River & Colt [Completed]

17. After

unedited

17. Twenty-One

River

The sounds of the pots and pans and the deep mumbles from the diners is barely enough to distract me from thoughts of Colt. I knew coming back here would mean seeing him and letting him in. But I wasn't prepared to feel everything again.

"How're you?" Mrs. Jones asks from the counter. She has curly gray hair and lipstick stained teeth. She has been on this stool since I started coming here all those years ago.

"I'm good. You?" I ask simply. I don't want to answer nosy questions. I just want to get on with this day so I can get home to Luna.

What I'm not expecting is my mom to come barreling into the diner with a look of disgust on her face.

"You've been back in town and haven't even bothered to tell me?" I can smell the alcohol on her breath even though it's barely the afternoon. I cower just like I've done since my mom took up drinking as a hobby and quit her job.

She now sits in the house, drinks, and paints. She retired early, she'll tell everyone. But the truth is she got a huge chunk of money after my dad died. He wanted help for his problems but was constantly pushed away, Mom sued and won.

She sits on stacks of money but still lives in that tiny house with falling down shutters. She's never offered me a cent of it, and I wouldn't take it even if she did.

I almost tell her about Luna right there. I want to see her reaction without any warning. But I also don't want her involved. Mom checked out when Dad did.

"I'm sorry," I say simply to appease her. I don't want to get into anything while I'm at work. I need this job.

But this town thrives on drama so I can feel every pair of eyes on us. I want to crouch down behind the counter and hide for the rest of my life. 

Breathe. I tell myself and attempt to do just that. Being in my mom's presence reminds me once again why I needed out so badly. It was hard enough to lose my dad but losing my mom when she was sitting in the same room as me hurt me so much worse. She was choosing to ignore me and allowing the space between us to widen until I couldn't even see her silhouette. 

"Are you back for that boy?" My mom asks her voice deep and raspy from years of cigarette smoke. I barely recognize her. She's so skinny that her cheeks have sunken in and her arms are as skinny as twigs. Mom was always skinny but this is sickly and my heart breaks.

I look at her and wonder if leaving was a mistake. Maybe I should have tried harder to bring her back to life after Dad died. Maybe I could have changed her outcome. She looks sad and beat up and so unlike the mother I grew up with. The one that would come home from work with a smile on her face. The mom who read me bedtime stories about my dad fighting crime in a far away land. 

I look at her and try to remember the good memories but it's so hard to find them through all of the hurt. When Luna was born I swore to myself that no matter how bad life gets I would never abandon her. 

I shake my head. I don't go into any detail about why I'm back and I refuse to tell her that maybe I am back for that boy. The same boy that made me feel loved and alive and like I could take over the world one day. The boy that I destroyed and who destroyed me too. The boy that I might possibly still love.

We are face to face now. She is leaning her bony elbows on the counter and I refuse to look away first. She looks back towards the door right as Ms. Mayer comes in holding Luna. I curse under my breath and wish to be anywhere else but here.

In that moment I miss the busy streets of New York, the horns blaring, and people talking. 

But I understand why I had to come back. I was low on money and I couldn't keep looking into Luna's eyes knowing that her other half was miles away and clueless. It just wasn't fair.

"We wanted to visit," Ms. Mayer says either ignoring or not feeling the rising tension in the diner. My mom is looking from her to me to Luna and back again. I can almost hear her mind working and turning over details. 

"Oh, hi there, Jane." Ms. Mayer says smiling and once again not realizing the shocked expression on my mom's face. Maybe I should have mentioned that I haven't told my mom yet. 

"You had a baby?" My mom asks her voice is monotone. She seems upset and angry but trying to hide it. 

I nod because I can't speak. My mom laughs and walks right out of the door the bell jingling long after the door closes.

***

I'm holding Luna tightly in my arms as I walk towards Colt's apartment. He opens the door and I immediately fall into his arms. He is solid and warm and everything I've missed wrapped up. 

"What's wrong?" he asks taking Luna from my arms and kissing the top of her head. 

I can't stop the tears from falling, "my mom came by the diner today. She saw Luna and she looks so terrible. She is withering away and I haven't done anything to help her. I'm failing her just like I failed my dad."

Colt wraps his free arms around me, "Vi, it isn't your responsibility to take care of your parents. Your mom disappointed you again and again after your dad died. She should have figured out how to grieve on her own. None of this is your fault. Your dad or your mom."

I want his words to change how I feel but they are just words. And sometimes words don't mean anything. Sometimes change comes in the silence of the night time or in the small breaths of a baby. Sometimes change happens while the world keeps spinning and everything else stays still.

But for now nothing has changed. I'm still broke and scared and desperate to help my mom and scared that I'll fail Luna. And I'm still hopelessly in love with a boy I've been trying my hardest to escape.