Moments

Valentinsdag (Valentine's Day)

Summary: Even ruins everything. It's just what he does.

***

It hasn't been an easy week. In fact, it's been one of the worst since Even barged into Isak's life with all of his secrets and his problems. It's a wonder the guy still wants to have anything to do with him.

First, it was his birthday.

Isak had been so...so fucking amazing to him, from the moment the clock rolled over to 00:00. He'd pulled him close and shown him the stars.

And Even had gone and fucked it all up by letting his mind run amok.

He hadn't been able to sleep. He'd fallen, but couldn't stay under, not with those dreams. Isak laughing at him. Isak screaming at him. Isak leaving him. Isak running away. Even letting him go.

Even had somehow ended up on the floor with Isak curled around him whispering all the right words. Still, they felt wrong. They felt...fake. But he'd let Isak pull him back to the bed. And Even had reached for him. Clung to him because being with Isak, surrounding him and being surrounded by him, was sometimes the only thing he could feel. The only thing bursting with colour when everything else seemed so steeped in gray.

In the wee hours of the morning, Even had left. Gone home. He hadn't gone to school Monday or Tuesday, and when Isak called, Even had hit 'ignore.'

Not that he didn't want or need his boyfriend, he did. Too fucking much. But he was tired of dragging Isak down. Tired of that look in his eyes. Tired of the wariness. Even had known that Isak had made plans for his birthday, probably something beautiful and amazing like him, and he had bailed.

Even does this.
He does this.

He draws people close only to push them away when they see the truth of him. Not intentionally, it's never intentional. It's his brain, his stupid, predictably unpredictable brain. Thoughts he cannot contain, or even understand half the time, cloud his vision. Colour his judgment. He's so tired of it.

It's only a matter of time before Isak gets tired of it too, so why bother? Even could take the first step. Walk away. He could if he weren't so weak. If Isak hadn't begged him not to.

Is it love or pity he sees in Isak's eyes?

Love or pity or both, and which came first?

Ugh.

It doesn't even matter.

Today is supposed to be special. Even knows he's meant to be with the person he loves on this day, of all days.

Even though the whole holiday is a joke, Even has always liked it. All the cheesy greeting cards and candy hearts. He and Sonja hadn't ever gone all out, hadn't celebrated Valentine's Day since that first year or two when they'd exchanged cards and gone out to dinner.

With Isak, Even wanted to do more. He wanted to show him just how over-the-top, crazy in love he is with him. Instead, Isak is probably sitting somewhere worried sick. Instead, Even is hiding in his room. Ashamed.

Fuck.
Fuck this.
Fuck everything.
Fuck life.

Why is it that everything he touches turns to shit?

Oh, Even, you know why.

He hears the door open. It could be his mom, but he knows it isn't. There's a shift in the air when Isak is near. And it may sound like metaphysical bullshit, but Even will fight anyone who tells him otherwise.

ISAK: [closes the door behind him as he enters and walks over to Even's bed] Three days. That's all you get.

EVEN: [his back to Isak. He can't bear to look at him] If you came here to tell me we're done, I already know.