Dear Diary

Day 8

Discuss your first kiss and first love

Dear Diary,
All these movies and TV shows portray first kisses as some otherworldly and magical thing. However, as I think every one will agree, they are far from magical though they are otherworldly with how comical they are.

My first kiss: Josh Martin
I was in middle school, I think I was 13 or 14. All of my friends had had their first kisses and I felt like a social pariah, so me, being the silly teenager that I was/am, walked up to Josh in the hallway even though I was late for class, and I kissed him and then I just walked away without any words.

Now that I look back at it, it was a rather creepily stupid thing to do. And it was extremely awkward and weird.
Josh just froze, he didn't even move so it was really a one sided kiss and it was so.....wet. I didn't know that so much saliva was supposed to be involved but at least I was part of the "teenage world" now. After class, Josh caught me in the hallway and asked me if I wanted to go out after school with him.

Let me tell you what 'go out' meant in middle school: we would go to the diner to get burgers and milkshakes, it wasn't some fancy restaurant if that's what you are wondering.

Anyway, we went to get burgers and I think this is how the conversation went:

"So....that kiss" Josh started, fidgeting in his seat. If it was humanely possible, he was feeling even more awkward than me.

"Yeah....?" I said

"It was the best kiss I've had" he grinned and I grinned back.

"Really? How many other girls have you kissed?" I inquired, it must've been more than two if he was giving me the best kisser award

"You're the first one" he replied and I tried really really hard to suppress my laughter.
Tried.

After that rather awkward conversation, we walked home and he kissed me again. Unfortunately for us, he had ordered onion rings. So you can imagine how my second kiss went.

And my first love.
God damn it!
What is it about Travis? It's like I'm a homesick traveller. Wherever I go, whatever topic I stray off to, I always come back to Travis Hayden.
I am homesick and he's my home and I really need to shift!

Anyway, as you might have figured out, Travis is....was the first man I ever loved. And today, I will try to focus on the good parts of our relationship.
No bad thoughts. How hard can it be?

Travis Hayden was, as I believe, the best thing in my life. He was my everything. The experience that Travis Hayden was, taught me never to let anyone be my everything again.

I remember how awkward I was on our first date, I couldn't stop fidgeting and Travis couldn't stop laughing.
I was too shy to even order a molten lava for dessert because I knew Travis didn't have a sweet tooth and I didn't want to eat it all by myself. So he ordered molten lava for me and took teeny tiny bites so I wouldn't feel like I was eating it all by myself, when in actuality I did eat it all by myself.

Hah Travis! I so wish you were here right now. I want to kiss you so bad!

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.

I distinctly remember this one surprise date although I don't remember what occasion it was.

I was really bummed out because Travis was going to be out of town and I really wanted him to be there with me to celebrate. So Luke tried to console mom and took us to dinner so I wouldn't be bummed out.

Gosh, I miss my brother!

So, we went there and Travis surprised me. All of us had dinner together, one happy night it was! It was the happiest I had been in a long long time and I thought that things were falling back into place. That we were slowly and carefully fixing our broken family together, step by step.

After dinner, mom and Luke went home while Travis took us to our spot. It was a little park, a few blocks away from his house. It was usually very quite so we often had half the place to ourselves.

We could also see half the town from there and it was just a beautiful sight, to know that there were so many people out there who didn't know us. All of them had different stories, different problems, different causes of happiness.

I sat between his legs, my back toward his chest, his arms around my waist. It was my safe place, it was my happy place. We didn't even talk that much but every few minutes, I would tilt my head back and smile at him and he would kiss me.

That was all it took to alleviate my spirit, I was a happy soul in that little place.

We stood up, he played 'The Way You Look Tonight' because he knew I was an old soul inside and we just danced to it.

My hands were around his neck, my head on his chest and his arms were around my waist. All we did was sway, it was a peaceful state. No insect was chirping, the wind didn't have a sound. The only sound I heard was of his breathing and the rhythm of his heart.

Oh god, when did I start crying?

"If I proposed right now, would you say yes?" He asked me.

I lifted my head from his chest, my blond hair was mgliding with the wind. I touched his cheek, ever so lightly, caressing it, trying to tell him that he meant more to me than anyone ever did.
I stood up on my tippy toes, kissing his jaw and then his lips.

"Yes" I whispered against his lips.

Our eyes met, we just stared at each other. I was hoping, praying that he would get down on one knee. Reckless, impractical and stupid as it would have been, it would have made me happy.

I don't bloody know why, but I felt a tear roll down my cheek and he brushed it off.

Resting his forehead against mine, he told me he loved me for the first time.
"I love you, Veronica Stanley" he said. I forgot everything in that moment, I forgot every bit of sadness that I had.

"I love you too, Travis Hayden" I replied.

Then he kissed me like he knew he was going to commit suicide exactly a month after that.

Happy thoughts, Veronica.

I realized that night, that this was the man I wanted to marry. That this was the man I was going to marry. I loved him so damn much that every part of me could feel it.

It's a shame he had to die, he probably was too good of a man for this cruel world. Only people with a little bit of darkness in their heart can survive in this world, he couldn't, for he was the purest soul I had ever known.

I don't care how much I point this out, but I really wish I could know what killed him. But I guess this is how the world works, it has lots of secrets buried six feet deep.

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I was talking to my friend while writing this chapter and I was like: "Why did I kill Travis!?"
And she replied: "why did you?"
I said that I didn't realize I would love Travis this much. Poor Travis!
Please vote and comment for my poor soul who wanted to cry while writing a chapter for her own story, who's hero she killed herself! *sniff*