Dear Diary

Day 7

If the world were to end tomorrow, what would you do today?

Dear Diary,
                       When the movie '2012' came out five years ago, I was 12 years old. I was a very silly 12 year old and I got terrified when I watched that movie.
I immediately ran to my father.

He put down his paper and looked at my horrified face with concern
"What's wrong, kiddo?" He asked in his perfect dad voice

"Dad, its August 2012 and the world hasn't ended yet but it's going to end very soon!" I exclaimed. He looked bewildered for a moment but then he threw his head back and laughed.

"Come here" he said and I went to him, sitting in his lap. I knew I would always be his little girl.

He tucked a lock of hair behind my hair, patting my head.
"And how did the directors know the world is going to end in 2012?" He asked.

I pondered for a while before answering  "I don't know, they just do" I shrugged

"No. They don't. God didn't send them a manual" he shook his head and smiled.

"Are you sure?" I asked in relief

"Very very sure. We'll bet on it. I'll give you two bucks if we're right here, in the same city, watching the fireworks on 31st December. If not, then you owe me two bucks." He said and I nodded, placing my tiny hand in his large one.

"And even if the world does end. We've always got each other" he smiled and kissed my cheek.

I grinned because yes, we would always have each other.
Wrong. I was wrong.

Do you still want your two bucks, dad?
Because you weren't there when Luke took me to watch the fireworks. You and mom were too busy fighting that night.

Right now, I have to pretend that God actually gave me a manual and the world is ending tomorrow.

Here's what I'd do:
I would go straight to Brandon's house and the first thing I would do is kiss him with all my might. For once, I'd let go of my irrational fears because I would know that there would be nothing left to lose.
I would finally mean a kiss after Travis's death. I slept with so many guys after Travis's death, just to get over my grief and I meant none of those kisses, I want this one to be different.
I want Brandon to know that I'm actually not as cold as an iceberg, I want him to know that I really really like him. Maybe he already knows that.

Then, I would hug my mom, tighter than I ever have. I'll throw away all of her bottles and I'd try to bring her back. I don't care what it takes, I would bring my mom back. If it's just one day I've got, then I would want it to be dominant over all the other terrible days I have had.

I guess now I realize why they say that we should live every day as if it'll be our last.

I would visit Travis's mom because I haven't seen her since the day Travis died. We were both present on his funeral but we were too engrossed in our grief to even acknowledge each other.
So I will go to her and I would tell her that I am sorry that she had to lose her son so soon and I will tell her that I'm sorry for not having a reason for his suicide. She probably needs more closure than I do.

I would write a letter to Luke. No, screw that, I would go visit Luke, no matter how far away he lives.
I will sit down and finally have a good chat with his fiancé, Anna.
And then, when Luke would get home from work I would hug him. He would kiss my head just like he always did and I would finally tell him that I miss him.
I'd probably slap him once for leaving me alone with a drunk mom and my dangerous thoughts. I would want to do more punching and slapping but as I said before, this would be my last day on Earth, I want to spend it happily not by going over past things that can never be fixed. I would catch up on everything with him.

Lastly, I will do one thing I have been afraid of doing for a very long time.

I would visit my dad's and Travis's grave.

I'll go to my dad's grave and tell him this (yes I have this planned but I never had the courage) :

"Hi dad, I'm sure you are very very mad at me for not coming to see you earlier. I'm also sure you know that I'm very very mad at you too for various obvious reason. The drinking, the fights, the death. So I guess we're even on those grounds. That being said, I know I didn't say this at all in the last years of your life but I love you, dad. You turned into a whole other person in '2012' and I guess that was supposed to be the end of my world and that scared the crap out of me. I was scared of the only man who was my hero. But you're gone, the damage is done and I can't argue with you so that's all I've got to say. I love you and I miss my dad, not the monster that caused havoc in our house. I know you're probably ashamed of yourself too, there were many times that I had walked past your room and saw you trying to control yourself from chugging down that next glass of alcohol but you couldn't help it. I wanted to come and talk to you, comfort you but I was too scared. I forgive you dad, I do. Here's your two bucks"

And then, if I get through all of this without choking on my tears, I would leave the two bucks above this grave along with the Lillies which were his favorite flowers.

Then I would go to Travis's grave and I would say this:
"Hello Travis. I know you too, just like my dad, are mad at me for not visiting but you know I have my reasons. You hurt me worse than anyone ever could. I don't think I can love anyone now because you made it that way. I mean, Brandon is this amazing and handsome man who likes me very very much and I'm too afraid to like him back. I'm scared that he will leave me, just like you did. Anyway, happy thoughts. I want to tell you that I love you. I miss you very much. I miss how your lips used to feel on mine, I miss the smirk that made its way up your face when you knew that I was too lost in you, I miss the way you used to give me the best hugs and I miss the way you loved me. There's some part of my brain that believes that you only killed yourself because you didn't want me or your mom to see you suffering or at least that's what I tell myself. I'm still mad because I don't have any reason or person to blame for your suicide but I guess that is life.
It's never perfect, right? But you were, my love. You were perfect. Thank you so so much for giving me the best two months of my entire existence. I promise I will never forget you or stop loving. You have a permanent residence in my heart. Rest In Peace, sweetheart, because that is the only thing you didn't have in this world"

Again, if I get through this without choking on my tears, I'd place Daisies on his grave because they were his favorite.

And, after all of this, I would be ready for the world to end.

This particular entry made me feel like I have a lot of stuff to deal with and I will, someday.
Someday.
Some day.