Nothing Wrong With Loving

Chapter 5: Kai from Gym Class

Jake and I were never friends.

We knew each other, we had friends in common but we weren't exactly friends. It wasn't because I didn't like him, I didn't particularly care about Jake. He was just a copy of his older brother, Caleb. They both even had the same haircut, dressed the same way. Jake copied his brother's way of speaking and it seemed as though everything he did, he did it to impress Caleb. Getting Cecily's attention, getting with her in a way no other boy had ever done, that was an accomplishment I'm sure he shared with his brother.

Cecily claimed not to like neither of the Boyle brothers and yet she always was around them. I think she liked them, she was attracted to them and there's nothing wrong with that, I might not like boys but I could admit that they were good looking and I knew Cecily thought so too, she was attracted to them, mostly Jake, even if she said she wasn't.

I used to be envious of that little detail. I used to hope that maybe I was bisexual, that maybe one day a boy would come and I would fall for him. It never happened and I highly doubt it ever will.

I opened myself to the opportunity of liking boys, I talked with local boys and some from the towns nearby, I went as far as to talk to them online. It always felt... forced. I was so desperate to be 'normal,' to find an explanation as to why I didn't feel any sort of interest for a boy that I thought: okay, maybe this thing I feel only happens with Cecily, maybe I was demisexual and I didn't feel any type of attraction for anyone else but her because I had such a deep connection with her that it couldn't compare to anybody else.

Little did I know...

I talked to girls online and it was... different. It was easier, a lot easier... it was natural, it didn't feel forced at all. It was like flirting without even realising that I was.

I wasn't asexual or demisexual. I wasn't bisexual or pansexual either. I was just gay and no matter how many excuses or how many things I tried to make myself believe, the ideas always came crashing down because the reality of it all was that I was in love with Cecily and I could love other people if it ever came to it but I don't think it'll ever be a man.

The thought of it sent chills down my spine, made me feel a certain way that I was not completely proud of. It made me feel... ashamed and angry.

Ever since Cecily and I got into this... relationship, I understood that although it was normal to us, it wasn't for other people, so we kept it to ourselves. It became some sort of secret, a dangerous secret that I wanted to keep buried. I couldn't fathom the idea of other people knowing.

I remember I used to pinch myself whenever I stared at her for too long in public. I would bury my nails so deep into my skin that sometimes, more often than not, I'd draw blood. It got to the point where the pinching and the half-moons didn't hurt anymore. And then, Cecily would brush her fingers over my scars, she never asked about them but I think deep down she knew why.

I loved her for all the reasons you love someone. I loved her because she's the most incredible person in the world, I loved her because even when she angered me and annoyed me beyond reason in that particular way only the people you love can annoy you, it was her and only her that brought me peace and calmness when I was surrounded by chaos and my family was falling apart.

But I hated her. Or at least I tried to convince myself that I did. At one point I wanted to because she made me love her and because she was a girl.

Loving her kept me up at night, it made me toss and turn in my bed, trying to find excuses for my behaviour, my lust and my want. I've come up with so many excuses only to not accept the fact that I'm gay. For a while, I told myself we were just friends who were practising, that was what friends did, right? We were practising for when real love comes, for when boys come along and that thought eased my storms a little, it allowed me to sleep at night.