Tale as Old as Time

Chapter 6

Tom had to leave the following morning. He looked so unsure of what to do, but he had work and really he wasn't part of this. We made an appointment to have the D&C a few days later. Up until the appointment Lisa basically moved in with us. She came to check up on us the day after Chris got home and saw how much of a mess we were so she made lunch. She didn't leave again at all that day.

Chris and I cried a lot. It was almost like we were taking turns comforting each other. It was rare that we were both able to be strong at the same time. I was rarely strong at all. Just sometimes it felt like I'd run out of tears.

The day of the appointment was the worst. I struggled filling in the paperwork and every single new person who came to speak to me asked me why I was there. Every time I had to repeat it I'd start crying again. When I told one nurse I was having a D&C she asked me if it was possible I was pregnant. I nearly lost it at that. Having to answer that question nearly broke me.

"Why can't they just look at my chart?" I sobbed.

Chris held my hand and stroked my hair. "I don't know. Try not to be too hard on them. They're just doing their job."

"I can't keep going over it again and again."

"I know. I hate seeing you like this. It will be over soon." He said, trying to comfort me.

"Will it? After the surgery I'll be fixed? I stop being a walking crypt and suddenly I'm all better?" I snapped.

His brow creased and his eyes filled with pain. I wanted to feel bad about what I said but I was too full of grief to feel anything else, let alone guilt. I just turned away from him.

Another nurse came in, this time with Doctor McKenna. "We're going to take her in now, Mr Evans. She'll be in surgery for a couple of hours and then post-op for maybe an hour. We'll call you when she can see you." Doctor McKenna said. She handed him a bundle of papers. "These are prescriptions for her pain medication. I'd suggest getting those filled while she's under."

Chris kissed me on the forehead and then on the lips. His fingers stroked over my stomach and I started to sob again.

"Chris..." I said.

He nodded and squeezed my hand and I watched him stand there crying as they wheeled me out the door.

* * * * *

I awoke from surgery freaking out and crying. I couldn't seem to stop and when they tried to reassure me I ended up throwing up. They gave me a sedative to calm me down.

I lay there groggy and crying, just wanting to be with Chris again. Eventually they wheeled me to observation and Chris came in. He looked broken. He sat down next to me and held my hand while he leaned his head on the mattress of my bed.

"I wanna go home, Chris." I whispered.

"Gotta wait til they say it's okay, babe." He replied. He sighed and sat back in the chair. "I went out while you were in surgery."

"What? Why?" I asked.

Chris shook his head. "I wanted to take a walk. There was a tattoo place, so I got one. Doesn't matter. When I got back there were press here. Outside."

I started chanting 'no' under my breath. He stroked my hair and gave my hand a squeeze. "I know. I'm sorry I brought this here."

"What is wrong with them? Why can't they leave us alone?" I cried.

"I'm sorry. We'll bring the car right up. I - I'm sorry." He said.

We were there for another hour or so and finally discharged. An orderly wheeled me to the entrance of the hospital while Chris went and got the car. When he pulled up he jumped out and flanked me, blocking me as best he could from the photographers as I got into the car. I broke down in tears again and cried most of the way home in that body shaking, complete loss of control way that happens. My loss was going to be in the tabloids. People were going to gossip about why we were there. Chris' slutty wife getting plastic surgery or having an abortion of something. I don't know how I was going to get through this. I was sick of people talking about me.

When we got home Chris supported me inside. I went and took a shower and dressed in my pajamas and just hopped into bed. Chris came in holding a tray. "Ma made you this." He said placing the tray beside me on the bed. There was soup and crackers and tea.

"Can I eat this?" I asked. I don't know why that was the question I went with. Default habit maybe?

"Yeah, it's just vegetables." Chris answered. "You okay, babe?"

I shook my head. "I can't even remember what okay feels like. I thought I'd already lived through the worse thing that I could go through. Now I hurt. I hurt from the loss, I hurt from the surgery. I hurt because I couldn't even have our pain just between us."

Chris lay down on his back staring up at the ceiling. "This is all fucked."

I started eating and Chris just lay there beside me. "Sorry." I said.

"What for?"

"All of this. I feel like a failure." I said.

"This wasn't your fault, Emily." Chris said, sighing.

I shook my head. "What if it was?"

Chris sat up and moved the tray off the bed and he wrapped his arms around me. I sunk into him. "This is just a shitty thing that happened. We can't blame ourselves as much as we might want to. We have to just move forward."

We lay wrapped around each other for a little while, before I sat up again. "Can I see your new tattoo?"

Chris let me go and pulled his shirt up. It still had the clear bandage on it. It was really tiny and located just under his left pec. "I dunno if you're gonna be able to see so well yet. Can't take this off until tonight."

I could vaguely see at weird little green shape. "What is it?"

He ran his hand over his head. "Jelly bean."

"Oh Chris." And I was crying again. This time for him and everything he'd just lost. All the happiness he'd been riding on that had suddenly been switched off. The excitement about his family starting. The list of names he'd already started drawing up. How he'd started singing to my stomach and how he kissed it all the time. That was all gone over night for him.

"We can try again. I know that. But it won't be the same. I just wanted to keep them with me." Chris said. He wanted me to understand why he'd do that. Like somehow I was judging him for it, or I didn't get it.

"I know. It's really nice, Chris. I love it. I love you. I wish this had been different."

Chris sighed and kissed me. "Me too. It is what it is though. We still have each other."

We did. I still didn't know what I'd done to deserve him. I was grateful that I did.