I just could not believe this. I could not believe him.
He just had to station his group right next to mine.
The campsite we were in was huge. It had hectares and hectares of land. He had tons of choices on where to sit and have their activity but he just had to sit there.
He just had to choose to sit near me and my group.
He's getting to my nerves and he knows it. He's probably doing it on purpose anyway. He's trying to get my attention. He's been trying to do so for the last few weeks anyway.
He's been subtle but I know what he's trying to do. He doesn't show it. He still tries to act like he doesn't care anymore but I know he still does.
He knows that I can sense when he's near me. He knows that it bothers me. He knows. He knows me too well.
He knows me more than I even know myself.
My thoughts were interrupted as I felt the cool air brush upon my skin. I tugged on my jacket. The fabric was comforting for a moment, but the feeling quickly went away as my mind automatically wandered back.
I swallowed, took a deep breath and inadvertently sank my nails onto the jacket's cloth. It was the most that I could do to shake the feeling away. It wasn't like I could just excuse myself from the group and leave.
I was facilitating a camp team and I wasn't supposed to be thinking about anything other than my faci - related duties, but somehow that wasn't the case.
But how could I do so? He was staring.
Somehow, everything that we once had flashed into my mind at that moment.
I remember looking at him and seeing stars in his eyes, running my hands through his hair, daydreaming about the little pleasures of seeing him laugh and knowing exactly how he wanted his morning coffee.
I remember performing with him on stage. I remember all those stolen moments and subtle flirting backstage. I remember how he confessed and how I realized I was falling. I remembered all our sneaking around and all those playful moments in our dressing rooms.
I remembered everything. Every little thing about him. Every single detail. Every crook of his face. Every feeling I felt. Every adventure we had. Every tale he told. Every song we sang. Everything.
Those memories hit me like a bus at full speed in a highway. They hurt. They hurt so much. And God, I did not need to deal with these kinds of emotions right now - so I laugh.
I laughed so hard my eyes crinkled and my teeth showed themselves.
I laughed and felt him stare even harder.
Here he goes again.
Staring.
I can feel it to my bones.
He's looking.
And he wants me to look at him too.
I debated with myself.
I want to look at his deep chocolate eyes but I couldn't.
Not after everything that happened.
I want to embrace him. I want to go near him. I want to talk to him. I want to laugh with him. I miss him. I miss him badly.
So I told myself that this will be the only time that I'll my guard down a little. I stared back. And I fell. I fell deeply into those chocolate eyes I loved so much.
His stare were so deep that I couldn't get up.
I couldn't move my gaze.
Staring at him felt just like one of those scenes in cheesy romantic YA novels. It was as if time had stopped and there was nobody else left aside from the two of you. Nobody else mattered. Your heart would be beating fast, thumping even and then one of you would smile and make the other laugh.
It was just like that. The only difference was I didn't laugh. He did smile but it was bitter. It's the type of smile that tells you that he's sorry. The type of smile that says I miss you. The smile that shows sadness and regret and pain. The type of smile that you wear when you realize you should fight for someone or when you realize that you're about to lose the one you love.
I still couldn't move my gaze. But I needed to. I had to. I knew I had to.
I knew that if I continued to stare at him, I would lose this little game of ours. I had to keep my wall up. I couldn't let him break them down again. I needed to be guarded and alert.
So, against my will, I did.
But in those few seconds that I was staring at him, I realized something.
I realized that after all these years, I am still in love with him.
I am still in love with my childhood friend. With my best friend. With the guy who was there for me when no one else was. With the guy who was stayed beside me no matter what anyone else said about our relationship. With the guy who loved me despite all my flaws and weaknesses.
My walls were there not because I had to keep myself from falling for him once again. They were there because I was afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid of being near him, being close to him. I was afraid that if I let him back, he would just leave when things get rough and when we lose the support of people around us. Just like what he did last time.
My walls weren't because I had to keep myself from falling because I had already fallen for him a long time ago and I haven't moved ever since. It was because the love I had and have for him has never left. I hadn't moved on. I haven't moved on. I still love him.
I am still in love with James.
AN:
first draft editing credits to my bestfriend hihihi
