River & Colt [Completed]

16. Before

Unedited
16. Seventeen

River

It's hard to feel anything when feeling too much is what took my dad away. He was so sure that something was out to get him, or so sad about the friends he lost, or so focused on the things he saw and the things he did that he couldn't escape. His mind was a whirlwind of desert sand, gunshots, explosions, and loneliness.

Feeling too much is what made him pull the trigger and want to end it all. He didn't think about me or Mom, he thought about escaping. And that hurts. That hurts so badly but I'm trying to avoid it all. I want to curl up in a ball, read a book, hide away from the rest of the world.

Mom isn't any better. She is a bird with broken wings, fluttering around the house trying to find something to do but falling short. We can barely look at each other.

I don't know if she avoids my eye because they are the same blue as my dad's. Or if she is still so disappointed in me for leaving him alone all day and for following some guy around town like a lost puppy.

Colt should have never happened.

"You doing okay?" Kenzie asks. We are sitting at a table in the library because I had to get out of my house and I couldn't think of anywhere else to go. It's spring break, a couple weeks after my dad died, and I am still avoiding everyone except for Kenz.

Mackenzie is my brain, my heart, my soul for the moment. I've had to transfer my whole point of living to her for safe keeping and she is doing a good job. Kenzie always does a good job at making sure everything inside of me stays inside.

I nod. Talking has become harder than usual. She doesn't push, she lets me sit quietly looking through a stack of books I found on the return cart. I like reading what other people have read. It makes me feel closer to the world since I am so locked up in my own head.

"Colt," Kenzie starts and I look up at her. She knows by my face that I do not want to talk about her brother. I want to go back to how it used to be when it was Mackenzie and River against the world. Colt never fit into that equation.

"He misses you," she says anyway. I know she is stuck in the middle of it all. She has to keep me together and dodge the questions about my well being when she goes home at night. It's so dumb that I'm jealous that Colt gets to keep Kenzie forever when we could just be temporary.

"I got into school." I speak slowly, testing the words, "in New York."

Mackenzie's eyes grow wide and she nods a couple times, "that's amazing, Vi. It's what you've wanted."

I can see her sadness underneath the mask of happiness she's wearing. I've been dreaming of New York City since I was old enough to understand what dreams were. I wanted the lights that shine even through the rain, the invisibility as I walk the crowded streets, the different people and the different lifestyles. I wanted out of this town where everyone knew too much.

"You'll visit, right?" I ask faking a smile. It almost hurts to try.

"Of course," she says. But a rock feels like it lodged itself into my stomach. Can I really escape this place if I'm tied down by my best friend who never wants to leave?

I ignore those thoughts and try to continue reading but the words swirl on the paper. My mind travels through the city and the subway and to some dingy apartment where my roommate is ignoring me and I'm ignoring here and everything is perfect. Mackenzie doesn't fit into that. Or at least I can't seem to place her.

When we exit the library, rain has started to come down hard. The type of rain where it looks like sheets of water instead of single drops. The kind of rain that soaks you to the core in seconds. The kind of rain that can make a person seem small and insignificant.

"What're you doing here?" I hear Kenzie say but she is just a blur of water and movement.

"Vi," I would recognize his voice anywhere. And suddenly he is right in front of me, hair sopping wet.

I try to move around him but he won't let me through. The rain is making me dizzy and cold and I want to go home but I don't think I have a home anymore.

"We need to talk," he says grabbing my hand. My heart would follow him anywhere and right now my brain is too preoccupied with the thoughts of my dad, NYC, and this weather.

He leads us right to his car and opens the passenger door for me before running around to his side. He turns the car on and blasts the heat. I hold my hands up to the vents and wait for the warmth to explode throughout my body. I try to ignore his gaze.

"I'm not losing you, Vi." He says it so simply like there isn't any other options. And I think in his mine there aren't any. It scares me to think about life without him but it scares me to think about how my life is now with him. He is a hurricane, destroying everything in my wake and I love it. I'm his completely. And I have never wanted to want to belong to another person.

"I'm going to New York. I'm leaving and I don't want to do this anymore," my voice is strong. Stronger than I actually feel. I can feel my insides shaking as the lie falls out of my mouth. The truth is I feel too much when I'm around him and I am done feeling.

"We can handle it."

"I don't want to handle it, Colt," my voice is laced with anger. He senses it and backs off a bit. He looks sad, I want to smooth out the wrinkle in-between his eyebrows and kiss his cheek to make him smile like I've done so many times before.

"I'm done," I say. "I'm sorry."

I open the door and shut it quickly before I change my mind. Luckily the rain hides his face before my walls come crumbling down.