Real stories from the World - LGBTQ+

Abi from Zambia

I love my beautiful country with it's 73 tribes, great food, warm people full of cultures. There is a lot of things to do and see in Zambia because it's one of the most peaceful country. Because it's a 100 percent Christian nation, it's peaceful to all except to people like me and I believe others. 

 I am a zambian human I say so because I don't have an identity to identify with if it's there I have no idea, I love women and everything they represent, I would like to touch, kiss and be in a relationship with a woman but at the same time I want that with a man except the idea of penetration in my vagina makes me cringe. So if I can get some answers I would appreciate it. 

I grew up in a very open minded family, anything was acceptable and it made our family very close. Religion was never forced in our family, I knew I was different all throughout school because I always fantasized of fucking a man in a gay way or vice versa but at the same time wanting to pin a beautiful female and do with her what the devil would get embarrassed with ( yay porn) I didn't understand but I thought it was a phase or being a virgin I didn't know better 

In 2003 when I graduated from high school I decided to go for a night out with friends because I had lost my brother so my friends thought of taking me out. After a few drinks my mouth became loose coupled with the stress I had I started asking my friends of my problems, but I was saying that I came across of a book with the said situation. The insults, inhuman words that where uttered that night made my heart bleed. 

To this day I can't remember how I arrived home because I made sure to drink myself to a coma. I remember crying but they thought I was crying for the memories of my late brother, but I was crying for my soul and the indirect insults thrown at me. 

A week later I told my mom and sister of my situation, but I omitted some details. I just told them I was a lesbian, my friends I have never loved my mom and sister more, though my mom begged me to never tell anyone anything because it's a very grave crime here if caught or rumored to be homosexual. It carries a not less than 15 years imprisonment. I agreed and life went on, dying with desires.

I left for college, by then my mom had been staying in Denmark since 1998, she just comes once a year so I used to stay with my uncle and his family together with my sister. One day my uncle after pestering me about marriage I got upset so my sister and I had a heated argument with our uncle and his wife. So to cool down I left the house. After a few hours my dear sister texted me saying to get home asap. When I reached home I noticed that our bags where packed and some distant relatives had come and they were waiting for me. I was given an ultimatum to either go to the village with my relatives and visit some traditional healers or stay go to a church retreat ( Pentecostal) or be handed in to the police and have my sister chased from the house. Apparently my sister called my mom and informed her of what transpired between me and my uncle so my mom in her anger blanted that I am a lesbian. 

 So I chose to go with my relatives, my friends I endured black magic at its finest which is common in Africa and I was informed that I have ancestral spirits and some huge sums of money was requested for exorcism. My mom refused to send any so my aunt suggested I come back to Lusaka to see her pastor. So I came back, my friends. I endured 2 years being ridiculed, talked about, shunned and things you can never imagine that I started believing it. I had no communication with my mom or sister. I was told I had a spiritual husband that doesn't allow me to have normal feelings, saying it came to me when I was at school ( boarding school). The pastor advised that I get married to a brother in church saying I need a prayerful man near me so to not fall in temptation. 

Because of some challenges my mom had in Denmark, she couldn't be here for me and she has always blamed herself to this day. To stop all the hate, insults and prison threats I pretended that I have been delivered, so I agreed to be married and I have been married from 2007. I have 2 beautiful kids, but I cringe, despise every time I am touched or penetrated. I have tried to commit suicide 3 times this year alone but I hold on for my kids because despite everything I love them. 

But I die daily because society, Africa and norms are killing me slowly. My husband is a great man I have no problem with him but I don't want him in any way except as maybe a friend, but because of this I resent him passionately though am trying to tell him the truth about myself one day because am tired of faking everything, I have used every excuse to get out of having sex daily because to me sex is the greatest heartbreaking experience I face. 

We are saving money my mom and my sister so that I can relocate with my kids by early next year because things are getting harder everyday for me and am afraid I don't have courage to do this much longer, I maybe a coward yes but I hope others get to experience even once there desires as for me until things look up for me I will live through the stories I read here on Wattpad and hope to even have my first kiss as the real me in future. I end here will tell more when am less emotional.

Abijacobs02