There Is No Such A Thing Called "Fate" ...

For The Tainted Sorrow

A world with no abilities ... was supposed to be good for him ...
For him who couldn't control his ability ...
For him who had to rely on someone to live ...
For him who was already tainted ...
He even thought to thank the Mad Russian for 'purifying' this world from abilities as his ...
Yeah ... his ability ... Corruption ... what is that feeling in his chest now that he no longer has it ?
It was supposed to feel good ... it was supposed to feel better ... But ... No .. it didn't ... why is that ? Because it just made him remember what a terrible , horrible , cruel monster he was ... it just made him see the amount of corpses he had under his feet once again ... it just made him realise that whatever he does he will always remain tainted ... it just made him remember that one person he lost that day ...

It filled his nights ... they became full of nightmares ... but ... was that really new for him ? What was new for him is that he doesn't find that person who tells him "it's okay Chuuya ...it was just a nightmare" anymore ...

He became a simple salary man , he had a new house that he could never call 'home' , a new name that he'll never get used to and new friends that he doesn't even really know ... he just wanted to forget everything and start over . Did he ask for too much ??
Of course he did ! How dare he ask for forgetfulness when his soul will always remain tainted  ?!

Sometimes , he met with Hirotsu san , Tachihara , Kajii ... they would praise him and tell him "you have such a succefull life now Chuuya san . We didn't expect less from you !" Those were just lies . They were all lying ... because he knew ... he knew that everything got worse ... he knew that he could never be normal ... what does being normal even mean?
He knew that his sorrow would never leave him ... he knew that his past will forever haunt him ... he knew that what he once lost would never come back .

Now he is walking , walking and walking without thinking of where his feet are leading him ... He stops , he looks around ... so many humans ... all of them have a life ... dreams ... a reason to live ... what about him ? What does he have ? What is he even doing in this world ?
So many questions with no answers ... this is also a lie ... because he knows the answer too well ...
Now he is standing still and thinking ...
What is he seeing ?
Nothing
What is he smelling ?
Nothing
What is he hearing ?
Nothing
What is he ?
Nothing
Deeper in his heart was this answer to all his questions "Nothing".
Suddenly and vaguely , the image of that special someone crosses his mind ... he takes one or two steps further ... till he is in front of that lake ... that lake where he found that special someone's corpse ... Dazai Osamu's corpse ...

He looks ...

He remembers ...

He regrets ...

A sudden realisation hits him ...

Death isn't a big deal when he is already dead inside .