Prom

thirty three

The Fourth Visit- November 2019

The first few visits were the rebuild of connection and love for Harry and Holden. Holden had the most innocent questions for Harry. They were things a young child would ask their father. He asked Harry about his profession and about Harry's hobbies. He asked a lot of questions about Harry and I met and about Harry met his mother. He was so interested in what Harry was like and he felt confident in the fact that Harry was a good person and a good father. He had no doubts in his mind that the words Harry told him, the stories they shared were all true.

When it came to Harry learning about Holden, he never liked what he learned. Harry wanted to know the small things like what kind of student Holden was in school, what kind of friends he had, and little childhood pleasures. But when it came down to the life defining things, the details of Holden's life that made him the person that he was now, Harry was furious. Holden always talked about how his mother seemed to be out to get him. She seemed to want to ruin everything Holden had going for him. She never had the house clean and if she were to bring men into their home she would let them beat him. 

Holden was shy and to himself a lot of his childhood. He made friends and said he was well behaved but his life never seemed to have things work out for him. He once said he felt like his whole life was leading up to one really bad thing. 

Over the two years we had been visiting Holden we had slowly but surely made the move out to California now. Our three year old loved the beach and the sun of California and raising a child in the state that used to be our home, took away all the fears we had associated with it. We felt like this was the place that was going to destroy us. After what he had done, every step in this state felt wrong and that had changed. 

Our daughter loved the beach, she loved the same playground I played on when I was a kid, she loved where we lived and that made us love where we lived. We were finally safe here again. We got to be back with our families which was a nice thing too. We felt so alone living in Colorado, it made Harry and I a lot closer but nothing replaces living near your family. 

This morning was like any other morning. Esme was eating pancakes and writing a letter to Santa, Harry and I were drinking coffee. We watched our daughter like a hawk, it felt like everything she did was fascinating. Just watching her was more entertaining than anything we could put on TV. She was the most perfect thing and drawing our attention away from her was a crime. She ate up our attention, too. She was spoiled by the two of us and knew exactly how to make Harry and I melt.

"We need another one", Harry said, placing his hand on mine, " I would like 3 more."

"Three?!", I exclaimed and he laughed.

"Two maybe three, maybe five. We make beautiful babies"he brought his head closer to mine and pressed a kiss on to my neck.

"I agree", Harry kept placing wet kisses up and down my neck, " I could be down for more."

"Really?", Harry said lifting his head up in excitement, the biggest smile on his face. I nodded and he just held me, kissing any piece of my skin he could. We were content with just our one child but Harry and I were the most baby crazy people in the world. Always down with a case of baby fever.

"Okay, I am going to call my mother and have her take Esme for the weekend", he said walking out of the room.

"Love birds", Esme whispered under her breath making the both of us laugh uncontrollably. She was observant and very witty, you couldn't keep anything from her. She seemed to always be interested in what Harry and I were talking about. Esme continued to eat her breakfast and as soon as she was done I got her ready for the day at her grandma's house. As soon as all of us were ready and Esme was dropped off, it was time to see Holden again. The holiday season was the hardest on both Harry and Holden so we made it a point to see him before things got busy.

Whenever we had a conversation about Holden we tried to keep it away from Esme as best we could. We didn't know how to answer any of the questions, and we didn't want to spark an interest in her head. If she wanted to meet him, if she talked about him enough, Harry would've found a way to make it happen. She had Harry wrapped around her finger, so all conversations about Holden were behind closed doors, after Esme was fast asleep. When she was dropped off at her grandma's house on these fateful days that we visited Holden, we told her it was because Harry and I had "adult things to do", which was true. 

In a perfect world, Harry got to spend Christmas with all of us. The guilt of what we did and his son taking the blame for it ate him alive some days. He constantly would think about what our lives could be like if it wasn't for this. If we hadn't killed those people on Prom night, If Holden's mother would have never been in the picture. Harry did a lot of wishing these days and I had to remind him to live in the moment a lot. If it weren't for many of the choices in our lives him and I would have never met, we would have never got married and had our daughter. There are a lot of things in our lives that we all wished we could change but we had to live with them. And living with them isn't a bad thing.

We were close to the prison and the ride had been awfully quiet. Harry usually talking my ear off with nervous anticipation.

"You're quiet today?", I sort of questioned, "Everything okay?"

"Something is off today", he said pulling into a parking space, " Something just feels wrong about today and I can't put my finger on it."

That'd made me nervous and as we walked into the prison, I was very aware of all my surroundings. If Harry had a bad feeling, to me, that meant something and I had to keep my eye out. We began looking for Holden, who was usually at a table waiting for the both of us on days like today but he was nowhere to be found. That made the both of us worried. 

"Mr. Styles", an officer said coming up to Harry, " May I speak to you alone."

Harry nodded and the two of them went off into a corner to talk. I wanted to be involved in the conversation even though it wasn't my place. I hated to be left out of whatever was going on and whatever information the officer had to give Harry. He was my husband and I felt entitled to everything that he had and everything he did. 

The officer then hands Harry two envelopes and put his hand on Harry's shoulder in a comforting manner. Harry nodded and thanked the officer before walking back over to me. He didn't say anything but took my hand and guided me back to the car. 

I wanted to put the songs I listened to at the end of this chapter because I feel like it was a very introspective chapter that needed music but I'm listening to Cardi B "Bodak Yellow" and that doesnt feel right. lmfao