Sincerely, Me {A Dear Evan Hansen FF}

{9}

I slam the door to my room and scream, hitting my fists against the wall. Not caring if my fists we're already bleeding.

Why would I do that?

Why?

I clench my teeth, fighting back the tears, but lose. They streamed down my face. It felt so weird. So weird that tears, tears, were streaming down my face. Blood dripping down my fingers.

Evan.

I ruined us.

This friendship.

I ruined it.

The tears fall harder and I scream hurdling myself against the wall, resulting in a sore shoulder. I hiss at the pain and crawl onto my bed, hitting my pillow over and over. Getting blood all over my bed.

You really fucked this up.

I groan. Not the voices. No. Not now. I clench my hands, forming fists.

Ha, your useless.

I growl and scream into my pillow, hitting the sides of my bed vigorously. I fucked up. I really fucked up. I slowly moved away from my pillow, sitting on my knees on the bed.

You should just kill yourself.

Die already.

They're right. I should just.. die. No one likes me. Everyone is just annoyed by my presence. I have razors I could use to slit my wrists. Or take pills. Or stab myself with a kitchen knife.

I groan, rubbing my hands over my face, trying to get myself to stop crying. Pulling a rubber band off my hand I tie my hair up in a messy bun. Well I guess I'm just covered in blood now. Well great.

Kill yourself you annoying fag.

"Shut up." I growl, standing up.

Walking to my cabinet things, what the fuck do I call them? Box shaped things that hold my shit? Sure let's go with that. I shove some things over and find my razors. Huffing I walk to my bed and sit down, staring at the razors.

Kill yourself.

I should send something to Evan. One last email.

Setting the razors down, I grab my laptop and open our email up. Reading the last email that was sent I smiled, then I started to type.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Okay, I want to get some things off my chest before I um.. go on a trip.

1.) I'm so sorry for kissing you
2.) I'm extremely in love with you
3.) I'm super gay
4.) Again, I'm seriously so sorry for kissing you
5.) Did you even like it?

Evan, it's been great being your friend, but you don't just kiss your only friend cause you think your in love with them. I realized that you obviously don't like me and I understand. Who would like a druggie like me? No one. I'm sorry you had to be my friend for the 2 days we really got to know each other. I'm really sorry. Uh.. I love you? And uh, it's been great knowing you. Goodbye.

Sincerely,
Your (I hope) best friend, Me

I try to fight back a tear but lose, yet again, I hit send. Swallowing down a sob I close the laptop and grab the razor, holding it over my wrist. Tears still falling, blood still dripping from my knuckles, life still being an asshole.

Closing my eyes, I take in a breath.

"Goodbye Evan."

I bring the sharp metal to my wrist and slip it across my skin.

~~~

Groaning I walk into my room, very confused. Do I like Connor? I don't even know anymore. I think I do. But I like girls. Only girls.

Setting my bag down I sigh, kicking off my shoes. Then I hear that unfamiliar sound. That ding-like sound. Even more confused, I grab my laptop and open my emails, seeing one from Connor I quickly open it up. Tears came before I even realized it. He loves me?

What does he mean by: Goodbye..? Is he.. no. Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no. This can't be happening. I need to stop him.

I rip my socks off and jump out of my bed, grabbing my phone. I run down the stairs and out the door, closing it. Sprinting down the street, barefoot and short sleeved. I wiped my eyes, tears starting to fall. He can't do this to himself. I won't let him. I can't.

I continued running, running as fast as my legs would take me. I have to get there. I have to save him. I can't let him kill himself.

There's his house. Only a few paces away. I can make it. I can- oh great. Crashing to the ground, I groan at the pain in my knee and elbow. Trying to ignore it I stumble back up and jog, biting back my pain, towards his house.

Reaching to door I knock, hoping, praying, someone would answer the door. Please. Blood pouring out of my knee. Footsteps. Blood running down my leg. More footsteps. Getting dizzy. The door opened.

"Evan? What are you doing here? Did Connor invite you over?" I saw Mrs. Murphy standing there.

"Uh yeah, he did. Can I go up there?" I ask, holding my elbow, hoping she didn't see my leg.

"Of course, if you want, dinner will be ready in 30 minutes. Tell Connor for me." She smiled and walked away from the door.

I walked in and closed the door behind me. I quickly walked to the stairs and went up those to Connor's room. I knock on the door, "Connor? It's Evan."

I didn't hear anything, biting my lip I slowly opened the door. Scared to what I'd fine. I looked around his room. Blood was on his wall, and a little on the ground.. and Connor.. no.

I sobbed, crumpling down to him. His wrists were both bleeding vigorously.

"Connor! No.. Please, no." I sob, hands grabbing his wrists and trying to stop the blood.

I managed to stop most of it but his bed was soaked. I looked at his face and noticed how pale he looked. His hair was pulled into a bun. He looked so.. dead? Ok no. He looked .. peaceful. Ok fine, and kinda maybe adorable.

"Connor, please don't be dead. Please Connor." I whisper, holding onto his bleeding wrists.

Please answer. Please. I felt movement.

"E-evan..?"

~~~

~Fro