To Love (Mpreg, Scömíche)

Chapter 20

October 30

34 weeks, 8 months 2 weeks, third quarter

Home sweet home I have been for over a month now. Finally being able to curl into my own blankets in my own bed, eat at  own table, catch up on Netflix and spend time with my kitty. Most importantly I feel safe enough to actually let the grieving process take place.

It has been super hard especially in the beginning. The first week of being home had been hell. My emotions had been all over the place as I tried to process it all. I was snappy with Scott, did plenty of crying and screaming. Yet I pushed through with Scott's help. We had many meals that consisted of soups or small healthy snacks throughout the day with my appetite being so poor, yet I forced myself to eat.

After the first week the anger faded as it truly hit me that Jessa and Sarah are gone. No amount of screaming or aimless crying was going to change that. So,I fell into a depression. Feeling confused and hurt as I tried to understand why them, why people so young with so much ahead of them? Why an innocent little girl? As this all hit with the depression I had no energy to get out of bed, I didn't want to do anything even the act of watching TV took too much energy.

Scott would hold me in bed during this time talk through with me some of my questions even if he didn't have the answers. He was the one that encouraged me to get out of bed, and do some little things to make me feel better like go with him to Starbucks or lie out in the backyard. Anything to get me out of bed doing things. It was me that decided to call my therapist to let her know what has happened and maybe set up a couple of appointments to see her. 

After starting to see my therapist, whom talked through the process of grieving how to healthily deal with it, and to start thinking of the good news things again rather than on what is lost I started to feel better.

Now I am almost back to normal, with little things like an old picture I find on Facebook, or something else that may remind me of them is found I start to cry a little, but am quickly able to calm down.

In order to let go of what I can't change my therapist, Scott and I decided that I should do something that will I be able change, is happy, and something I have control over. We have decided to start working on the nursery.

I have been busy online scrolling through different websites looking at baby furniture, on Pinterest trying to find a cute nursery idea and favoring anything I like. I have guiltily ordered a box of Disney themed stuffed animals that includes about twenty different animals, even though I know she won't be able to play with them for awhile yet. I still wanted them though. 

"Alright, what are our ideas so far?" Scott asks as he pulls up a chair beside me at the dining room table with our plates of Hawaiian pizza, which I have been craving and some ice cold yummy pink lemonade.

"We have a music nursery, Disney, or fairytale," I reply as I sip my lemonade as I flip through different sets ups for each theme.

"Mm...We do have the bunch of Disney themed stuffed animals you insisted we needed," Scott reminds me as he rests his head on my shoulder, so he can see the laptop screen too.

"I know...I like the music nursery idea, but all I can find is super boyish ideas, and isn't it a little cheesy with us both being musicians?" I ask biting my lip as I scroll through the music nursery ideas.

"Yeah, it is a little cheesy. I can also honestly say I don't care for the fairytale, I mean it seems so classy and formal. Look at some of those nurseries, Mitch. I would be scared to walk in them let alone let a baby play in it," Scott says pointing to some of the nurseries that are admittedly very fancy for a nursery.