Paper Bride ✔️ (Book 4 - DP Series - COMPLETE)

35. No Regrets

As odd as it sounds, life has basically returned to normal. It feels weird that that could even be a possibility. After losing someone so dear to me, I would think that years would have to pass before my anguish would subside, but it's been weeks. I still have moments, bouts of achingly dreadful grief when I just break down for no reason, but then I wipe my tears and go on.

I've learned that the loss of a loved one creates a sense of presence within a person. Suddenly the future doesn't exist. It's not because I don't want it to exist. I very much want to continue on and live my life to the fullest potential, but it ceases to exist after a loss because our minds can't comprehend the future without that person in it. It's a way of protecting ourselves and a way of getting through hell without falling apart.

So now, I focus on taking things one day at a time. I can manage that. It was never strange to go a few days at a time without seeing my mom, so now, that's how I'm acting. I'm pretending that things are normal, and my mom and dad are happily living their lives just a couple blocks away. It's only when I stop to really think about the truth that I realize how dangerous my thoughts might be. I guess they say that denial is a stage of grief, so I'm going to soak up this stage for as long as possible, because I very much like this world of make-believe. Obviously I know the truth, I just choose to ignore it any chance I get.

And one of those moments is now.

Seth and I are lounging on the couch, my legs sprawled out, taking up most of the space while he's pushed into the furthest corner. He's got one arm propped on the arm of the sofa and the other resting along the back. He looks comfortable, no matter how little room he has. I smile looking at him. His eyes are trained on the TV, but there's an awareness in his face, like he knows I'm looking at him. I honestly don't care though. I don't care about a lot of things these days—least of all, if my husband catches me checking him out.

That's how things have been lately. I say and do whatever I please without the fear of consequences. And even though my mind had originally played with the very real possibility that my lack of care could damage mine and Seth's relationship further, it seems to have done the very opposite. It's like this new boldness I have is making me act in a way that I wouldn't have before. The part of me that used to not care about other people's opinions and the part of me that wasn't concerned about the ramifications of my actions is finally blooming again. And it's most definitely a good change.

My eyes slither over Seth's cheekbones, to his jaw, down his neck, and towards his chest. Again, he's wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt, and I find myself slightly annoyed by this fact. Why does he always have to conceal himself so much? I just want to be able to look whenever I want to. And yet, I also find it slightly appealing that he keeps himself so hidden. He's still a mystery and I like that. I've always loved a good surprise, and he's good at creating them.

I see Seth's lips twitch upwards and a moment later his gaze swings over to mine.

"Something on your mind?" he asks, a mischievous quirk of his mouth.

"Hmm." I shrug. "Not really. Just noticing how mighty fine you look."

His brows lift in surprise, but the smile doesn't leave his features as he turns to face me more directly.

"Really?" The gleam in his eyes might indicate that he's teasing me, but I can hear the genuine shock in the simple question. He'd obviously not been expecting that at all.

"What?" I say, mimicking his expression with a playful quirk of my own lips. "You didn't know?"

"Uh," he pauses, scratches his ear, and then chuckles softly. "Well, nobody's really given me a reason to think so lately, so... no. I guess I didn't know."