Camp Anderson

An Aside (I am So Sorry- This is Really F***ing Strange)

Brian Eno's POV

As I wait up in the tree for that lazy bitch, Robert Fripp, to return with the victim, all I can do is think about how badly I need my plan to succeed- and how likely it probably won't.

It's not because I'm going to fail, or that there is anyone on the opposing side with any abilities to actually challenge me, but it's because I know Robert is going to screw things up, or he'll screw things up for me...

I don't know what it is; I haven't been on tour in a while, so I haven't had any groupies to have sex with (What, you thought I had sex with my actual girlfriend? Pff...no.)

Anyways, I've been thinking... Maybe Robert would be willing to help me, I need some sort of affection.

Crap, he's coming through the bushes right now...
____________
Robert stands probably, a man slung over his shoulder, "Hey, Brian! I have the man you wanted!"

I jump down from the tree and reply, "Well, Robert, I didn't ask for anyone specifically!" Then, Robert throws the man down, at which point he lets out a pathetic yelp, and then I look him over. Oh, crap, that's who he brought... "YOU BROUGHT ME MICK JAGGER?!"

Robert sasses back, "Well, princess, you didn't give me any specifics on who you wanted kidnapped, so of course they handed over the person they wanted rid of anyways!"

I groan and start caressing my face, "Ugh, Robert, just dump him by the lake somewhere... Maybe Ringo will find a use for him."

"Um, I actually think Mick has a girlfriend that would like him back," Robert says.

Hmm, very curious, "You mean to tell me that in the whole camp there is one person that loves Mick?"

Robert smiles, "Yeah, at least one," then, Robert throws himself down on the ground, "Okay, you know what, Brian, if you want rid of Mick tonight, it's up to you, because I'm not carrying that bastard back anytime soon!"

I laugh, "Oh, Robert, you don't see my logic? We hold Mick hostage, as there is one person that cares for him. We can feed him the scraps that fall from Robert Plant's hair."

Robert Fripp starts making a bed for himself from the leaves, "Ugh, whatever. Just let me sleep."

I come closer to Robert, "Actually, I have a couple more questions for you, I'll ask as I tie up Mick," so, I tie up Mick, duh, "Anyways, why do you think Lily dumped me for Keith?"

Robert groans, "She didn't dump you for him, you idiot. She just wanted rid of you. Second, I don't know, perhaps he isn't insanely possessive, perhaps he'd rather have sex with her then a random groupie, and perhaps he doesn't constantly complain about his feet!" Robert rolls over and pretends to snore.

I whack his shoulder, "I'm serious! What does he have that I don't?"

Robert rolls back over, "Well, I thought I just answered that, but if you want more, I'd love to provide that for you. First, he isn't a balding twenty six year old, second, he can actually drive, third, I don't know and I don't care! Maybe they are off braiding each other's hair or something!"

"I don't know, Robert, you can practically smell the ego coming off of him, though," I reply.

"Yeah, and you can smell it on me, too! We're musicians, it's what we do. Clearly that's something you wouldn't understand though, considering you lack any traditional musical abilities!" Robert rolls back over, "Goodnight, Eno!"

I come closer to him, "Oh, I'm not finished with you, though."

Robert opens his eyes and looks intently at me, "What is it now?"

I lay down next to him, "I was just thinking, if you shave your beard, put on some lipstick, and then I get insanely drunk, I might think you were a woman. Then, would you be willing to have sex with me?"

Robert throws some of his leaf bed at me, "I am NOT shaving my beard for you, asshole! If you want a man named Robert to screw, go ask Robert Plant! Now please, let me sleep!"

I finally get up, "Fine! I'll ask Plant," so, I go through our little camp in search of Robert Plant. Finally, I find him, "Hey, Robert, want to have sex with me?"

Robert laughs and starts to sing, "Babe, babe, babe, babe, babe, babe," and then he stops and smiles seductively, "Absolutely not, jackass. Go find someone else to screw."

Who else do I have available? Mick Jagger...

Hmm, it appears I've lucked out...