Dear Diary

Day 2

Where you hope everything, everyone and you will be in 10 years

Dear Diary,
Wow.
Ten years is a fairly long time, ain't it?

It's funny really, a year ago if you would've asked me that question then I would've had a perfect answer for you.

One that would make old ladies who sip tea with their pinkies raised, say:
'Such a sweet and organized girl, already has everything planned out' and I would've blushed prettily

I would've told you this:
"In 10 years, I'll hopefully be married to Travis. We will live in a small and gorgeous house. I'll have a good job, not a very hectic one but one that will make me happy. We will have two beautiful kids, a girl and a boy. We'll be happy, very very happy. My mom and dad will get along just like they did before I grew up and life will be good."

I guess it's true what they say about life, it can turn upside down in a matter of seconds and as you can see, mine has.

Since Travis's death, I haven't even thought about my future.
Let alone hope for it.
I think I have kind of forgotten that I am even going to have a future because my life feels like it's going to be stuck in high school and in this house forever.

I think his presence in my life made it organized and with him gone, my whole life has turned into a challenge for I never know what's going to come my way.

And what a bloody awful challenge it is!

Spencer Hastings once said that 'hope breeds eternal misery'

I think she was right.

Hope is like the light at the end of the tunnel but I haven't even found the tunnel yet and the light at the end of it has now started to seem like an urban legend

However, I am determined to show Brandon and myself that I can fixed
So for at least a few pages, I will try to find the tunnel, so I can crawl towards hope.

I hope that in 10 years, I will have a good job probably even a hectic one so that I forget my worries.

I hope that I will be married and that I will have two kids and that I will love my husband.

I hope that mom will be happy too, she will be free of her problems, of her addictions.

I hope that she will be able to find love again. Because despite all our issues, I think that deep down she still loves me and I do too.

I hope that Luke and Anna get married and adopt many kids because Luke has always wanted a big family. I hope that they don't let Anna's infidelity stop them from having a big family.

And as for Brandon... there are two parts of me saying two different things

One part of me says to hope that Brandon never gets over me, that he keeps persuading me until I am finally okay with the idea of being in a relationship. This part of me actually kind of hopes that he will be the guy I am with, even after 10 years even though all of this will be unfair.

The other and more wiser part of me hopes that Brandon will be happy too. This part hopes that he will forget about me because he deserves a girl who can love him back and who is perfect, not wrecked like me.
Because Brandon himself is perfect.
I'll probably be sad over losing him but at least I'll know that I never gave it a shot. I never gave us a shot even though he has been pining after me since freshman year.

I'm going to listen to the wiser part of me because Brandon deserves all the good in the world.

I hope that the hatred in our world will finally end and that we can live and breathe in peace.

I hope that corruption will end

I hope that sexism and racism will end and that we will be able to accept people for who they are, regardless of their shape, color or race.

I hope everyone will learn to love themselves

I hope that Hannah Andrews will find someone who loves her for the scars on her arms and thighs.

I hope that Charlie Mathews will not be bullied anymore and that he will be happy in his own skin

I hope that I can at least be a part time dance instructor for dancing and cheerleading is the only thing that makes me feel alive.
That makes me feel like a part of this cruel world is still happy and cheery.

I hope that I can forget and forgive Travis

And I hope that I can forgive both my mom and dad

And my last hope is to check everything off of my bucket list.

Of which the first one is being actually and truly happy.