my personal essays

entry one

i'm not happy. i'm stating the obvious you see. still i continue to make it worse than it has to be. constantly, i look in the mirror displeased. i want to be a man, yet i can not act like one. perfection was always my strife. isn't that the point of this whole life; to be more like Him? these things inside mute me, then i realize my blood is clear. just the beginning of an ending you see. false mirrors, fake friends, then there's a sky full of possibilities. i have control, but have a tendency to let it all go. i want to be lost. i don't want to be found. remain a mystery, wouldn't that be more fun? my free will i fear may no longer be free. the Light seems so far from here! lies, lies, lies. there! on your tv! the words of your neighbor! the dance of the trees! we have all drifted. some days i feel more astray than others. i am distanced from the musical trumpets, but i can still feel the vibrations of His voice. then closer than ever is the cries of the never found, and the evil laughter of the false sacrifices are loud. i'm calling, i'm screaming, Father. do you not hear me? i pause and begin to understand. everything we sang in Sunday school begins to make sense. no more of this doubt, no more of this worry. that is His promise. the sacrifice to take away my sin. if i take your hand will everything be alright? will my soul begin to shine? will this guilt and pain be washed away? will i live to see another day? i bring you myself. heart open, wounds visible. You know this. it is difficult to see without Light. how is it possible to believe when there is no faith? to trust even when there is no solid earthly object in front of you. only hunger and thirst. the two things that really make us human. what makes us all different is what we are hungry and thirsty for. at this point, for me, i do not know. the weight of the world on your back climbing up that mountain called Life. you watch as everyone climbs close to the top, but your thoughts have pulled you down. the demon ~ i can not let them go. the falling is not the terrifying part. what's scary is the Unknown. what's at the bottom? what will separate you from the rest?