Shy Love [#wattys2016]

Chapter Forty-Seven

Jamie

I stand beside my father, griping his warm hand tightly as he lie pale in the white hospital bed.

I know what's coming.

I know this is the end.

I know what is happening.

But I refuse to believe it.

A stray tear rolls down my cheek and I swat it away with the hand that is not clutching my dying father's.

He peers up at me through his drooping eyes, "Jamie," he whispers, "I know this is hard but you need to be strong."

I nod forcefully, feeling my throat constricting as I choke back tears. I can not find it in myself to utter even a word, knowing that if I do so a valley of tears will flow freely down my face.

"Jamie, please say something."

I shake my head, exhaling a deep breath.

My dad looks at me with pain in his eyes. Whether it is because I won't speak, I am crying, or he is in actual physical pain I am not sure but I am going to guess all of them.

I know he is hurting.

I know he is dying.

I know that there is nothing I can do about it but be here for him and somehow I can't even seem to do that.

I hear my name being spoken through tears and I turn my head to see my mother, staring at me, eyes gleaming with unshed tears. She refuses to look weak.

My mother motions her arm for me to come forward.

I let go of my dad's hand, "I'll be right back daddy." I choke out, and walk out of the room towards my mother.

She immediately embraces me, holding me tightly against her chest. I choke back more tears, sniffling wildly. I pull back and my mother holds me at arms length.

"Jamie," she starts, "I know how hard this is. It is hard for you, for me, for all of us. But you need to be strong. You need to be strong for him. Do you really think he wants his last memory to be of you holding back tears and not talking to him? And what about you? Is this how you want to remember your father? Jamie, he loves you. He loves you more than words could even begin to describe but you need to talk to him. You need to tell him how you feel and how much you love him. It's all he needs right now. No matter how much medicine they give him nothing will help out more than to see your face, to hear your voice. It is comfort that will get him through this last little while, not medicine, not doctors, and sure as hell not silence. Please. Go talk to him."

I nod.

Registering what my mother said to me I turn around to walk out but quickly stop myself, running back and enveloping her small frame into a large hug that expresses words that I am not able to say.

"I know baby, I know," she soothes as her hands find my hair, smoothing it out comfortingly.

She pushes me back ever so slightly and turns me back to my father's room.

I take a shaky breath and step in.

///

"Jamie," my father's eyes brighten as I walk into his room.

"Dad," I reply, finding my voice again and taking a seat in the small chair opposite his bed, grasping his hand in my own.

My dad smiles at me, "honey I know that you know what is happening. I need you to listen to me. Even after I am gone I won't be gone. Not really. I will always be with you. You will always have me right there in your heart," he gestures to the left side of my chest, "I will be with you every single day. I will be there to see you graduate. I will be there to see you get accepted into every school imaginable. I will walk you down the aisle and I will be there to hold your children. I'll never be gone Jamie, only away."

At this point I don't even hold back the tears, I allow them to fall out of my eyes, resting on my cheeks, in my hair, on my shirt, and on my father's hand. I don't hold back the tears. I don't focus on anything other than the words my father is telling me.

"Jamie you need to promise me something."

"Anything," I choke out.

"You cannot push them away. I know you and I know this will probably be the hardest on you but you can not push them away. Your mother, your siblings, Noah, needs you. They are going to count on you and you can't run. You can't hide. No matter how much it hurts you need to promise me that you will be there. Promise me." he says, clasping onto my hand so tightly that I know he needs to hear me promise. I know that he won't let go until I do.

"I promise." I tell him, praying that my voice comes out confidently. Praying that he knows how hard I will try to keep that promise.

"I love you so so much Jamie. I always will."

"I love you more daddy." I say with a small smile, willing him to do the same. To remember the times when I would tell him I loved him and he would say he loved me more and I would get so frustrated because there was no way anyone could love someone more than I loved my father.

My dad smiles at me, laughter in his eyes and I know that he remembers. I know that I will remember this moment because the next thing I know, his eyes are shutting slowly and the monitors he is hooked up to begin to beep rapidly, signaling a problem. My heart rate spikes and all the tears come at once, spilling uncontrollably from my eyes.

"Daddy!" I scream, "Daddy!"

"Don't leave me!" I wail out, "please daddy don't leave me. Come back, please come back. I need you. Just come back to me!" I shout through my sobs, throwing my body protectively over my father's, refusing to let him go.

"Don't leave me..." is the last thing I remember saying before all I see is black.

\\\

Anyone else got the feels rn?
.... 😭😭😭 yeah me too😭😭😭
This chap was a difficult one for me to write and I hope you all (well i cant say enjoy because what happened is awful) appreciate this chapter as much as I do.
This book only has a few chaps left and im speechless! I cant believe it's all coming to an end!
I love you all so much! Thank you for the generosity and respect!
-maxine<3