River & Colt [Completed]

13. Before

unedited. 

13. Seventeen

River

Colton still makes me nervous. Butterflies and shaking hands, sweaty palms. And I know that he is confused and hurt by my lack of recent interest in him but it's hard. It's hard figuring out how to balance my own life along with my family's life.

I tentatively knock on Colt's front door and wait for the familiar sound of his heavy footsteps but they don't come. Instead the door opens and Mackenzie is standing there in pajama shorts and a sweatshirt, hair in a messy bun.

"Hey, Vi," she smiles but the smile falls short when she sees my face.

"Ahh, you're here for my brother?" she asks with a wink. I nod and don't feel like talking further and Kenz gets that. She always gets it.

When Mackenzie doesn't answer I already know he isn't home. It's 9:00 on a Saturday night. The only two people in this town who aren't out doing something is the two of us.

I sigh and try to hide the look of disappointment that crosses my face. I don't expect Colt to sit at home and wait for me, especially when I've been avoiding him at every turn. I just didn't think it would hurt this much to know that he is out doing whatever and not thinking about me.

"We can go see him," Kenz says pulling me into her house and dragging me up the stairs.

"Where is he?" I ask.

"A party at Zac's house," she says like I should know who Zac is. But I do, because Colt talks about him sometimes. And I realize I know more now than I ever did because I listen when he talks and I love to hear the funny stories he tells about baseball and the guys in his English class. I know I made a mistake by keeping things from him and hiding.

"Can we go?" I ask. I'm still unsure of how high school parties work. Do we have to be invited? Is it going to be weird if we show up? "What if Colt's with someone else." I say it aloud and wish I hadn't.

Mackenzie looks at me seriously, "he's Colt. He wouldn't do that." But for some reason she sounds a bit unsure.

We get ready in record time. I keep my skinny jeans on and borrow a simple shirt from Kenz. We don't dress up too much knowing this is going to be a quick thing. At least we hope.

Mackenzie drives towards Zac's house and I wish my nerves would calm down. I'm picturing Colt surrounded by girls, his lips pressed against a pretty blonde. It's not an image I want to see but I can't seem to stop.

The house is crowded with drunken teens and red cups. It's a bit smelly in here because the house is tiny. Zac's house shouldn't have this many people in it. I don't think anyone will notice us because of the amount of people.

Kenz and I split up trying to find Colt, he finds me first. He is on the outside deck when I walk by talking to some girl. He sees me and comes right over wrapping his arms around me. I melt into him. All my worries disappearing just as quickly as they appeared.

"You're here," he says. I can tell he's been drinking by his rosy cheeks and too big smile.

"I want to talk," I tell him.

He nods and leads me outside and around the house. We sit on the grass, close together, hands tightly clasped together.

"You've been avoiding me," he says simply. I nod and lean my head against is shoulder trying to figure out what to say.

I breathe in the fresh air and freshly cut grass mixed in with the scent of Colt: ocean and sunshine.

"My dad isn't doing so well." I say, "I'm trying to figure out how to balance everything."

He looks at me thoughtfully, his eyes filled with emotion that I've never seen before. They are so green in the light of the moon with the grass around us. I reach up and run my fingers through his dark hair and he sighs. I'm content even as I'm telling him my darkest parts.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

I shake my head. I'm trying to plan the words carefully, purposefully but I can't. I'm taking before I even realize, "my dad was in the army for a long time. He was hurt a couple of years ago and had to come home.

"He's fine, physically." I add, "but mentally he isn't. He has PTSD and sometimes it's bad. Like the other night when you heard the crash, he threw something. It doesn't happen often." I shrug and I want to stop there. There is something in the way Colt is looking at me that makes me feel comfortable enough to tell him everything.

I sigh, "Mackenzie knows. She's okay with me skipping out on plans or not showing up to school or sometimes being mentally absent even though I'm sitting right next to her. I don't know how that works with you. When my mom has to work doubles or overnights I have to be there with him."

Mom's nursing schedule is terrible but it pays the bills and gives us great health insurance so it's hard to complain. But the nights when I lay in bed and listen for any sound my dad makes are the most tiring and the most lonely. It's hard to even tell Kenz about that part. 

Colt grips my hand tighter and kisses my cheek, "Vi, it's the same. I'm here for you in any way you need. If you have to cancel plans it's fine, if you aren't able to talk I'll sit quietly with you until you're ready. I want this with you, a real thing."

"Colt, it's easy to say now. Things get bad and I disappear. You aren't the type to keep waiting around."

"I am for you. I'll wait."

I want to believe him so badly. The doubt creeps up like a vine tightening around my mind, "you just started noticing me."

"No, I've always noticed you. I wish we could go back in time and start right from the second we met. You've always been in the back of my mind and I'm sorry it took me so long to realize." 

When I don't say anything he continues, "I want to be with you. I want everything. I want to be there for you with your dad and with everything else that goes on in your life. Please, give me the chance. We can't go back in time, Vi, all we have is right now."

I nod, "we have now."

"So what do you say?"

"Yes." The answer slides right off my tongue with barely any effort, a feeling I've never felt before.