Dear Diary

Day 17

Someone you miss

Dear Diary,
                      When I first read this topic, I seriously thought about who I should address this to?

Travis?
Mom?
Dad?
Some long lost best friend?

And it took me so many days to realize who I miss the most, who has left a bigger hole in my heart.

Someone who's alive.
Someone who's related to me by blood.
Luke.

Me and Luke were never like ordinary siblings.
We never fought like cats and dogs, maybe because we never really talked that much when other siblings were fighting.

We actually got closer to each other after our father's death.
Especially after our mom started drinking.

He let me into his room that night and let me play his stupid video games. He even made me hot chocolate and comforted me that it was all going to be alright.

I actually believed him.
Silly, silly me.

When Travis died, I lost the first man I ever loved and Luke lost his best friend.
I had known Travis for only a few months, Luke had known him for a year or two.
After Travis's death, Luke was just as devastated as me and it shone on his face, no matter how much he tried to hide it.

Our rooms were wall to wall so if there was silence, you could practically hear everything.

One night, when silence was reigning our house as usual, I heard someone's cries.
It was a surprise I could hear them over mine.

I knocked on his bedroom door and let myself in.
He quickly sat up and regained his composure, acting as if none of this affected him.

I sat on his bed and squeezed his shoulder
"It's okay that you're sad and it's absolutely okay that you're crying. It's all too much, I know. Trust me" I comforted him and he stayed quite for a moment.

If I hadn't looked at him, I would've never guessed he was crying.
His shoulders were shaking with silent woe, it was almost like he had mastered the art of crying without making any noise.

But I think he was relieved I was there with him, because he didn't cry on his own, he had a shoulder to cry on.
He had my shoulder to cry on.

After that night, I thought that maybe our difficult silence would be over, the silence that was alive because we were trying to hide our grief.
But the silence only got stronger.
It was almost like he had regretted opening up to me.

Then, one day, he barged into my room with the largest smile plastered on his face.

"I got into Stanford!" He shouted and we both screamed in delight.

He picked me up off the ground and spun in circles.

"Stop it Luke! You're making me dizzy" I hit his arm and he put me down

"I'm so proud of you" I hugged him and he kissed my hair

"I'm proud of me too" he grinned and I hit his arm again before we did our weird sibling handshake.

The day he left, mom was half sober and there were tears everywhere.

"You're not dying, you ass. You will visit, right?" I confirmed

"Of course I will, munchkin" he assured me.

Lies. All lies.

When he was stepping off the porch, he looked back at the house and I can never forget the emotions in his eyes.

There was sadness, of course.
But there was so much relief that you could just overlook the sadness.
He looked like a prisoner being released from jail.

I guess some part of me guessed that he was never going to look back but I was just too scared to admit it.

He delayed it on the first weekend, saying he had a lot to catch up on.
Next week turned into next month and next month turned into never.

This is all I know about Luke and Anna, in his own words

P.S. I met an amazing girl, her name is Anna. Our first date is on Saturday

P.S. Anna is awesome, I think I love her.

P.S. Me and Anna are engaged!

P.S. We were trying for a baby. Anna can't have one. Pray for us

P.S. We submitted our forms in the adoption agency. Fingers crossed

And the latest one

P.S. We got our first interview this week. Let's hope it goes well

Maybe next Christmas he'll tell me that he now has a child and I'm an aunt in his P.S note.

I'm not mad at Luke for never looking back, our mom probably deserves that.

But where does my fault lie?

Our relationship was way greater than giving away big information in two sentences.

He could at least call me.

He probably has a greater fault in turning me into me

He was the one who was supposed to be responsible, he always had been.

He could at least ask me something, anything
'Munchkin, you sure your thoughts are not eating you up?'

Just one sentence.
I would've poured everything out because I have wanted to tell someone everything for so long.
It's always on the tip of my tongue.

I want to get to know Anna. I wanna be able to talk to her like a sister.

But for the first time I'm saying this with my heart. Half of it, at least.

It's okay, Luke.
Because life goes on, mine is.

I'm not going to lie and say that to this day, whenever my phone rings, I don't wish its him.
Because I do.

And I miss Luke. Very much. I want my big brother back.

But it's okay.
Because I can't have everything my way.
Life just presents me my rotten meal and I have to master the art of swallowing it without shuddering.

Slowly and steadily, I'm getting better at it.

It's okay.
It's okay, Luke.
Life goes on.