I Miss You

F O U R

    My week has consisted of me going back in forth from the cliff and the hospital. Karsyn's breathing is better, but that's about it. The lawyer has been blowing up my phone trying to set up appointments, or have me write descriptions, but I have ignored all of it. I did not feel like going through all the bull shit that was the lawyers begging for new information.

 It was currently 11:45pm and I was standing in my closet in front of the full size mirror. My body was littered with small scares all evenly space or perfectly hide able. They were all somewhat faded or even gone, but I knew where they were.Then I looked at my face, when I was little every one said that Karmin and  I could be twins. Our hair was almost the same dark almost black shade, we both had blue eyes but her always shined brighter then mine. Karmin was tall and skinny, she never had much curve but she never complained, our body types were similar but not the same. I used to hate people saying we looked alike, it just never made much since with no blood connection. I have always seen it though, and lately it has been killing me. Somewhere her body is laying maybe even floating there. Her eyes are probably closed, her once tan skin has surley turned pale. The thought of the injury's from that night covering her soft skin made my stomach turn. I wonder if they will still be there by the time they find her body. What if she was nothing but bones by the time they found her. I looked in the mirror, stairing at my face preying it would stop echoing hers. Tears rolled down my cheeks as my mind silently pleaded that the guilt would stop. Next thing I knew I was on the ground, shaking as I tried to catch my breath. I sat in the floor of my closet in nothing but my bra and underwear. my head began to spin as a nauseous feeling in my stomach formed.

I rushed to the on-suite and let the bile fill the toilet. the tears filled my vision as flushed the toilet. The disgusting taste in my mouth was ignored, due to the thoughts running around my brain.

"Its all my fault, I should have said something, I could have helped her." I let mess that was my thoughts fill the room as I rocked back and forth. "lying got her killed and I am still doing it" My words were a horrifying whisper. "She could be at peace" I cried. "I don't want to remember this bull shit!" I screamed banging my head against the wall. Pain filled my head as blood poured out of the back of my head. I put my hand over the wound and pressed down. Blood seeped trough my finger as I attempted to force my heart beat to slow down. The pain coming from my head distracted from the panicked state that was my head. I reached under the sink and grabbed a black wash rag, pressing it onto the spot. 

After getting the blood to come to a stop I slowly made my way back to my closet. I rummaged through my set of drawers a pulled on a pair of red flannel pajama pants. I matched it with a black tank top before weakly walking into the main part of my bedroom. I have not been in my room for a while, every decoration screamed story's of happier simpler times. The walls are white except the chalk board wall that my dest sits against. My black vanity sits between my closet door and my bedroom door,littered with random makeup and hygiene type products. The balcony doors were covered in blinds and dark burgundy curtin, located between two built in shelves. I walked across the dark wood floors to my double bed. I threw myself onto the Grey comforter. I picked up one of my black throw pillows, they all said sarcastic sayings, and due to my siblings my bed was over flowing with them. The only light on in my room was red fairy lights covering the wall behind my head. The fairy lights had Polaroids clothes pinned to them, something I had come home to years ago when Karmin discovered pintrest for the first time.

     "Hey" Oliver said leaning against my door frame.

     "Sup" I laughed mimiking his somewhat deep voice.

     "It's nice to see your not sleeping in the barn" he joked

     "It's nice to see your not sleeping in the basement" I retorted. Oliver walks in the room and sat down on my black office chair in front of my desk. He emmeditly starts spinning lightly.