step into the sun ☼ deh

xi

chapter eleven
writing
zoe pov

trigger warnings: runway teenagers, mention of suicide, mention of social anxiety

I got an email at about 3:23pm saying that my poetry book was going to be published. I didn't cry. I didn't laugh. I just screamed of excitement. I probably freaked out a few people in my apartment building, but in my defense, the scream wasn't super loud. I couldn't believe that my book, filled with poems about Connor, Evan, and Mia, was about to be published. The book discussed the hardships of dealing with a family member that has a mental illness, having a confusing relationship with someone, and wanting to know someone, but never really being able to... It talked a little bit about love, loss, and motherhood, but what I explained was mainly it. I couldn't believe it was getting published. There were some parts that I had to edit, according to my publisher, but once they were edited, I would re-send the book, and we would schedule a meeting with the publisher, mostly just to talk about the book and publication and stuff like that.

Speaking of publication, I had my column to write;

People have written to me saying that they like my personal stories/opinions, rather than actual news stories. I'd love to be giving some more personal stories, but the main thing that's going on in my life, I'm not allowed to really discuss yet. Nonetheless, I've been thinking about the recent tragedy of Nora Rostova. If you don't know, Nora, 14, was declared missing last week. Her family later noticed that her phone, some clothes, and toiletries were missing. Not to mention a bag and some other random items that she found important to her. It was speculated that Nora ran away from home.

With the research I, and many other writers/reporters have done, Nora had a pretty good and average life. She had friends, and she was in theatre. Nora liked to paint her nails and see movies with her friends. Nora kind of reminded me of my late brother for some reason. Nora and Connor, however, were very different. Connor didn't really show the sunny facade that Nora did. Everyone knew something was up with Connor, while people had no idea what was going on in Nora's head. I don't want to get too much into my brother's psyche or get to personal with my childhood/teenage-hood, but I feel like Connor and Nora both had something going on with themselves where they felt like they didn't belong where they were or maybe what Connor felt was totally different than what Nora felt. I honestly, would just like to say, that Nora and Connor are both more than news stories and tragedies. They were/are people.

I have no idea what Nora's intentions were. I don't know why she ran away. Simple as that. From the research that I found, Nora was good at hiding the fact that she wanted to run away. Her family didn't know that she wanted to run away. Nora wanted to get away from something. She felt the need to be somewhere. I want what's best for her family. I have no idea if anyone will find Nora. I don't know if Nora will stay where she wants to be, I don't know if her family will recover from her loss, or if they get her back home or not. I just want Nora and her family to be safe and happy.

What I suggest for everyone reading this, is just that you all pray for her family, and that Nora either gets home or finds peace with herself. I know that my brother is deceased, but I hope that when he passed, he went in peace, and I know that he is happy and rid of any sadness or anger or any of the mental illnesses that he struggled with. I know that it took a while, and we went through some struggles, but my family learned how to grieve. I'm not saying that I was Nora to stop living. I want Nora to be happy and safe. Nora may decide to go home, she may decided to keep going. She may thrive, she may make mistakes. I don't think that Nora is the safest while trying to run away, but she and her family will find happiness and/or peace somehow...

Please keep Nora and her family in her prayers...

I titled the column "Thoughts on Nora Rostova". I sent it to my editor/publisher, so it would be put into the newspaper. I had a lot of freedom with my column, since I had been with this newspaper for a few years. I went back and forth between the paper I was working for now, and another newsletter/magazine type thing, and then I went back to the newspaper, though I want to go to poetry. I kind of always changed my mind or wondered what I wanted to do with my life. I started in astronomy, then went to journalism, now I want to go to poetry. Of course, I'm still really passionate about playing guitar, but I didn't want to base my whole life off of it, since I loved writing as well. I still played every once in a while, and my friends would sometimes hook me up with gigs, if they needed someone. The thing I loved most was poetry. I could get my feelings out in beautiful ways, and I could just, get all these things I had in my head and all these feelings that I had about everything in my life, onto paper. I recommended that Evan started writing poetry, like just for fun or whatever, but he decided not to, for some reason. I knew he was a good writer, since he had to write a lot when we were younger (obviously), so I figured it would be good for him. I found it a bit ironic that he's a counselor, while he has social anxiety. I mean, his job is literally talking to people, you would think that he would hate it. However, I guess it's actually helped him cope with his anxiety, since he's literally helping people with what he had. He's actually so much better, and I'm literally so happy with all that he's accomplished. He still had traces of anxiety at this time, but it was usually in a not-so-good situation. I know I'm terrible at explaining these things. I sound horribly confusing, but I guess that's what mental illnesses are. They aren't black and white. They're complex and confusing, and I don't even understand half of it.

I guess I know what I'm writing my next column on...