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"Baby, please let me explain." Luke's voice spoke through the speaker. "I messed up. I got really drunk and I know it's not an excuse. I was going to tell you. I didn't know they were going to send you something like that. Charlie set me up to make you hate me. I'm so sorry. I miss you. Just call me, please? I need to hear your voice. I'll give you some space. I didn't want to hurt you anymore, baby. You have so much going on and I didn't want this to happen. I was so stupid. Call me when you're ready, ok?"
I wiped my tears and laid my head on Amelia's lap. She ran her fingers through my hair and I held the sleeve of my hoodie close to my face to catch the tears that fell. "I don't know what to do. He hurt me really bad, Mel. I feel like my heart is going to explode." I whimpered.
"I don't want to tell you the wrong thing, babe. But, there are some important things that you haven't resolved yet. Your parents, JT and Kendall. Talia and Harper. I mean, there are some bridges on fire that you need to either put out or let burn. You need to decide. Luke will always be there. He's crazy about you but you wanted to learn about yourself, you need to do it."
"You're right but I can't stop crying. Do you know how bad it hurts to see those girls touching him? Kissing him? I don't understand why he needed them if he said he only wanted me?" I sobbed, staining the sleeve of my sweatshirt.
"Because, he's a boy and they are stupid." She sighed when I sat up and pouted. "You wanna go get burgers and eat our feelings?" She asked and I nodded.
It was midnight when there was a knock on my door. I hadn't slept and I didn't think I was going to go to sleep. I opened the door and I wasn't as surprised as I wanted to be when I saw Luke there. His hair was a mess and he looked tired. "What are you doing here?"
"I miss you." He frowned, placing his hand in hair. "Baby, I swear, it will never happen again." His under eyes were wet and I his eyes were bloodshot. I had never seen him like this. "I need to know we have some kind of future passed this. Can you forgive me? What do I need to do?"
"Luke," I shook my head. "I told you I needed space and you said you understood. You told me how important I was and that you wanted me. I wanted you to work with me and instead you fucked some other girls? Not even just one but 3 and I saw it. I saw the way they touched you. The things they were saying to you. I saw it all. Do you understand how fucked up that makes someone? Why do you think I could never bring myself to show JT the video of us? I don't know what to do. I'm trying to distance myself my you so I can resolve some things but you're making it hard."
"I never wanted to hurt you." He leaned against the doorframe and looked down at his shoes.
"But you did." My voice broke and tears fell. "I've never hurt this fucking much, Luke. This is a different kind of pain then when I lost my parents or when JT cheated on me." I shook my head and ran my sleeve over my cheek. "You broke my heart."
"Brit, please." He spoke helplessly, turning his head to lean his face against his hand. "I love you." He choked out, his tear stained face looking at me desperately. I shook my head because I couldn't do this. I couldn't let him say something like this and forgive him. No matter how much I wanted to hear it. "I love you, Brit. I want to spend my life with you, please."
"If you loved me, you wouldn't have done it. I need you to go." I closed my eyes, shaking my head as began to close the door. My hands were shaking and I fell down the door the second it was closed. I was alone and my heart was shattered. I needed my Mom. I needed her to hold me and tell me I'd be ok. I was completely broken and I had no one to help me.
I spent the night on the floor, eventually falling asleep. I woke up with swollen eyes and a headache. I took a warm shower and blew my hair dry before getting dressed. I didn't know what I was going to do but I wasn't going to stay home.
I made a list. A list to help me discover myself. A list to help me move on with my life. It was something that I should have done a long time ago. Maybe it would help me find what I was supposed to do and maybe it will just give me peace. But, I needed to do it.
