Real stories from the World - LGBTQ+

Anon from South Africa

Hi. I am 16 year old, bisexual panromantic girl from South Africa. This is just a small look into my life.

South Africa is generally a very accepting place (of what I've experienced) and even though many people where I live are uneducated about LGBT things they are willing to learn. Because we have so many different cultures and religions I don't think there is one massive opinion for or against it. But I have heard that among traditional African religions and cultures, many LGBT have struggled terribly although I cannot speak for them myself.

First things first, I am still in the closet. I am planning on telling my best friend soon but I'm still gathering the courage to do so. But I know I can trust her.

I grew up in a Christian home and I am still a Christian. I have had struggles through my beliefs ever since I realised I wasn't straight a year ago. I thought that my life was over and even though my family isn't homophobic (my uncle is in a gay marriage and my one aunt is bisexual, and we are very supportive of them), it still scared me because i never thought I would be anything other than straight or "normal". It might sound impossible to be Christian and LGBT at the same time but I'm starting to figure it out. I often told myself I was making this all up so I could be different, or special, but then why did I want to hide it from everyone?

For a long time I juggled labels and this only worsened it. I switched between straight and gay, worrying that I was lying to myself each time and trying to create problems for myself before I began to understand that perhaps bisexuality was a thing. (I knew it existed but it had always confused me before). I identified as bisexual for about six months, then just last week I called myself pan for the first time and everything finally made sense.

Recently I realised that my sexuality doesn't define me. Even though I have a major crush on a girl right now, I have made a personal decision to only date guys (when i actually start dating, if ever lol). I know many LGBT people might want to fight me and say that I am denying who I really am. But being bisexual and panromantic isn't me. It's just a part of me.

When I was first questioning, I spent many nights searching the Bible for encouragement, some kind of affirmation that there was nothing wrong with me. And I found it. I realised that the homophobic people out there claiming to be Christian were only lying to themselves. Because the God I believe in is loving to everyone and 'loving your neighbour' applies to all, even LGBTQ+ people. (actually, especially them).

I know now that my sexuality is not my fate or the final say in what I become or accomplish in life. I've made a decision to follow my beliefs. It is MY choice to do what God wants for me and to accept that homosexual relationships are not something He wants for my life. I'm not being forced into it. And I don't hate my life because of it. I think God made me this way because he is challenging me to be patient enough for the better things he has in store for my future.

Sure, I'll probably never come out to my parents because I just don't think it's really necessary. Maybe I'll date a girl, maybe I won't. Nothing is set in stone. I still breakdown late at night and wonder why it had to be me, why can't I like girls and love my God at the same time? I still hate myself at times (more often than not) and I still wish I was straight. My go-to phrase used to be, "at least i'm not gay and i still have a choice to date guys", but it doesn't really make it any easier. Despite the pain and ugly stuff that has come with it, I've finally started to accept my sexuality as something that doesn't have to determine how I live my life. I can still like girls, I can still like non-binary people or anyone I am romantically attracted to. It's the step of saying, "I like you but I choose not to date you" (in my head, not to their face lol), that has been strangely freeing.

And it no longer scares me.

(as much as it used to)