Heir of Beasts

Ch. 5.5- Barbarians

Halima lays out the gown reverently, her soft touch and glittering eyes betraying her admiration for the yards of grey silk. I pick it up with carelessness equal to her delicacy, gripping the sleek fabric in my fist, disregarding the creation of wrinkles and the possibility of damage to the silver beadwork at the hem.

"Careful, miss!" She chides me, laying her hand instinctively on mine. "You'll crush it."

"So what if I do?" I mutter, refusing to slacken my grip. "It's nothing, Halima. It's his."

She sighs, her eyes still coveting the sleek fabric. "I suppose so."

"If I could I'd take a knife to it," I tell her as I pull it over my head carelessly. "Or burn it. And send him the ashes. Maybe I will once you're safe away."

She flinches. "You- you really mean to send me away, don't you?"

"I have to," I say seriously, "don't you see? You're the only leverage he has against me."

"That's not true," she mutters. "What about your own life?"

I stop myself from remarking that my own life is not the greatest of my cares. It would only alarm her; she couldn't understand that some days being alive seems more a curse than a blessing. She'd tell me I have a death wish.

I don't, not really. But my attachment to life feels tenuous sometimes, like a thread that could be snipped with little effort. How could I explain that to a child? That it matters little to me if I'm alive at the end of my efforts so long as Sholu Verlaina isn't. That when I try to picture the future I can't, because my family is gone and Shikkah is lost and my own spirit is bent in unnatural ways.

"Never mind that," I tell her. "I can take care of myself. I just can't take care of both of us, alright? I can't keep you safe without bending to his will and I do not mean to bend to his will for long."

"I told you not to go along with this for my sake," she says. "I'm not worth-"

"I will not hear that talk," I say, shushing her. "I've made my decision. You'll just have to trust me."

"I do," she assures me. "Of course I trust you, I just- I don't want to leave you."

"I know," I murmur. "I don't want you to leave either. I'm selfish. But you can't stay, little dove."

I will not drag you down with this sinking city.

"But how can I leave?" She asks. "There's guards at every door, miss."

I smile. "But there are less on the way back to Arzsa. Kaza told me a third of the retinue is staying here to secure the city."

"Still more than we can evade," she says doubtfully.

I smile wider, reaching inside the low neckline of the dress and pulling out a small bundle. "But I have this," I whisper conspiratorially, loosening a string to show her the collection of seeds inside.

"Is that-"

"Lanuli," I finish, quickly resealing the fabric pouch and tucking it back into my undergarments. "It grows along the river in droves, you know."

She dares to smile. "That day you asked out of the carriage to stretch your legs- we were walking along the river. You collected it without anyone noticing?"

I nod. "A handful of these crushed up and added to the barrel of ale they all share each night and they'll be passed out so hard an entire army could slip past them, let alone one girl."

I nod. "A handful of these crushed up and added to the barrel of ale they all share each night and they'll be passed out so hard an entire army could slip past them, let alone one girl."