Hurt // Marvel [2]

1

I drag myself out of bed, chuck on some workout clothes, and grab my headphones and phone off my dresser.

I don't try to sneak out, there's no point. Friday would just notify everyone else, she's probably already notifying them that I got up.

I leave right through the front door, turning music on as soon as I take my first step outside. I wouldn't be surprised if someone came out to check on me, but I'm choosing to ignore it. And maybe I'm just being selfish.

Selfish.

Is it selfish of me to be closing myself off from everyone else?

No. I'm doing it to protect them. I don't know what I can do anymore. No one knows what I can do anymore.

He knew.

I can't think about him. I can't think about how much I miss him. How much my heart aches for him. How much it pains me every time I get a memory of him back.

I focus on the rhythm of my steps.

Right, left.

He could've helped me if he was still here.

Right, left.

I had the chance to save him.

Right, left.

I should've been the one to die. It should've been me. I don't deserve to be here. I don't deserve to be a part of this team.

He didn't deserve to die. He's the one who should be here, not me.

I focus on my breathing.

In.

I miss you.

Out.

I love you.

"I love you."

I stop my running and yank the headphones out of my ears. I allow myself to fall to the ground as the tears start to flow down my cheeks.

I deserve to die.

I shouldn't be here. I don't want to be here. I want to be with Pietro. I want to be somewhere where I can no longer hurt anyone. I don't want to be a burden anymore.

Someone cracks a branch and I don't even turn my head.

"Just kill me." I don't care who it is. I don't want to be here anymore.

"Please, just do it." Their footsteps get closer but I leave my head resting on my knees.

"Riley." I recognize Steve's voice and let out a sob.

"I don't want to be here anymore. I shouldn't be here. I don't deserve to be here." He still gets closer and I jump away as he tries to rest his hand on my back.

"I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore."

"You're not hurting anyone."

"I hurt you, Steve. You touched me, and I hurt you. And I can see what I'm doing to you mentally. I know you're tired of dealing with me." He stays kneeling where he is as I fall back down to my knees. "I don't want to live anymore."

I don't notice him move closer this time until his arms are wrapped around my shoulders. I attempt to wiggle away but he won't let me.

"You're not hurting me and you aren't some burden I hate dealing with. We all love you, Riley. You're a part of this team and we need you here with us. You need to grieve, and that's okay, but you can't fear yourself. I know that we can get control over your power. You'll be able to use it only when you want to, or not at all if you so please. But just remember that we love you, and we need you." I let out another sob as Steve lifts me off the ground, but I don't struggle this time.

I don't know how long it takes for him to carry me back to the base, and I don't pay attention as he lays me down in my bed. I hear his footsteps take a lap around the room, but I can't focus my eyes on anything. Whenever I close them, I only see his face. I'm not ready to see it yet. But sometimes my mind doesn't give me the choice.

No one ever really tells you about life after death.

You hear of the stages of grieving, but no one tells you just how intense they may be. No one prepares you for what your life will be like when a loved one has left it.

You'd think that since this is my second time, I might be better at it. At accepting death. But I think it's only made it harder.

Life after death.

You hear all the time about what people believe happens to people when they die. Maybe they go to heaven or hell. Maybe they're reincarnated. Maybe they're simply just gone. You hear people's beliefs all the time, but you never hear about what might happen to you.

Will you find love again? Will you be able to move on? Will life go back to the way it was before you even knew them?

I don't want it to go back to the way it was.

But I don't want to live in this miserable hole I've buried myself in.

"Riley." I notice Steve's voice on his third try and turn to look at him. "Do you want me to bring you anything to eat?" I notice two of my knives in his hand by his side. He thinks I'm going to hurt myself. Do I want to hurt myself?

No. He wouldn't want that.

"I'm not hungry." I shake my head.

"You're never hungry."

"I'm not hungry, Steve." I look away from him and he sighs before leaving the room, leaving me alone once again.

When I'm alone I can't hurt anyone but myself, and that's for the best.