I'll always love you

6

*major major trigger warning for this one guys, graphic descriptions of self harm! i'll put a little (****) when it starts and ends so if you'd like to skip it you can, stay safe*

--Hamilton--

"John?" I questioned as I stared at the person on the bench wearing a yellow dress. The person looked awfully similar to John, too similar to John. It helped my assumption when I saw Lafayette and Hercules sat at the bench again.

But why would John be wearing a dress?

Before I could say anything the person ,I was now sure was John, got up and ran hastily away.

I stood still for a few minutes, unable to register what was happening. Eventually, I made my way over to the pair who were sat with their heads hung low.

"wh-" I was cut off by Lafayette placing a finger to my lips and saying, "Alexander don't, just leave him be." I tried to protest, wanting to know why John was wearing a dress but they refused to tell me anything.

They walked off and I just sat in utter confusion.

The Schuyler sisters were also offering nothing, they all knew the reason he was wearing that yellow dress but they refused to tell me.

Why?

--Laurens--

****description of self harm starts here****

(four days later)

My hands shaked terribly as I put the razor to my skin for the first time in two years.
My father hadn't spoken a word to me since he appointed Charles Lee to steal my innocence.

The drugs were good
The alcohol was good
And I knew that this would feel the best

I took off my shorts and stared at the old faded scars dressing my thighs

I want this

Slash

I looked at the newly made cut. It wasn't deep. The blood was slowly coming out, making small bubbles as it bled.

I felt relief. I missed that feeling

Slash

Slash

Slash

Sigh.

I wrapped my thigh with a bandage and stepped into my room.

****end****

I gasped

Sat on my bed was Alexander Hamilton in his hands was my binder.

Fuck, I thought. He looked up at me and smiled slightly.
"This yours?" He said and I gulped. I didn't realise until it was too late but my legs were turning into jelly and eventually I just fell to the ground.
I tried my hardest to hold it in bit I couldn't, the tears raced down my face and I struggled to breathe
I looked like a mess
I gasped for air as more tears fled out. Then all of a sudden I felt a soft hand placed on my shoulder and Alex pulled me into a tight hug.
He whispered little things into my ear such as "im here john." And "let it all out darling." The fact he called me darling didn't register as in the moment I couldn't make out anything he was saying.
"You....hate....me" I sobbed out and he just simply shook his head.
"No, I'm just disappointed that you didn't tell me." He said gently and I whimpered
He was disappointed with me
"I....didn't tell you because....i thought that you....would think im a...freak."
"I don't care about how you were born I don't care what gender is on your birth certificate. All I care about is now, you're John and I know that."
I wiped my eyes and looked at him.
He was so handsome in that moment.

We sat for a long time just staring at each other in complete silence.

His hair was perfectly pulled back into a ponytail. The bags under his eyes were more vibrant than usual. He looked gorgeous.

Without thinking I closed the gap between us and connected our lips. It felt electric like sparks flying through my body.
To my horrible surprise Alex pulled back hastily and I felt another tear fall down my cheek. "I-I'm s-sorry." I whispered but he shook his head.
"No John it's not that. Your thigh is wet, I can see red coming through."
I looked down to see the blood from my cuts slowly seeping through my jeans. "John show me." I shook my head and started standing up before Alex pulled me to him. "John I want to help you, show me please."

Reluctantly I pulled down my jeans and unwrapped the bandage which was now completely drenched with blood.

How did I not notice, stupid me.

The cuts were huge, I didn't realise when I first made them. They were wide open and blood was oozing out rapidly.
Alex's eyes widened as he gasped, "John." He sighed and pulled me into another hug. "I'm not going to ask why, I am just gonna deal with it." I nodded as he led me to the bathroom and I jumped ,painfully, up onto a counter. Alex found a first aid kit and started to clean the wounds finishing them of with clean bandages.
"Thank you." I whispered as yet another tear found it's way down my cheek. Alexander wiped that tear away and looked at me longingly. "You know John, everything will be alright. You'll eventually get the surgery you need and we'll graduate and move in together and get married and-" he covered his mouth with his hand as he realised just what he had said.
"What?" I asked as his face turned beetroot red.
"What, I didn't say anything." He said quickly and I chuckled a bit.
I pushed back a strand of hair that had fallen out of his ponytail and he went even more red than before.
"Fuck it." He sighed before wrapping his hands around my waist and kissing me. It was better than before. There was more love, more sparks. My hands found themselves wrapped around his neck.

He pulled back and smiled goofily at me. I did the same back.

"You know what, John Laurens, I think I love you."