Dear Diary

Day 13

What did you do and feel on the day/night of your last birthday?

Dear Diary,
My last birthday was when I turned seventeen, an age of beauty and fun, is what they all say.

Beauty, maybe
Fun, I don't think so.

I woke up in the morning to about a dozen Facebook notifications, all of them, not surprisingly, were birthday wishes from people I hardly knew.

I got up and wore a beige dress. That day was supposed to be special so I curled my hair and put on some extra accessories.

I found Luke's annual birthday card on my doorstep.
I opened it, curious to know what news he had for me this year.

Happy birthday buttercup,
I hope you're doing good. Remember I love you.

P.S. Me and Anna have submitted our forms in the adoption agency, fingers crossed.

I smiled and flicked away a tear. It felt like I was reading a birthday card from a stranger.

Why is Luke a stranger to me now?
Aren't I the same sister who he used to share everything with?

I put on my best smile and walked out of the house, not even bothering to look for my mom or any 'birthday' breakfast, I wasn't expecting any miracles.

I went to school and gladly accepted all the flowers and birthday wishes.
Alex invited me to her party, and as was expected of me, I conceded. At least now I would have something to do tonight.

After my English class, I was getting my books from my locker, staying alert and looking out for Brandon who had a knack for surprising me on my birthday.

I shut my locker and there he was, leaning beside the door.
I let out a little scream and hit his arm
"Don't" slap "do" slap "that"

"I know you love it, Ron" he smirked and I laughed.

He was probably the only person who actually remembered my birthday without checking his Facebook.
Apart from Luke of course, maybe.

"Here you go" he handed me a bouquet and hugged me.
I hugged him back.

I took out the card from in between the flowers.

Happy birthday Ron,
I hope this year brings you a lot of smiles because I'm not a very big fan of your tears. And remember, I'm always there for you, I promise.
Love, Brandon (the one and only)

I put the card back and smiled to myself.
I hope so too.

At night, I dressed myself in black and stained my lips a bright red color.
Stepping out, I decided that tonight I would only have fun, no other stupid shenanigans.

I reached Alex's place and went inside.
The stale scent of perfume and sweat occupied the room, I went further inside and found all my 'friends' sitting there.

We laughed, danced, talked.

That was, until, April thought it would be funny to add vodka to my drink.

And of course, this went on as more people found it funny.

Remember how I decided 'no stupid shenanigans'?
Yeah, that didn't happen.
Because drunk Veronica is more stupid than sober Veronica.

And she slept with, Zack Harvey, the captain of the baseball team.

Who passed out after he got what he wanted.

And I, lied there, staring at the ceiling and thinking about how naive I was.

I got dressed.
I took of my heels.
And I ran.
I ran out of Alex's house.
I ran out of her street.
I ran until the burning sensation in my eyes was the only thing I could feel.
I couldn't feel my feet
My face
The cold.

There was a hollow feeling in my chest, as if I had dropped my heart somewhere.
And I wanted to scream out loud, I wanted to bang on every door and shout at people.
I wanted to let the world know that I was shattered and I wanted someone to help me clean up my mess.
I wanted to shout at everyone and tell them that I just wanted to be like a normal 17 year old.

I didn't know where to go so I went where my feet took me

So, I was standing in front of Brandon's house.
I texted him to come outside.

After a few minutes, the door opened and I saw a sleepy and confused Brandon standing in front of me.

"Can I come in, please?" I said, my voice sounding so distant to my own ears.

"Yeah sure" he opened the door wider and I stepped inside.
He led me to his bedroom and I immediately went to the bathroom, not even bothering to close the door.

There, I puked my guts out and when I got up to wash my face, I saw her, this very weird girl.

My mascara was running down my face because I had been crying, unknowingly.
Now I could finally feel everything.

The whole room was cold, and the coldness crept into my bones
My feet were bleeding, and they hurt so bad but this torture wasn't enough for how awful I was
And I had dropped my heels somewhere during the run.

I sat down on the bathroom floor, crying.

What has happened to me?
Why won't this hollow feeling in my chest go away?
Why am I always crying?
Why can't I be happy?

I pulled my hair and kicked my legs like a little child. I wanted something to hold onto.

I let out a loud groan, my pain was exploding inside of me, running side by side  with my blood
"Oh, Jesus Christ, Ron" Brandon cams inside and discovered me crying on his bathroom floor.

He picked me and carried me outside while I just sobbed into his shirt.
After a few moments, I realized he had rested me on his lap.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, balling my fists and just crying.

"I don't want to exist, Brandon" I sobbed
He just hugged me tighter

"Stop crying, Ron" his soft voice had a firm edge.

"What's wrong with me and Brandon? Why can't I be happy? Why do I have to be so stupid? And why the fuck do I smell like alcohol?" I ask, sniffing.

"Hey, look at me" he said, smoothing my hair

"No, I look ugly" I replied, snuggling deeper into his chest.

He held my face and lifted it up.
He didn't even flinch as he saw me.

"Nothing is wrong with you" he cupped my face

"You can be happy but only if you learn to forgive yourself. Only if you allow yourself to be happy" he rested his forehead against mine.

"You're not stupid" his thumb stroked my cheek.

"And you smell like alcohol because you've had tons" he said the last part and I gave out a chuckle.

He kissed my forehead and I buried my face in his neck, falling asleep then and there.

There was still a hole in my chest. Only now, I had the motivation to fix it.
And I had someone who would help me do that.