Alex, lets go home and watch some movies or something." He sniffled a bit before nodding weakly. I helped him stand up and we walked home.

We must've looked a mess, two men stumbling home with big red eyes and messy hair. However, passersby could not know what we were going through. They didn't know our emotional circumstances, they didn't know what demons inhabited us.

The second Alex walked through he flopped onto the couch and sank into a pillow. I got as many blankets as I could find and threw them over me and Alex. "Right then, movie?"

"The little mermaid." Alex smiled a little bit as he said that and that, of course, made me smile like a creepy freak.

"Great choice."

Half-way through the movie I looked at Alex who was sleeping sweetly, head rested on my shoulders. I let him sleep, he needed rest.

That was the most perfect moment, we were together.

<><>time skip brought by my laziness<><>

Ever since Alex's cousin committed suicide he's become really distant, not even say hi to me.

I would see him around but the second his eyes locked with mine he would turn and run away. It broke me, it pained me.

I thought he loved me, stupid.

It was history with professor Washington, great.

Although in that class I sit next to Alex, I thought I should talk to him. he was already there, everything he needed placed orderly in front of him. I slumped down in the chair next to him and I could feel him tense up. Neither of us said anything for a while and no one else was in the room, we were fifteen minutes early. I needed to say something to him but I couldn't think of anything, absolutely nothing was in my mind.

"Alex?" He looked at me with tired eyes, as if he hadn't slept in days.

"Yeah."

"What's wrong?" He sighed and shrugged his shoulders.

"Nothing, why would you think that?" I scoffed a little, he thought I hadn't noticed!

"Well, you look really bad and you've been avoiding me and all of your friends." Alex rolled his eyes and looked at the floor. I moved a bit closer and placed a hand on his shoulder, he shrugged it away.

"Alex tell me what's wrong." Within a second he looked up and shouted

"JUST GET OUT OF MY FACE, JOAN!" My heart dropped and my stomach flipped over and over. Joan, he called me Joan. I held in a sob and looked at my desk.

"Oh-ok-erm, sorry." I stuttered out quietly and stood up. "I-I n-need to use the bath-bathroom." I stuttered quickly and ran out of the room as fast as possible. I struggled to run, my legs felt like they were going to give up and fall. I couldn't even register what had just happened. Alex practically screamed at me and then called me Joan.

Obviously he didn't accept me, no one would ever accept me.

I ran to the bathroom and stood over the sink.

Before I knew it, I was sobbing horrifically. I looked up into the mirror and sobbed more.

What am I? I thought with tears. I was ugly. I had too many freckles, I had dimples which were horrible, I was fat and small in height, I was way too curvy to be considered a boy.

I was a girl.

I was not meant to be accepted.

The one person I ever loved truthfully hated me.

Nothing was right in my life, everything was so shit. I was messed up, so fucked up and there was nothing I could do. My family hated me, my friends hated me and Alexander Hamilton hated me, that was the worst thing.

I growled in anger and slammed my fist against the mirror. It smashed and all the glass shattered everywhere. Bits and pieces cut into my hands and it immediately started bleeding.

"GAHHHHH!" I screamed in anger before I fell to the floor, sobbing.

I just sobbed, I didn't care. This world had fucked around with me too many times and I just couldn't care less as to what it did with me next.

I just wanted it all to stop, wanted everything to finally be alright. I wanted to be a boy, I wanted to have a loving family, that was it; I just wanted love.

But who could ever love a freak with demons?

I weakly stood up and fumbled around in my bag for a bit until I found a pen. In the biggest letters I could possibly create, I wrote:

FUCK ALL OF YOU

I'M SO SORRY I WAS BORN - JOHN LAURENS XX

And then I reached deep in my bag and pulled out my antidepressants. Without a second thought, I popped one pill in my mouth.

Followed by another and another and another.

I wanted this, I needed this.

Why on earth would I want to live in a world where society hated me, if people could then they would spit all over me and drown me in insults.

My mind was going blurry as I took one more pill in.

I smiled as everything was slowly going black.

Perhaps, I'm just too fucking complicated for anyone to love me.

A/N I know I said this would be long but I'm sorry! Also yes I did get that end quote from google.

I will just say now that from now on updates will be slow because I'm too caught up with my depression and anxiety, it's messing my life so I will be much slower. I hope you understand!