Fifty Shades Greener (Laurmani)

13

Lauren on her knees at my feet, holding eye contact with me with her steady green gaze, is the most chilling and sobering sight I have ever seen - more so than Lucy and her gun. The vague alcoholic fuzziness I'm suffering from evaporates in an instant and is replaced by a prickling scalp and a creeping sense of doom as the blood drains from my face.

I inhale sharply with shock. No. No, this is wrong, so wrong and so disturbing.

"Lauren, please, don't do this. I don't want this."

She continues to regard me passively, not moving, saying nothing.

Oh fuck.

My poor Fifty. My heart squeezes and twists. What the hell have I done to her? Tears prick my eyes.

"Why are you doing this? Talk to me," I whisper.

She blinks once.

"What would you like me to say Master?" She says softly, blandly, and for a moment I'm relieved that she's talking, but not like this - no.

No!

Tears begin to ooze down my cheeks, and suddenly it is too much to see her in the same prostrate position as the pathetic creature that was Lucy. The image of a powerful woman who's really still a little girl, who was horrifically abused and neglected, who feels unworthy of love from her perfect family and her much-less-than perfect girlfriend... my lost girl... it's heartbreaking.

Compassion, loss, and despair all swell in my heart, and I feel a choking sense of desperation. I am going to have to fight to bring her back, to bring back my Fifty.

The thought of me dominating anyone is appalling. The thought of dominating Lauren is nauseating. It would make me like Naomi the woman who did this to her.

I shudder at that thought, fighting the lump in my throat. No way can I do that. No way do I want that.

As my thoughts clear, I can see only one way. Not taking my eyes off her, I sink to my knees in front of her.

The wooden floor is hard against my shins, and I dash my tears away roughly with the back of my hand.

Like this, we are equals. We're on a level. This is the only way I'm going to retrieve her. Her eyes widen fractionally as I stare at her, but beyond that her expression and stance don't change.

"Lauren, you don't have to do this," I plead. "I'm not going to run. I've told you and told you and told you, I won't run. All that's happened... it's overwhelming. I just need some time to think... some time to myself. Why do you always assume the worst?" My heart clenches again because I know; it's because she's so doubting, so full of self-loathing.

Naomi's words come back to haunt me. "Does she know how negative you are about yourself? About all your issues?"

Oh, Lauren. Fear grips my heart once more and I start babbling, "I was going to suggest going back to my apartment this evening. You never give me any time... time to just think things through," I sob, and a ghost of a frown crosses her face. "Just time to think. We barely know each other, and all this baggage that comes with you... I need... I need time to think it through. And now that Lucy is... well, whatever she is... she's off the streets and not a threat... I thought... I thought..." My voice trails off and I stare at her. She regards me intently and I think she's listening

"Seeing you with Lucy..." I close my eyes as the painful memory of his interaction with his ex-sub gnaws at me anew. "It was such a shock. It was scary Lauren. I had a glimpse into how your life has been... and..." I gaze down at my knotted fingers, tears still running down my cheeks. "This is about me not being good enough for you. It was an insight into your life, and I am so scared you'll get bored with me, and then you'll go... and I'll end up like Lucy... a shadow. Because I love you, Lauren, and if you leave me, it will be like a world without light. I'll be in darkness. I don't want to run. I'm just so frightened you'll leave me..."