Fifty Shades Darker: My Ana

Monster?

She'd left me! She'd said she wouldn't leave me and begged me in her sleep not to leave her, but she was gone. I couldn't believe it! The memory of her walking out of my life would not go away. It had all but consumed my every waking hour, the disappointment and hurt so evident in her eyes as the elevator carried her away from me.

What if I had hesitated and not been so anxious? Would I have realized it was too soon? That she was once again sacrificing herself to fulfill a need in me?

Shit, what had I done?

Instead, in that moment, there was nothing I wanted more than to satisfy the monster inside me. She was the one that said, "Punish me. I want to know how bad it can get." Why in the hell did she not use her safe words?

Always so stubborn.

I'd told her over and over to use her safe words! I'd trusted her, and she'd let me down. She said she'd use them, and she didn't. She'd said to me, "Show me," and I had. And now she's gone.

Fuck. Why did she run from me?

I told myself it was just a means to an end. Ana had to see the monster within me before we could move forward with our relationship, arrangement, or whatever this was. And she'd let me. She didn't stop me.

What a fool I'd been.

She'd let me punish her because she loved me. The thought was both disturbing and terrifying. She didn't safe word because she trusted me not to go too far. Instead, here I sat, alone, miserable, and paralyzed by uncertainty.

The phone buzzed and my heart rate immediately spiked, then fell again when I recognized it was Elena. I didn't want to tell her what had happened; it was like saying the words out loud would make them a reality.

"Hello." I didn't bother to disguise my voice; she knew me and would immediately know something was troubling me. Elena had been the one I'd looked to for advice with my submissives. Ana never was, and never will be, my submissive.

Move on, Grey.

"She left me," I muttered.

"Oh?" Elena sounded surprised. "You want me to come over?"

"No."

Her response was simple. "This life isn't for everyone, Christian."

"I know."

"Hell, Christian, you sound like shit. Do you want to go out for dinner?"

"No."

"I'm coming over."

"No, Elena. I'm not good company. I'm tired and I want to be alone. I'll call you. Good-bye."

I didn't want to talk to her.

I was exhausted and in dire need of sleep. I dread going to bed. Sleep had never brought me peace, only the promise of pain and despair every time I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath and tried to relax.

I wake with a jolt - it was light out. Still in bed, I reached over and grabbed the pillow Ana has used. It tortured me with her leftover fragrance. I hadn't left my home in weeks; what little work I'd been able to accomplish had been from my study.

A new nightmare haunted me now that she'd left me. In it, Ana repeatedly left me every time I closed my eyes. Night after night, I saw the anguish and disgust on her face as the elevator doors shut on my first attempt at 'more'. This ache in my chest would not go away; a constant reminder of all that I'd lost. The feeling was so intense, it was as if someone was stabbing me right in the chest.