shame and guilt seem to be my best friends. they never fail to stand on my back throughout the sleepless nights or chain my hands in the light of day. over and over they scream "it's not worth it." and "think about how they'll look at you." a piece of garbage is what i see in the mirror. every single thought i call my own is wrong. then there is this music blaring in my ears that i can't even hear because my thoughts are louder than it. i pause the song because i can't miss my favorite lyric then cry. the pictures hanging in my room are watching me, and they're unforgiving. modesty of the mind was something i possessed until you came. now my thoughts and feelings are stripped naked; they're tied to a pole where everyone can see. my brain sends out a signal for help, but i'm lost out in the pacific ocean. there is no life jacket. just me, myself, and my thoughts and maybe you too. somewhere you're always lurking close by. that's when i begin choking on my own breath, yet i am still calmly afloat. "how could you?" and "i should've done x,y, and z" and of course the single worded question "why?" completely indirect, yes, but truly why, why, why anything? these words, my breath, my life. i already know what you'll say, and you, and you. i already know these answers, but that's not what i'm asking for now. it seems as though this question can not be answered within skin and bones. it's time to go, go, go, bye, bye. no more.
YOU ARE READING
my personal essays
Non-Fictionyou may say you know me, but you really don't know me. ©writingxfreak
