River & Colt [Completed]

10. Before

Unedited
10. Seventeen

River

I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I was repeating that in my head as I walked through the crowded hallways of school.

I hated everything in that moment. The smell of the disinfectant and sweat, the noise of chatty teenagers and angry teachers, the way my sneakers squeaked on the linoleum floor. I hated Mackenzie waiting at my locker and her brother's eyes from across the hall.

"What's up your butt?" Kenz asked smiling at me. She looked like she didn't know, maybe Colt didn't tell her what happened.

"Your brother," I mumbled. "Oh," I said covering my mouth with my hand.

Kenzie started laughing so hard tears were streaming down her cheeks. I wanted to hate that but I couldn't, I started laughing too. We looked like two freaks in the middle of the crowd laughing until we cried and could barely stand up.

"Okay. I meant that I'm mad at him," I said finally getting my breathing under control. Mackenzie rolled her eyes and shrugged. This wasn't the first time Colt and I had fought.

We were still in a weird in-between phase of togetherness. When we were together we were fireworks and confetti and lightning. But apart when real life snuck in were were like quicksand; being pulled down into our respective positions. Colton as a king and me as a peasant.

I wanted it all with him. Hand holding in the hallways, kissing between classes, laughing at a passed note. Instead, all I got was a quiet smile or a nod in my direction. We were still orbiting on different planets and I couldn't figure out how to jump over to him. And I wasn't sure if I wanted to.

I didn't want the life Colt had. The pressure of being perfect every step of the way. To never have a bad day on the field and off. I liked my no nonsense friendship with Mackenzie where silence was our friend and Friday nights consisted of bad TV and even worse junk food.

"Vi," Colt said walking towards Mackenzie and I. We were still at my locker waiting for the first bell to ring. Kenz went to walk away but I grabbed her arm and kept her near me. I didn't want to talk to him, I didn't know if I could talk to him.

"Not now," I said and turned to open my locker, even though I didn't need anything in it. I had to do something with my hands so they didn't flop like a fish out of water. That's how I felt most of the time, like I was still figuring out how to use my legs and my brain and my voice. Some screwed up version of The Little Mermaid.

"Then when?" Colt asked and it looked like he was reaching out to grab my hand but thought better of it. He probably didn't notice that I noticed the way his eyes wandered around the hallway to make sure no one was watching.

"When I have time," I said, slamming my locker and walking away. Mackenzie trailed behind me, she probably spoke to Colt before following me so I was already in my seat in first period Math class when she took her spot next to me.

"What happened between you two?" She whispered, "Colt looks upset."

I shook my head, "he just doesn't get it. He wants to talk and to know things about me but I can't trust him." My voice cracked, thick with unwanted tears. It was hard balancing my life with Colt and my life at school. It would be so much easier to merge the two but at this point that seemed unlikely.

"Talk to him," Kenz said her green eyes so familiar that I had to look away, "figure out of you want to continue this or not. I don't want to see either of you hurt."

Mackenzie was sort of stuck in the middle. I could see why she was hesitant about the two of us but I appreciated how she kept that all to herself. We were best friends that understood without having to say the words. Kenz knew that I couldn't hear her fears because they would morph into my own, and I have enough fears to last a lifetime.

When I got home from school, after finishing a project in the library, Colt was sitting on the front steps of my house. His baseball uniform dirty and his hair still wet with sweat. I wanted to run over to him and to have him tell me about the game and his day, to fall back into the comfortable routine we've been in. Something held me back though.

I walked closer to him and he looked up and smiled a small smile. He was cautious and unsure, so unlike the Colt that walked up to me in the hallway. The saddest part of it all was that I didn't know which Colton was the real one.

The one who watches animal videos with me on Youtube and laughs at my jokes, helps me when the words don't come. Or the guy who cares about baseball and girls, parties and laughing at the weaker kids in the hallways.

"Can we talk now?" He was pleading, green eyes wide and that trace of a smile vanishing as I waited to give him his answer.

I was about to nod when a crash came from inside the house, followed by a scream of anger or sadness. It was hard to tell and getting harder every day.

Colton stood up to come inside with me. He looked scared looking from the front door to me. I shook my head, "I can't right now."

I walked into the house and picked up the shattered glass from a vase that we've had since I was a little girl. I cleaned my dad's hand up, bloodied and bruised. My dad looked like a small child sitting on the toilet seat, eyes down, sad and tired and so unlike the father I grew up with. But things change before. Big things and little things and we don't know how we'll react until we do.

"It's a lot, Vi." Dad said, "too much going through my head. I don't know what's real and what isn't."

I want to tell him that I get that but I don't. I don't know what it's like to be in a different world where soldiers don't come home and the ones that do are never the same again.

So instead I let my dad talk. I let him find the words that help his head and try not to think about the sadness in Colton's body when I watched him walk towards his car.

A few hours later when my homework is done and my mom is home making dinner. My dad knocks on my door.

"That young man hasn't left. Should we invite him inside or call the cops?" My dad looks like my dad again and that might be the scariest part of the whole thing.

I smile, "let him in."