For the Love of a Patriot || 𝗖𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗮𝗶𝗻 𝗔𝗺𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗰𝗮 ✔️ [#wattys 2018]

21 | Good Grief

~Murder Song~
~Aurora~

Please play this.
Like on repeat.
Thanks.
•••

Getting a call at three thirty in the morning was never something someone looked forward to. It was never unexpected, but it was never anything expected.

There's always a moment of incomprehension. You don't understand and you have them tell you multiple times, over and over again. And then you're in shock. You don't feel anything and it concerns you, and you try your hardest to feel something. Anything.

I spent three hours sitting in the dark, staring at nothing, thinking about her. Her laugh, her smell, everything ever good about her. It was gone. And I didn't feel anything.

I wanted to get up, but I didn't have the energy. I didn't have the energy to think, I felt like I didn't have the energy to survive. My heart hurt but I couldn't figure out why.

At 6:30 AM, my alarm went off, but I had no desire to turn it off. I didn't have any desire to move. I felt paralyzed.

I wasn't sure how long it was going off until I heard a knock on the door. I didn't answer.

The door opened and nothing happened for a moment, but then I felt his hand on my arm. I couldn't look at him.

"Rachel..." the sound of my name made me blink slowly, but that was all I could do.

He looked down at the phone in my hands, the way I was clutching it.

It was buzzing uncontrollably.

He looked back up at me. In my peripheral I could feel him becoming sad, he creased his eyebrows and frowned. He lifted his hand and brought it to the side of my face--it was warm, his hand.

"I am so sorry." He mumbled, looking at me.

I looked at him with dead eyes.

"Rachel, I..." he started softly, but I moved my head away from his hand.

I couldn't.

"I can't." I mumbled, half brokenly. I let go of my phone and moved off the bed. I left him alone in my room and headed for the bathroom. I wanted to take a long, long shower to wash away my sugar coated numbness. I should've been feeling pain.

My mother just died, I should've been feeling something.

•••