Nothing Wrong With Loving

Chapter 14: The L Word

When I got to the church, I could tell something wasn't right.

I think the way people were looking at me was what made my heart race and my palms sweaty. They were turning and whispering when I walked by as if I had something on my face, which I was sure I didn't because I checked myself in the mirror before I left Ceci's.

I walked by Mrs Khan and I waved hello at her like I always did on Sundays. She didn't smile back, she pretended like she didn't see me but I knew she had because I could see her looking at me from the corner of her eye.

It was weird because Mrs Khan was very nice to me. I wondered what I must've done to cause her to ignore me. Maybe I walked by her at the supermarket and I didn't say hi, old ladies tend to get upset over that sort of thing. Manners are important. My grandma taught me that. Actually, she told me to always say hi to Mrs Khan because Mrs Khan might be nice but she was also gossipy and bad manners weren't something I wanted Mrs Khan to talk to Grandma about since Mrs Khan and Grandma had weekly phone calls.

With a frown, I made my way to where my family sat. My mother gave me half a glance and it was enough to stop me right in my tracks. Her eyes were red from anger or crying, perhaps. Her lips were pursed in a thin line and her jaw was clenching with force. I sat next to her, ignoring my father's greetings.

I was wondering what the hell had happened to everybody when my mother moved away from me a little. Suddenly, it all came down to me and I froze.

I couldn't hear Father Mathew's voice anymore, I couldn't hear the hushed whispers or feel every single pair of eyes on me. All I could hear was Jake's voice as he blurted out the one thing I had kept locked in a closet for years. In one-minute, Jake did what I had been trying to accept my entire life.

I spent a great night with Ceci, filled with I love yous and hushed moans. It was the best night of my life so far and it completely made me to forget that it wasn't a secret anymore, that I was struggling to speak to my mother, that I came out to my father, that I still had people to tell and that it was a race against me telling them or a stupid gossip getting around.

What if she knew? What if what I had been afraid of ever since I first kissed Cecily had finally become a reality which I had to face when I was not ready to?

I swallowed hard and looked down at my mother's hands. She was holding my father's hand and her knuckles were white because of how hard she was holding him.

"Think before you do something you'll regret, Jasmine," I heard my father's hushed voice. My tears were filling my eyes, blurring my vision.

"How could you do this to us?" My mother whispered, anger and hurt all over her voice. I released a shaky breath that I didn't know I was holding until my lungs began to burn. "Did Tobias—"

"Jasmin," My father spoke, his hand squeezing my mum's. It was, I think, the first time my father ever stood up to her when it came to me.

"Is this because of the conversation we had the other day?" She asked, I looked at her. There was a tear rolling down her face. She avoided looking at me and I was thankful for it. "Are you— are you testing me?"

"Mum—" What was I going to say? Could I deny it? Maybe I could make it work, tell her that Jake was jealous because Cecily wasn't into him so he made up a lie about her and dragged me into it to make it believable. I could lie and swear on my life that I wasn't what I was.

Or I could give it up, I could shrug and say I am what I am despite what you want me to be; despite how much you hate it.

I had to choose between lying to her and living my life the same way I had for all these years, a life filled with anger and hate, pain, lies and resentment, hiding myself because of fear. I could lie and I was confident I could make her believe it, after all, I was a professional liar by now, I had been telling lies since forever. Lying was easy for me.

But then, I heard Father Mathew's voice and the conversation I had with him came back to me. There's nothing wrong with loving, Nina. And then I saw her eyes, her cloudy grey eyes, her bright smile and I swear I could feel her fingers running up and down my back, her nails drawing circles on my skin, giving me goosebumps. I love you, Nina.

And I loved her too. I loved Cecily and I couldn't keep hiding it because loving her wasn't wrong. Hiding it was wrong.

So, I sighed and I dropped my shoulders, I relaxed in my seat. "I love her."

My mother looked away. I could tell she was trying really hard not to cry. It took her exactly one minute to stand up and walk out of the church. My father sighed and followed, I followed behind. I was surprised my legs even worked.

My mother was pacing from one side of the parking lot to the other, my father tried his best to calm her down when he reached her. I just stood there, looking at her, thinking what the hell did I do that was so bad? I just fell in love.

"I just— I don't understand, Nina—"

"And what do you need to understand?" I spoke, my voice raw as tears fell from my eyes. I was scared but I was tired of feeling that way. "It isn't for anyone to understand but to respect. Do you think this was easy for me? All my life I've lived trying to change this and all I've accomplished was to fill myself up with rage and hatred because I can't change it—"

"Nina, there's nothing about you that you need to change—" my father began, frowning and looking down at me as he shook his head. It was the first time he spoke to me since we had the talk.

"I know that now and— I don't want to change it either, I like who I like and I— I'm sorry if you can't be around me because of it—"

"That's Tobias talking—" my mother shook her head, pointing at me as she shook her finger. "It was him, wasn't it? The university stuff, was it him too?"

"No, it isn't," I snapped, taking a step towards her. I truly wanted to believe in my father's words. I truly wanted to believe that maybe it wasn't the fact that Tobias was gay that made her kick him out but rather the way he treated her. "I— I can't change this. I shouldn't want to change it and you shouldn't want me to either, mum. I've— I know it's hard but—" not knowing what to say, I just shrugged, hoping that my words would get to her, even if I said nothing much than a few words.

I could tell that something changed in the way she looked at me, maybe the fact that I was crying and visibly hurt made her hurt too. I thought maybe it would be alright, maybe my dad was right. However, anger quickly took over her expression as she raised her hand and slapped me across the face and as soon as her eyes met mine, I saw regret flooding from her but she was way too proud to apologise.

She wouldn't step back, just forward.

"Your brother put you up to this—"

"Jasmin!" My father quickly got in the middle, glaring at my mother, looking at her as if he didn't know her.

I raised my hand to my cheek. My father was trying to reason with her, telling her that it was crazy and that she needed to think about what she did with Tobias and that he wasn't going to lose another child because of her.

"I'm a lesbian and there's nothing you can do about it," I told her, my anger blinding my vision as I turned around and ran as fast as I could with no real direction. I heard my father calling out my name but I ignored him. I kept running.

I couldn't help but laugh as I ran, I was crying but there was a need in me to laugh. It was the first time in my life that I called myself a lesbian. And I said it to my mother out of all people.

I don't know why but I found that fucking hilarious